So this our wedding song
To help celebrate the happy day

42% of all marriages
End in divorce

And of those 42%
88% expected
They might get divorced

And if you split up
And get married again
There's a 1 in 4 chance
You will have an affair

And if you get married a third time
There's a 90% chance
It will end in divorce

Everyone enjoying the canapes?

I think we can all agree
That the pair of you
The bridesmaids, the groomsmaids
The venue, the menu, and the flowers
All look here today
The average wedding
Costs 30,000 pounds
People are starving
And not just cause
The canapes were late

And it warms our hearts
That you've both captured
Each other's hearts

1 in 3 men will die of heart failure
1 in 3 women will die of heart failure
That's a 1 in 9 chance you'll both die of heart failure

We hope those statistics don't
Make you too sad cause if you are
1 of the 1 in 5 people with clinical depression
You're 35% more susceptible to illness

Which could make you one of the unlucky
3 in 10 housebound where you will watch
90% TV than a person with a job

And those high levels of televisual consumption
Mean you're 26% less likely to be
Satisfied in your love life
So to avoid landing yourself
In the 42% of divorces you might
Try becoming one of the 1 in 5 people
Who go walking for mental wellness

Whilst consequently increasing your chances
Of being one in 45,000 people
Who fall down a hill each year

And that's marriage

8% of the students at the
Dunkin Donuts Training Center
Fail the six week course
But that's for another song

Enjoy your lives together
May they be long and full of love
Let's all raise a glass to the happy two
Before they fly off on their honeymoon

And before you go
You might like to know
That the chances of all of
This happening to you
Is 189,189 in 31,250,000,000
It seems unlikely
But it's not impossible
Congratulations

42% of all marriages end in divorce
But we think that yours will be fine