[PERCY]
Lud love me such conjecturing
Could drive a man insane!
And I'm the one to set
This gossip quite to rest
The Pimpernel is me!

[MARGUERITE]
Indeed, and I'm the queen of Spain!

[ARMAND]
The Pimpernel is nothing
But a nosy pest!

[A WOMAN]
No, the vicar says the Pimpernel's
A bishop in disguise

[MARIE]
Who gives absolution
Night and day!

[A MANSERVANT]
Stuff and nonsense! Don't you know
He's a maharajah from Bombay?
[A WOMAN]
They say he has enormous feet!

[A MANSERVANT]
And that he tends to overeat!

[A WOMAN]
I've heard he's fussy with his food

[LADY LLEWELLYN]
And eats his breakfast in the n***!

[WOMEN]
Is he robust
Or very pale?
At least we know he's male!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?

[A MAID]
Me sister says his breath
Is sweeter than an Irish rose!

[MAIDS]
I'm sure I'd fall in love
If he would cross my path!
[A MANSERVANT]
La, yes if you could overlook
The warts upon his nose

[A MANSERVANT]
And possibly persuade him
He should take a bath!

[A WOMAN]
Rumor has it he's Castilian!

[A WOMAN]
He's a reckless buccaneer!

[LADY LLEWELLYN]
And I hear he carries sev'ral whips

[PERCY, spoken]
Several.... whips?!

[ARMAND]
He's a sultan from Kabul

[MARIE]
With women at his fingertips!
[A WOMAN]
They say he's nearly eight feet tall!

[A WOMAN]
And yet quite graceful -

[A MANSERVANT]
Folderol!

[A MANSERVANT]
I'm told he waddles when he walks

[MENSERVANTS]
And often twitches when he talks!

[A MANSERVANT]
Is he a dolt?

[PERCY]
He's very deep!

[ALL]
Oh, England's losing sleep!

[PERCY]
Who is this blasted Pimpernel?

[A MANSERVANT]
The butcher in the village
Claims he saw the man last week

[PERCY, spoken]
Where?

[A MANSERVANT]
Galloping his camel 'cross the moor!

[A WOMAN]
He's been seen

[A MANSERVANT]
Wearing full Blakeney green!

[PERCY]
I've told you all before!
The fella's me!

[A MANSERVANT]
It's George the Third!

[A MANSERVANT]
Perhaps a convict run amok?

[A MANSERVANT]
This Pimpernel could be most any sod!

[PERCY, spoken]
How dare you?

[A WOMAN]
Bite your tongue
He is dashing and young!

[WOMEN]
The Pimpernel's a god
And he'll find me
And he'll wake me
And he'll take me

[LADY LLEWELLYN]
Down on a haystack

[WOMEN]
He'll face me

[MEN]
Then at last you could tell
If he's a hero or a monk
A fiddling Nero or a drunk!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?

[PERCY, spoken]
It's me, it's me!

[A MAN]
I'm sure he's flatulent and crass!

[MEN]
Hear, hear! The man's a horse's ass!

[WOMEN]
No, no! He's neighborly and kind

[LADY LLEWELLYN]
But quite erotically inclined

[ALL]
Whatever guise he may employ
He's England's pride and joy!
This plucky non-pareil!

[PERCY]
This lucky bloody swell!

[ALL]
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?