[Verse 1]
He was playing pool and drinking beer
Nothing more'n the occasional tear
But this man's life goes on
He gets greased all over from time to time
At the strip joint, where we met
He said, "Hi, my name is Ted"
See that one over there
That ball of thunder
Every time she goes Vavoom

[Chorus]
I wiggle in my chair
Can I buy you a beer?
What a guy

[Verse 2]
"Well, I've had a few, myself," he said
"But I never quit when I'm ahead
Too many rules and regulations
Stupid laws designed by fools behind closed doors
And another thing I won't discuss is religion
It always causes a fight"
Vavoom

[Chorus]
There she goes again
"How does she do that?" said Ted
[Bridge]
And he told me of those injustices that
He had suffered in his life
His wife and kids and boss and dogs
And neighbours raising cain and causing strife
They were forever whining
Bleating, howling, yapping
Screeching, moaning, crying
Vavoom

[Chorus]
He fed them well
He keep them warm
Ted, Ted the mechanic!

[Verse 3]
Thing about Ted, didn't really care
Nothing much got in his hair
And the beauty of it was that he was right
He was big as a truck, fast as a door
What's that?
He was always right
The banjo player took a hike
And what's that song I used to like?
Vavoom
[Chorus]
Big as a truck, uh
He was fast as a door - Ted
What a guy

[Outro]
Ted the man, our Ted
Ted the man, our Ted
Ted the man, our Ted