[El-P speaking]
Oh yeah, cause people are really gonna give a fuck about this battle in a month…
You know what's great about being a "nerd" and owning your own record label?
You get to check Soundscans
In America, FanDam did 50,000 in a year and a half
Bazooka Tooth did over 20 in three weeks
The Weathermen CD did 8 in three months
Dangerous Connection did less than 7,700 since its release over a year ago
Now bear with me…

[sped up]
7,700 is $77,000 in billing
25% distro fee off the top is $19,250
25% reserve held off top for returns – of which I'm sure you had a grip – is another $19,250
Distro, marketing and promo would be about $15K off top
Label promo would be another $15K, assuming Brick spent at least a few bucks on that hunk of shit record
Recording and other production expenses would modestly be about $10K
Manufacturing about $15K
Shipping about $1500
That's about a $100K spent on a record that made $77,000 gross
Putting you and the label in the hole for about $23K
And let's not forget that if you finally do make a buck, your label will take at least 50%
In other words, your only shot at ever making any money off the music is becoming the anti-Def Jux guy
And frankly, I don't think that alone is gonna do it
But hell, if I can help, I will
[Esoteric sample]
"Nah, nah just a verse"

"We're Famous" was roach motel
And you crawled right the fuck in it
You forgot I'm a goddamn savage
With a record of always winnin'
You don't really think that you're tough
Or that anyone is duckin' you
We played a sold-out show in Boston last week
Where the fuck was you?
The very first jam on the set was "We're Famous"
I gotta say it was a live show
That song is a crowd favorite
I feel great in Boston, relaxed with good energy
You should go there sometime
Make the twenty minute trek from Beverly
You got the gumption to fuck with El-P
When you're writing songs for wrestlers on the WB?
Goddamn, was it that bad or were you just born a whore?
What's the point of selling out if it doesn't help you sell in stores?
Didn't you hear, dawg: wrestling is fake
Just grown men in Speedos simulating gay rape
Is this what you dreamed of your career when you sent me that tape?
Then in a year you would sell less than Aesop Rock on his first day?
"I study from the blueprint"
I think that shit's upside-down
Cause the ceiling of your career should be laying on the ground
"You're as hip hop as Eddie Vedder"
At least I've got a "Evenflowww"
Man, you could fit your whole fanbase on the bridge of your nose
Nobody cares about your records
No one's scared of your friends
Nobody wants to do business
Nobody wants to invest
Not impressed with your trust fund money
Not in awe of your daddy's Benz
Don't care if you wear Prada (Why?)
Cause Prada is for gay men
Just an excuse to sharpen my blade and remind you who I am
I'm the guy who sold eighty-thou worldwide and a child that sold ten
I'm a man with a happy fanbase
You're the bitch with no niche
The biggest contribution to the music was introducing me to Lif
(Bee-otch! The truth hurts motherfucker)
Face it, nobody feels you in the street
You will never appeal to the mainstream
You're a permanent opening act for the lower half of the indie scene
You are not making an impact, you have very few fans
You are a complete failure, you are not nice with the hands
Your legacy depresses me, mediocrity for years
Your records move off the shelf as quick as Norm off a barstool, Cheers!
Here's an El-P beat for free, I won't tax you
Save that money for the next time you need to hire a black man to rap for you
You're really bringin' it back, man, nobody still says "herb"
I wet your girl's pussy on my keyboard, how you think I made Vital Nerve?
[Sex sounds, three piano key intro of "Vital Nerve" plays]
Check this:
I've had a long, public career
There's a lot of cats that wish I fell
There's a lot you could say about me
Just nothing you could say well
I've been through this before
This type of shit don't make me nervous
I should have known you would be next with a record called "Soul Purpose"
"I-I-I'm down with East Coast"
How the fuck you thought that?
I always thought that you were talentless
Always considered you a fake cat
Always hated the rich kids in school
They never had no true grit
They always thought expensive clothes and a hand-me-down whip made 'em the shit
And you're the definition of something kids should get with?
Cause your man bear-hugged Cage that means that you could swing fists?
What is this, a mother fuckin' joke?!
You got Ted Kennedy's voice and flow like Jay-Z after a stroke
Saw the cover of your album
Good luck to your ska band
Standin' in a Burberry sweatsuit on the corner, looking for SoundScans
Don't you watch B.E.T.? Burberry's for women
How's the son of a millionaire gonna judge what another man's dipped in?
I could step to you in a leotard and still have a tradition
With a trucker hat that says "Eso mommy blew me
And wiped her tits off in the kitchen"
Oh no, you're not a nerd
You're in the clubs singin' the "Thong Song"
Only true thugs rap about Star Wars and Tauntauns
"I'll treat you like a Tauntaun and slash your flesh"
[Skit]
"Dude, what's a Taun… taun…?"
"Dude, space kangaroo, Empire Strikes Back…?"
"Nah…"
"Beginning… Luke, he was fucking cold, they had to get him warm, Han Solo did it?"
"I remember a bird…?"
"Dude, Tauntaun!"
"Dude, I haven't seen that movie since I was like 8…"
"I saw it with you when I was 8 and now I saw it again and you didn't wanna come, but space Yeti, that's what fucked him up, Luke was fucked up, remember how Han Solo was all bugged out, uh, they put him in that Tauntaun and he stayed warm…"
"Like an incubator?"
"Nah, saved his life, bro! It's a fuckin' space kangaroo!"
"Oh, that… Jabba the Hutt!"
"Ah, man, you're thinking of the third!"

"Nah, nah, just a verse"

You are not dangerous
You have no connections
You will never hurt anyone
You do not carry a weapon
"I liked 'Funcrush'"
Great: I never liked what you've done
If I was hypnotized I couldn't remember the name of one of your songs
But I'm a nerd, so I research, motherfucker: be alert
Remember that?
The Transformers sample stuck between the verses?
Well that was the only song you ever had that almost worked
Too bad to get to the chorus we had to hear you rhyme first
Back when you called yourself Seamus the God Awful
That was blindingly accurate: that moniker was immaculate!
And no matter how hard you were tryin'
The only way I could stomach your voice is when Virtuoso was rhymin'
You got one of those UPS four-day ground deliveries
No one wants to sign for that package
You are a faggot
Nothing you have done until mentioning my name has ever mattered
Seven hectic minutes of awkward fury: really, I'm flattered
That Gay-sop Rock thing? Genius
Let me try: Gay-mus
Shit, I shoulda put that on my verse in "We're Famous"
And about that verse? C'mon, don't be offended
I was gonna say your name, dawg, I just couldn't remember it
[Skit]
"WORD! Uh, sorry…"
"Whatever yo, he's just like… so obsessed with us, God, clearly just trying to start a buzz…"
"I mean, they did sell records, though…"
"Yeah, but they're trying to start a buzz!"
"Man…"
"Here's what we're gonna do! I've got a few ideas, fellas, it's gonna cost us a little bit of money and a lot of time, but I promise it's gonna be worth it! Okay, Steve, I need professional fucking Photoshop quality JPEGs with … head, we're gonna put that motherfucker's face on a bitch's body and we're gonna do a mass email, motherfuckers! We're gonna do interviews, I think they're gonna publish us off of this shit! Alright, listen fellas, I gotta call my, uh, secret benefactor, it's better if you're not in the room, uh, it's only to protect you. Hello, dad?"
"Hmm?"
"Dad, remember we had… remember we had talked… remember we had talked before about if I needed more money for my career… that you would help me…?"
"(grumble)"
"Dad…"
"(grumble)"
"Dad, this is important to me!"
"(loud grumble)"
"Dad, I got a shot here, no seriously, not like the last time… no, not like the last time…"
"(grumble)"
"Dad, hey…"
"(loud grumble)"
"Thank you. I'll bring the… I'll bring it back tomorrow! Alright fellas, we're in!"
"YAY!"
"Looks like we got a budget for this motherfucker! Okay, 7L, can you call your friend and ask him to bring down his girlfriend, we're gonna need the voice of a girl. In case I need to pretend to fuck someone up, I'm gonna need you around at all times! Here's what I need: I need a bucket of water, two Philly blunts and a fucking fur jacket! I'm about to get busy, boys! I'm gonna make a fucking career out of these bastards! I'm gonna need you to go down to, uh, fuckin', all the stores, all the indie hiphop… yeah, just that one, the one that carries Be Alert. I need you to buy every copy and I need you to call the distributor and tell them to stop fucking re-pressing it! I'm gonna erase our past!"

"MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE EVIL NERD LAIR:"

"Yo El, there's some weird skit on the internet with some fuckin'… with some fuckin' bullshit attached to the beginning or something, I don't know, it's a diss or something."
"Oh word? Uh, you know, put it with the others."

[El-P speaking]
HA HA HA! That was fucking rich
Didn't you watch the end of Revenge of the Nerds, you stupid fuck?
Anyway, you're gonna do a 7-minute jam?
Mine's gonna be 8 minutes
Here it goes, 8 minutes

*ding*