I went out last night
And I ordered a glass of Vino
And I was like "Well done, mature woman
You ordered a glass of Vino."

I was with my very good friend Dino
Dino is the only name that
Rhymes with Vino

We had a drink
Then we had another drink
And then we had a break before
We had another lots of drinks

We thought we'd change it up
And do some karaoke singing
But when I stood up from my chair
I knew I was absolutely smashed

I drank too much
Then I fell down the stairs
And I broke both my shoes
Then I pulled the hand rail off the wall

Then the bouncer came to me
And he said 'You have to leave'
And I was like I'm fine
But thanks for your concern
Then I went back up the stairs
Well I fell back down the stairs
And then guess what?
I fell back down the stairs

Then Dino said 'You should go home'
And I was like 'No, you are'
So I put more lipstick on
And went back to the bar

Where I bought more drinks
For all of my friends
My friends at the bar
I'm giving out drinks like I'm Oprah

Then the bouncer came to me
And he said I'm watching you
And I was like I'm watching you too

I was feeling at my best
I was dancing like Mic Jagger
Had a wee stain on my dress
And two glasses of Goldschläger

Then the DJ played my song
So I climbed up on the bar
And I sang my favorite song, it went:
Yeah, come on, Baby
Won't you please be
I drank too much
Then I fell off the bar
I Didn't Know I was Pregnant
Is my favorite TV show, yeah

Then the bouncer came to me
And he said I'm kicking you out
And I was like no
And he was like yes
And I was like you've got the wrong man!

I drank too much
Now I'm outside the bar
But it was my choice
Nobody tells me what to do

Then I thought you know what?
Now's a good time
To send lots of text
Shit, where's my phone?

Oh, it's in my hand
So I text my boss
And I said
You're a rubbish boss, yeah
But it was predictatext
Yeah we bugs balloon
But she knows what I mean
Then my tummy did a rumble
I got hunger tunnel vision
Got my eyes on salty-fries
And some greasy deep fried chicken

I had twenty p to my name
Cause I spent all my cash on booze
When I went into the chicken shop
They said that twenty p won't do

So I flashed my boobs
They gave me meal number three
Chicken burger, four wings
And a leg, large fry and a can of Coke
Yes! My body, my choice

But as I opened the door
I dropped all my chicken on the floor
I'm not proud, but I still ate it

I drank too much
Then I got in an Uber
And the driver yelled at me
Don't be sick in me car
I said I won't be sick in your
[vomit sounds]

I drank too much
Then I found my way home
But I lost my keys
So I had to break into my conservatory

This a public warning
For those with conservatories
They're easy to break into when you're drunk
Nobody's safe

I drank too much
Fell asleep on the floor
Then when I woke up
A woman yelled at me
Get out of my conservatory!

It's not my house
This isn't my house
Where is my house?
Has anybody seen my house?
And where is Dino?
Where the hell is Dino?
Oh, who am I kidding?
Dino isn't real

Dino isn't real
Dino isn't real
I made him up so I don't
Have to drink on my own

So that morning I had to go work
Cause that's what mature women do
Side note, I found my housekeys
Inside my broken shoe

My boss wanted a word
To discuss my drunken text
And when I went into her office
I blew chunks across my desk
Surprise... I was fired
Adulting is harder than you think

So to commiserate
I'm going for another drink
With Dino

Where I'll drink too much