STAN
Nobody on the road

RICHIE
Nobody on the beach

EDDIE
I feel it in the air

BILL
The summer's out of reach

RICHIE
I’m Richie Tozier. I use humor to mask my various and deep insecurities. Like of how much I fuck your mom

EDDIE
I'm Eddie Kasbrack. I'm the runt of the group and I’m always scared I'm gonna die. Luckily, I have this inhaler, which makes everything better. Oh, so much better

STAN
Hi, I'm Stan Uris, and I'm the Jewish kid who's about to get Bar Mitzvah'd!

RICHIE, EDDIE, BILL
Mazel Tov!

STAN
Thanks, guys
BILL
And you already m-m-m-met me. I'm B-b-b-b-Bill

RICHIE, EDDIE, BILL, STAN
And the four of us are Best Friends!
I can see you
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair combed
Back and those sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you
My love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

RICHIE
So, what’s the deal with this Bar Mitzvah thing?

EDDIE
Well, it’s a church full of Jews, Stan has to take this super Jew-y test, and at the end, they slice the tip of his dick off

RICHIE
Oh, man. Then Stan will have nothing left

BILL
Is that true? Do they really slice the tip of your d-d-d-d-d-dick off?

STAN
No, at my Bar Mitzvah, I read from the Torah, I make a speech, and then, suddenly, I become a man
RICHIE
Yeah, and then the Rabbi pulls your pants down, turns to the crowd, and is like, “Where's the beef?”

BILL, STAN, RICHIE, EDDIE
I can tell you
My love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

MIKE
Hey, I’m Mike, and the only reason I'm not with the other boys right now is because I'm homeschooled, so you'll have to imagine me offstage somewhere with a bunch of sheep. But don’t worry, there's nothing weird going on. Or is there? Come on, Dolly!

STAN
What do you want to do now?

RICHIE
I need to start my Street Fighter training

EDDIE
Oh, come on. Is that how you want to spend your summer?

RICHIE
Hell, yes! I love arcades. They're so cruise-y

EDDIE, BILL, STAN
Huh?
RICHIE
I mean, I love arcades, cause they're filled with boys

EDDIE, BILL, STAN
What?

RICHIE
No, sorry, what I mean was arcade tokens. I love arcade tokens

EDDIE, BILL, STAN
Oh

RICHIE
Especially their taut, nubile bodies… I mean, uh, it beats spending the summer inside your mom, saved it

BILL
Remember you guys all said you would go to the sewers with me?

RICHIE, EDDIE, STAN
Oh, yeah

EDDIE
Yeah, I don't know, I mean, isn't that the last place Betty Ripson was seen before she…

STAN
Do you think they're gonna find her?

RICHIE
Yeah, in a ditch somewhere decomposed, covered in worms maggots, smelling like Eddie's mom's underwear

BILL
She's not dead. She's just m-m-missing
Out on the road today
I saw a red balloon sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice Inside my head said
"Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
G-G-Georgie's gone forever
I should just let him g-g-g-g-go

EDDIE
I'm sorry, Bill. You're right. I'm sure Betty Ripson is just missing

STAN
The sewers aren't that bad. I mean, who doesn't mind splashing around in shitty water?

RICHIE
Still wouldn't mind swinging around the arcade later

BILL
Thanks, guys. You guys are the b-b-b-b-, You guys are the b-b-b-b-

BILL, STAN, RICHIE, EDDIE
I can see you
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got your hair pulled back
And your sunglasses on
And I can tell you
My love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone