EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY
[WILL pulls into the school parking lot in his car. His license plate reads “glee.” He exits the car and walks toward the school. RACHEL approaches and walks alongside him.]
RACHEL: Mr. Schuester!
WILL: Yeah?
RACHEL: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.
WILL: Thanks, Rach, but I already got one picked out.
[FINN appears at RACHEL’s side, reaching out to wheel her schoolbag for her. WILL falls behind.]
FINN: Let me help you with that.
RACHEL: Thanks, Finn. You’re so chivalrous.
FINN: Thanks. That’s a good thing, right?
[WILL moves to walk alongside MERCEDES, ARTIE, and TINA.]
WILL: Morning, guys.
MERCEDES: Hey, Mr. Schue. We’re just learning some runs.
WILL: Oh, yeah?
MERCEDES: So it goes- (vocalizing)
WILL, TINA, and ARTIE: (vocalizing)
WILL: With the finger, huh?
MERCEDES: Pretty fly for a white guy.
WILL: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don’t be late for rehearsal this afternoon.
MERCEDES: Okay.
WILL: All right.
[WILL separates from the three and continues walking toward the school. PUCK, KURT, and five male students in letterman jackets are standing in front of the dumpster. PUCK has his arm around KURT.]
WILL: Morning, Kurt.
PUCK: Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue.
[KURT watches WILL pass with apprehension.]
WILL: (chuckling) Hey! Let’s go Titans.
PUCK: Yeah. Come on (To KURT).
KURT: Wait.
[KURT throws his bag into the arms of a jock.]
KURT: One day, you will all work for me.
[PUCK and another student lift KURT and toss him into the dumpster.]
CUT TO:
EXT/INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
[WILL walks down the hall and turns to address a student.]
WILL: Diana, thank you so much for that apple. It was very, very nice of you. All right? (chuckles)
[EMMA stands at the top of the stairs, looking at her watch before rounding the corner. She approaches WILL as he walks toward her with his head down, and they collide.]
WILL: Oh!
EMMA: (gasping) Oh, Will! Oh, gosh.
WILL: Hey, Emma.
EMMA: Hi.
WILL: Hey. I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club – It’s where I belong.
EMMA: Oh, it’s no problem. I mean, it’s what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I’m a guidance counselor.
WILL: Yeah, you are.
EMMA: Oh, look. We match. Periwinkle.
WILL: Yeah.
[SANTANA and QUINN appear at the top of the stairs and walk by. SANTANA rolls her eyes.]
SANTANA: (sardonically) Get a room.
QUINN: Ms. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn’t like to be kept waiting.
WILL: You got it.
[WILL chuckles nervously.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. SUE’S OFFICE – DAY
[School bell rings. WILL opens the door.]
WILL: Hey, Sue. You want to see me?
SUE: Hey, buddy. Come on in.
[SUE, dismounting the elliptical she had been using, wipes her face with a towel.]
SUE: (groans) I just blasted my hammies.
WILL: Oh.
SUE: (laughs) Iron tablet?
[SUE tosses a bottle of pills to WILL.]
WILL: Uh-
SUE: Keeps your strength up while you’re menstruating.
WILL: I don’t menstruate.
SUE: Yeah? Neither do I. So, I had a little chat with Principle Figgins and he said that if your group doesn’t place at regionals, he’s cutting the program. (sarcastically) Ouch.
WILL: You know, you don’t have to worry about Glee Club. We’re gonna be fine.
SUE: Really? ‘Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner.
[SUE walks over to her desk and retrieves a book, displaying the cover to WILL.]
SUE: Show Choir Rule Book. And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half. Here.
[SUE hands WILL the book.]
SUE: (explaining her earlier comment) Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you. Maybe you could find some recruits.
[SUE hands WILL a slip of paper and picks up a pair of hand weights. She lifts them into the air repeatedly while continuing the conversation.]
SUE: ‘Cause I’m not sure there’s anybody else who’s gonna wanna swim over to your island of misfit toys.
WILL: Are you threatening me, Sue?
SUE: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha.
[SUE sets the weights down.]
SUE: Let’s break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me.
[WILL stifles a chuckle.]
SUE: So here’s the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it. It’s time. And then I’ll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates. It’ll be very rewarding work for you.
WILL: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you’re used to be the cock of the walk around here.
SUE: Offensive.
WILL: But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition. We’re gonna show at regionals. You have my word on that.
[WILL tosses the pills back to Sue and opens the door.]
WILL: Have a good day.
[WILL exits. SUE smiles to herself.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
[Bell rings. QUINN and FINN are having a conversation as FINN retrieves books from his locker. RACHEL is at her own locker a few feet from them, facing away. She angles a small mirror in her hand to watch the exchange behind her.]
QUINN: We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years.
FINN: Yeah, I know.
QUINN: Prom king and queen. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself.
FINN: Look, you’re making too big a deal out of this.
[RACHEL closes her mirror and settles for listening intently.]
QUINN: Okay. Let’s compromise. If you quit the club, I’ll let you touch my breast.
FINN: Under the shirt?
QUINN: Over the bra.
[FINN pauses, momentarily conflicted.]
FINN: No. No, I can’t.
[QUINN scoffs.]
FINN: I want to do Glee. I’m really happy when I’m performing.
QUINN: People think you’re gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.
FINN: Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everything’s gonna work out.
[FINN closes his locker and exits.]
QUINN: (To RACHEL) Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him. You can sing with him. But you will never have him.
RACHEL: I understand why you’d be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But I’m an honorable person. I don’t need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee’s status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it.
[RACHEL turns to walk away and two slushies are promptly thrown in her face. PUCK and another JOCK, the culprits, high five each other as they walk away.]
PUCK: Awesome.
JOCK: Holla!
[Bell rings.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY
[The Glee Club is singing and dancing to “Le Freak” by Chic. WILL critiques them as they perform.]
WILL: Energy, guys! It’s disco. Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. All right. We’re freaking out. Let’s go. And up and out and down. Good. Good. Good. Good, guys.
[RACHEL kicks out her leg while dancing, coming uncomfortably close to MERCEDES’ face.]
MERCEDES: (To RACHEL) Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you! (To WILL) And, also, this song is terrible.
WILL: No, no, no. It’s not the song. You guys just need to get into it.
KURT: (annoyed) No, it’s the song. It’s really gay.
ARTIE: We need modern music, Mr. Schue.
WILL: I’m sorry, guys. We don’t have time to discuss this. We’re doing this song this Friday at the pep assembly.
TINA: (incredulously) In front of the whole school?
WILL: (mistaking her outburst for excitement) Exactly.
KURT: They’re gonna throw food at us. And I just had a facial.
RACHEL: I’ll press charges if that happens.
WILL: Guys. I can’t express to you how important this assembly is.
[FINN appears terrified. RACHEL looks at him with concern. The rest of the club are visibly upset.]
WILL: We need recruits. There are six of you. We need twelve to qualify for regionals. We have no choice or the club is over. I know you guys don’t like this song, but we took nationals back in ’93 with “Freak Out.” It’s a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.
FINN: I’m dead.
[RACHEL continues to look concerned as the rest of the club move away.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME - DAY
[WILL and TERRI are seated in the living room of a house they would like to buy. A REALTOR stands before them with a small-scale model of the house.]
WILL: (voice-over) My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I’m not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.
REALTOR: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.
TERRI: I have a question about the trees. It’s always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well, obviously we’re expecting a family. And I have a real sense it might be a girl.
[As TERRI chatters on, WILL becomes more uneasy.]
WILL: [voice-over] Still, I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. It all happened so fast.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. WILL’S APARTMENT, DINING ROOM - DAY
[WILL and TERRI are seated at the table with TERRI’s sister, KENDRA, and her husband. KENDRA’s three sons are running around the table, screaming continuously and causing damage.]
WILL: (voice-over) It all started when Terri’s sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.
KENDRA: (To TERRI) Well, I just don’t understand where you’re planning on putting the nursery.
TERRI: I know.
WILL: Well, we have a second bedroom.
KENDRA: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that’s gonna keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. (To WILL) Postpartum runs in our family.
[KENDRA’s husband rises from his seat.]
KENDRA: Where are you going?
HUSBAND: (hesitantly) Bathroom. All that bran.
KENDRA: No, you can’t. Kyle needs his inhaler.
[HUSBAND sits down, looking dejected. WILL lets out a scream over the noise and ends it with a laugh. He is overwhelmed by the screaming boys.]
KENDRA: Anyway, this conversation is over. They’re starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.
[TERRI gasps.]
KENDRA: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.
HUSBAND: (To KENDRA) Can I eat this?
[WILL lets his fork drop to his plate in frustration. The screaming persists.]
CUT TO:
INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME – DAY, CONT.
[The REALTOR leads TERRI and WILL through the house.]
REALTOR: This banister was made by Ecuadorean children.
[TERRI gasps in excitement.]
WILL: It’s great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can’t we buy one of those? They’re half the price.
TERRI: I’m not raising my baby in a used house. They’re not clean.
[They enter the kitchen and TERRI gasps.]
TERRI: Look at the sun nook. Isn’t it beautiful?
WILL: Is it extra?
REALTOR: Mm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model. Everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra 14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24.
[WILL sighs at the price.]
REALTOR: I’ll let you two talk.
TERRI: Thank you.
WILL: Thank you. Hmm. We can’t afford this.
TERRI: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee’s and we won’t run the A.C. for the first couple of summers.
WILL: Well, we certainly can’t afford the grand foyer and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, we’ll lose everything. You need to pick one.
TERRI: (chuckles) Come with me. I’m gonna show you something really special.
CUT TO:
INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM - DAY
[WILL and TERRI are standing in the doorway of a bedroom decorated for a little girl.
TERRI: This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me.
WILL: I love it, Terri, but we still can’t afford everything.
[TERRI sighs.]
TERRI: (To herself) It’s my very own Sophie’s choice. (To WILL) Fine. I’m gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles.
[WILL sighs and looks away.]
TERRI: Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.
WILL: (voice-over) I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money to make that dream come true. (To TERRI) Let’s go sign those papers.
[WILL places a kiss on TERRI’s forehead and exits.]
TERRI: (whispering) Yes!
__
CUT TO:
INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY
[KURT and MERCEDES are talking swiftly to themselves. RACHEL is sitting behind FINN in the stands, looking at him with longing.]
KURT: You need to call me before you dress yourself.
MERCEDES: Whatever. Whatever
KURT: You look like a Technicolor zebra.
MERCEDES: You’re a hater. That’s what you are.
KURT: I look like I’m a part of it.
MERCEDES: You’re trying to copy me.
KURT: It looks like I planned it.
MERCEDES: You know what, if your hair was longer, you’d have curls.
[WILL enters. TINA and ARTIE appear on screen.]
WILL: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?
[WILL begins to hand out sheet music. Several students gasp in excitement.]
MERCEDES: For the assembly?
WILL: No. We won’t be ready in time. We’re still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire and it’ll be awesome at regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we’re gonna succeed, we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.
ARTIE: Mr. Schue, we’d really like to not do disco at the assembly.
WILL: Finn, you’re gonna take the solo.
[RACHEL smiles at FINN. FINN looks at WILL fearfully.]
FINN: What? No, I- I can’t do the solo, Mr. Schue. I’m still learning how to walk and sing at the same time.
WILL: No problem. I’ll walk you through it.
GLEE CLUB: Ooh!
MERCEDES: Challenge.
WILL: Hey, Mercedes. You know this?
MERCEDES: Oh, I got this.
[MERCEDES sings the opening lines to “Gold Digger” by Kanye West. The rest of the glee club, dancing in place, joins in, and WILL takes the lead.]
CUT TO:
INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM - DAY
[The glee club continues to sing in the background. TERRI, KENDRA, and KENDRA’s family are present. TERRI and KENDRA are discussing their interior design plans.]
CUT TO:
INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY, CONT.
[The glee club continues to sing, with WILL dancing around them. WILL initiates some simple choreography and the students mimic him. The musical number comes to an end, and everyone laughs.]
WILL: All right, just like that. Ready?
__
CUT TO:
INT. LADIES ROOM – DAY
[EMMA steps out of a stall, gingerly holding her hands in the air as she approaches the sinks. Someone can be heard coughing and retching, so EMMA goes to investigate. She opens the stall to find RACHEL on her knees, hunched over the toilet.]
EMMA: Rachel, did you just throw up?
RACHEL: No.
EMMA: You missed the toilet.
RACHEL: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don’t have a gag reflex.
EMMA: One day when you’re older, that’ll turn out to be a gift. Let’s have a little chat, okay?
CUT TO:
INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE – DAY
[EMMA hands RACHEL a pamphlet titled “So You Like Throwing Up: Understanding and Overcoming Bulimia.” EMMA peers out into the corridor and waves to WILL.
EMMA: (clears throat) Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.
RACHEL: I don’t have bulimia. I tried it and failed and won’t ever attempt it again.
EMMA: Okay.
RACHEL: It grossed me out.
EMMA: Okay. But I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.
RACHEL: I want to be thinner. Prettier, like that Quinn girl.
EMMA: Mm-hm. And, um, why is that?
RACHEL: Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?
EMMA: No.
[EMMA’s eyes flicker to WILL in the hallway.]
CUT TO:
INT. EMMA’S CAR – DAY
[EMMA sits in her car, crying. It is raining heavily outside. “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen plays on the radio, and EMMA sings along.]
EMMA: (crying) By myself. I’m by myself.
CUT TO:
INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE – DAY, CONT.
EMMA: Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the- Like a long time ago, I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don’t care who he is. If he doesn’t like you for the way you are, if he’s- You know, he’s married with a baby on the way- That’s not worth the heartache. You don’t want to compromise yourself for that. Um- (clears throat) Have you just tried telling him how you feel?
RACHEL: (dejectedly) He doesn’t even notice me.
EMMA: I see. Um- okay. Well, here’s what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then he’ll see you in a positive way and maybe you’ll end up doing something that you never would have expected.
[RACHEL nods and smiles hopefully.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE – DAY
[RACHEL and FINN are sitting in front of FIGGINS’ desk. SUE and WILL stand on opposite sides of the room.]
SUE: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?
FINN: It just sort of happened.
RACHEL: I don’t mean to be rude, but I think she’s overreacting.
SUE: You watch your tone, young lady. (To FIGGINS) Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (To RACHEL) All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.
RACHEL: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenge friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.
FINN: Yeah, pretty much what she said.
CUT TO:
INT. ART ROOM – DAY
[RACHEL and FINN are sitting at the table, working on a flyer.]
RACHEL: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake- He’s a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.
FINN: Who’s Justin Timberlake?
RACHEL: (voice-over) It was a twofold plan.
CUT TO:
INT. COPY ROOM – DAY
[RACHEL and FINN are making copies of their flyer.]
RACHEL: (voice-over) We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.
[SUE steps into the room. When she realizes what they are doing, she drops her protein shake on the floor.]
CUT TO:
INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE – DAY, CONT.
SUE: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can’t begin to fathom the damage you’d have done to the program had you broken it.
WILL: Hold on a second, Sue.
SUE: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender. There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don’t apply to your students. (To FIGGINS) It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.
WILL: (To FINN and RACHEL) How many copies did you guys make?
SUE: (To FIGGINS) Seventeen.
WILL: Okay. And how much does a photocopy cost?
FIGGINS: Four and a half cents.
WILL: How about they just pay for the copies?
FIGGINS: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we’ll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor
SUE: That’s why we have janitors.
FIGGINS: Sue, we’re in a recession, and concessions must be made. I’ve laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.
[RACHEL, FINN and WILL nod.]
SUE: Lady Justice wept today.
[SUE extends her hand to FINN and RACHEL in expectation of payment.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
FINN: I’m sorry about that Mr. Schue.
RACHEL: I’d like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.
WILL: You know what, guys? I don’t want to hear it.
RACHEL: Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has. It’s a terrible idea.
WILL: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. We’re doing the assembly and you’re not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!
[WILL exits down the hall.]
FINN: It’s official. I’m a dead man.
RACHEL: Look, I know you’re nervous, but you’re really, really talented.
FINN: (bashful) Stop it.
RACHEL: I mean, maybe it’ll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?
FINN: I can’t. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.
[FINN walks away, and RACHEL watches him leave.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. WILL’S APARTMENT, BATHROOM – DAY
[WILL and TERRI are sitting together in the bathtub, TERRI’S back pressed to WILL’S chest.]
WILL: Baby, I have some bad news.
TERRI: A wealthy relative died?
WILL: I don’t have any wealthy relatives.
TERRI: Oh.
WILL: I’ve just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I- I can’t find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.
TERRI: Why can’t we ever be the ones to catch a break?
WILL: No, no, no. It’s gonna be okay, baby. I mean, we don’t need a grand foyer to be happy.
TERRI: No. You know what? I’m so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer. I want my dream house. I work hard. I sacrifice. I deserve it.
[TERRI steps out of the tub and begins pulling on her robe.]
TERRI: You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N’ Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids- that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?
[TERRI exits. WILL sighs and sinks down under the water.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. COPY ROOM – DAY
[FIGGINS is kneeling on the floor, scraping off congealed protein shake. WILL enters.]
WILL: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.
FIGGINS: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I’ve been here till 10:00 pm every night up to my elbows in Vamoose!
WILL: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots?
[FIGGINS sighs and shakes his head.]
WILL: I’ll work at half salary.
[FIGGINS looks up and smiles.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY
[QUINN and a group of other Cheerios are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. RACHEL is sitting alone opposite them. QUINN strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.]
QUINN: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we’re welcoming a new member this week- Rachel What’s-her-name.
RACHEL: Where are all the boys?
QUINN: Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY
[A group of football players and other boys are spread around the room. FINN is sitting on a desk, tossing a football into the air.]
FINN: (voice-over) I’m still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray’s pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.
JACOB: I think I’m gonna kill myself. I’m serious. We’re bombarded with sexual imagery every day- Beer ads, those short skirts. I’m supposed to be surrounded by temptation- Not be able to do anything about it?
PUCK: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.
[SANTANA twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.]
QUINN: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.
ALL: It’s all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Oh!
[The Cheerios begin to dance in place.]
CHEERIO: Back it up like a dump truck, baby!
[RACHEL appears annoyed by their behavior.]
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY, CONT.
JOCK: (To FINN) So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?
FINN: We grind, make out.
JACOB: But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind- Cinco de Mayo.
FINN: (chuckling) It’s not a problem for me, man.
[FINN and PUCK high five.]
FINN: (voice-over) Actually, it’s a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver’s permit.
CUT TO:
INT./EXT. CAR – DAY
[FINN is driving with his mother, CAROLE, in the passenger seat.]
CAROLE: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure’s necessary, huh?
FINN: Driving’s fun.
CAROLE: Yeah.
[The car slams into a mailman, whose body rolls onto the hood of the car and into the windshield.]
CAROLE: (screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.
[All Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. They are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.]
QUINN: Let’s pair up for the “Immaculate Affection.” Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.
[QUINN steps over to FINN, smiling and placing the balloon between their pelvises. RACHEL glances at FINN and reluctantly moves closer to JACOB, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.]
JACOB: You enchant me.
PUCK: Yeah!
[PUCK grinds into the balloon between him and SANTANA, who struggles to pull away.]
SANTANA: Stop it!
PUCK: Take it. Ah, yeah!
[The balloon between FINN and QUINN pops.]
QUINN: Finn!
FINN: It must have hit my zipper.
[RACHEL breaks away from JACOB and addresses the room.]
RACHEL: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn’t work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there’s no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That’s what contraception is for.
QUINN: Don’t you dare mention the “C” word.
RACHEL: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.
JACOB: I- Is that accurate?
__
CUT TO:
INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT
[WILL, dressed in his janitor uniform, is scraping gum from the bottom of a desk. EMMA enters.]
EMMA: Will?
[WILL turns in surprise and bumps his head against the desk.]
WILL: Aaah! Emma- What are you doing here so late?
EMMA: I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um- Are you a janitor?
WILL: A jan- no.
EMMA: Really? ‘Cause you’re dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says “Will.”
WILL: Um, Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we’re, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and- (sighs) I’m really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?
EMMA: Yeah. Oh, yeah, your secret’s completely safe with me.
WILL: Thank you.
EMMA: Do you, um- Do you want a hand?
WILL: Oh- No. I-I’m good, really.
EMMA: Really? Because I can see from here that you’ve used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn’t wash her hands after doing number twos.
FLASHFORWARD TO:
INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT, CONT.
[EMMA is scrubbing the pencil sharpener while WILL dusts a hanging solar system.]
EMMA: I really admire you working so hard for something you want.
WILL: Let’s make a deal. You’re helping me with my problem. How bout I take a stab at one of yours?
EMMA: Oh, no, I don’t- I don’t have a problem.
WILL: You’ve been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.
EMMA: Well, I mean, I have- I have a little trouble with messes, but it’s not like it’s a problem.
[WILL sits down on a desk and smiles at EMMA knowingly.]
EMMA: Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.
WILL: Really?
EMMA: Yeah. And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yoghurt tasting my- my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.
WILL: What?
EMMA: And, um, ever since then, I’ve just- I’ve had a little trouble forgetting the, uh- the smell.
WILL: Have you thought about- I don’t know- maybe seeing someone about that?
EMMA: Oh, no. It’s completely manageable. You know, I just- I take lots of showers and I, um- You know, I don’t eat dairy. So it’s-
WILL: I want to try a little experiment.
[WILL gets up and walks over to the chalkboard, collecting some chalk dust from the ledge with the tip of his finger.]
EMMA: Oh, no. No, I’m not really, um, comfortable with- with that.
[WILL touches his finger to EMMA’S nose, leaving behind a smudge of dust. They stare into each others eyes. After a moment, WILL removes the dust with the back of his forearm.]
WILL: There. Ten seconds.
EMMA: New record. It’s late. I should, um- I should be, um, going.
[EMMA walks past him towards the door. KEN watches the exchange through the window of the classroom.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY
[RACHEL stands before the glee club, who are gathered in the stands. She taps her gavel to a sound board.]
RACHEL: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.
ARTIE: But Mr. Schuester isn’t here.
RACHEL: Mr. Schuester isn’t coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.
MERCEDES: Ugh! I’m so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón.
FINN: Let her talk.
[FINN nods at RACHEL in encouragement.]
RACHEL: I have another idea for the assembly.
ARTIE: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?
RACHEL: They’re not gonna kill us. Because we’re gonna give them what they want.
KURT: Blood?
RACHEL: Better. Sex.
__
CUT TO:
INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY
[The entire student body is sitting in the stands. FIGGINS is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. WILL is sitting in a chair to his side.]
FIGGINS: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We’re not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.
EMMA: (clapping) Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!
[WILL steps up to the microphone.]
WILL: Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we’re on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I’m gonna let some friends of mine show you instead.
[WILL sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of “Push It” by Salt ‘n’ Pepa. Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. WILL, SUE, and QUINN are horrified, but FIGGINS and EMMA appear to be enjoying themselves. The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence, JACOB springs up out of his seat.]
JACOB: Yes!
[The students erupt into cheers, with the exception of the Cheerios.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE – DAY
[WILL and SUE are sitting before FIGGINS’ desk. No one speaks.]
SUE: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.
FIGGINS: We’ve received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
WILL: I- I really don’t know what to say.
SUE: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you’re the one that should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.
FIGGINS: Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community’s values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.
[FIGGINS hands WILL the list.]
WILL: But, all of these songs have either “Jesus” or “balloons” in the title.
FIGGINS: But there are also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I’m not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I’m cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.
SUE: This will not stand.
FIGGINS: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.
__
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
[RACHEL is standing just outside of FIGGINS’ office, her head resting dejectedly against the wall. She turns as SUE, making an “I’m watching you” gesture, passes by. WILL enters.]
RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, I’m so sorry.
WILL: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here’s a list of the songs that we’re allowed to sing.
RACHEL: What’s a “Luftballon”?
WILL: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club and I understand why you did what you did, but I don’t like the way you did it.
[WILL exits, leaving behind a saddened RACHEL.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. STAFF ROOM – DAY
[EMMA is eating her lunch at a table by herself, being careful to clean her grapes before popping them into her mouth. KEN drops a pair of tickets on the table in front of her.]
KEN: They’re for Tulip-A-Looza. It’s a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It’s supposed to smell pretty nice.
EMMA: That’s really sweet of you, Ken, but I have…a-asthma.
KEN: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don’t know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I’m a good man, Emma. I’ll treat you right. I’ll put up with all your crazy. They can’t fire me ‘cause I’m a minority, so I’ll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse and in this town, you’re not gonna do much better. Okay, I’m done talking now.
[KEN exits.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY
[FINN and RACHEL are on stage. RACHEL sits at the piano, tapping a high note.]
RACHEL: Try it.
FINN: (mimicking the note) La.
RACHEL: Good.
FINN: That was good.
RACHEL: Okay, one more up.
FINN: La.
RACHEL: That was really good.
FINN: Is that okay?
RACHEL: Yeah, it’s like the holy grail for a baritenor, so it’s a good note. All right, I’ll start at the bottom, and then we’ll go up higher.
FINN: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.
RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, sure. Lucky I prepared for that.
[RACHEL gestures toward elaborate picnic area set up on the floor of the stage.]
FINN: Wow. I was wondering what that was all about.
RACHEL: Want to sit?
FINN: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
RACHEL: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.
FINN: Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you.
RACHEL: You think I’m good?
FINN: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren’t hanging out under there. But then I heard you sing. I don’t know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.
[FINN places his hand left hand over his chest. RACHEL moves his hand to the opposite side.]
RACHEL: Your heart’s on the other side of your chest.
FINN: Oh. It’s beating really hard. You’re cool, Rachel.
RACHEL: Do you want a drink?
FINN: Yeah.
[RACHEL reaches for a thermos and prepares their drinks.]
RACHEL: Virgin Cosmos.
FINN: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club- That was really cool. (accepting a cup from RACHEL) Thanks.
RACHEL: Well, cheers.
FINN: Cheers. Cups are like the airplane cups. Oh, you got a little Cosmo right-
[FINN reaches out and wipes his thumb slowly across RACHEL’S upper lip.]
RACHEL: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.
FINN: I want to.
[RACHEL lays down onto the pillows as FINN moves over her. Their lips meet briefly, at first. They kiss once more until FINN pulls away, panicking. He imagines the mailman crashing into the windshield of his car. FINN awkwardly tears himself away from RACHEL and stands up.]
RACHEL: What?
RACHEL: Did I do something wrong?
FINN: No, no. Um, I just gotta go. Look, please don’t tell anybody about this, okay?
[FINN exits, and RACHEL places her head in her hands.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
[TERRI is lying in an examination chair. The doctor squirts gel onto TERRI’S stomach and begins the ultrasound.]
TERRI: I don’t want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I’m so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.
DOCTOR: Trust me. You’re clear.
[DOCTOR sets the ultrasound equipment aside and sits down.]
TERRI: Are you sure?
DOCTOR: Positive.
TERRI: Is it a boy or a girl?
DOCTOR: Um- Don’t quite know how to put this. There’s no baby.
TERRI: (frantically) Did it fall out?
DOCTOR: (laughs) Uh, no. Uh, you’re not pregnant.
TERRI: But I’ve gained ten pounds.
DOCTOR: It’s probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You’re having what’s called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you’re meant to get pregnant, it’ll happen.
__
CUT TO:
INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY
[WILL is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. QUINN, SANTANA, AND BRITTANY stand before him.]
WILL: I have to say, I’m really surprised you guys are trying out.
QUINN: I’m sure you’ve read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t support him?
WILL: Well, let’s see what you’ve got.
[The three Cheerios perform “I Say A Little Prayer” by Dionna Warwick. QUINN sings lead, and much of the choreography features her at the center of the formation. WILL seems impressed.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. SUE’S OFFICE – DAY
[QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are sitting in front of SUE’S desk.]
SUE: Let me get this straight. You’re joining Glee Club?
QUINN: I’m sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don’t kick us off the Cheerios.
SUE: [snaps fingers] Cease fire on the waterworks. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don’t have my bone structure. But it wasn’t until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We’re going to bring this club down from within.
[BRITTANY and SANTANA high five behind QUINN.]
QUINN: And I’m gonna get my boyfriend back.
SUE: I don’t care so much about that.
__
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY
[EMMA is scrubbing the mouthpiece of a drinking fountain with a toothbrush. WILL approaches her, and small packet in his hand.]
WILL: Hey, Emma. Guess what. I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boy’s bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?
EMMA: Will, what are we doing? I mean, you’re having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh- I have a date.
WILL: Oh, that’s great.
EMMA: Yeah.
WILL: Yeah. With who?
EMMA: I’m gonna go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.
[EMMA nods to WILL before stepping around him and walking down the hall.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. WILL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
[WILL steps through the door in his janitor uniform. TERRI is standing by the dining room table with a lighter in her hand. She lights a candle on the table.]
TERRI: There’s my man. Bringing home the bacon.
WILL: You- You made dinner. I thought you’d be asleep.
TERRI: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie- from scratch.
[The sit down.]
WILL: Terri, that’s so thoughtful. I- Yeah, you know, I’ve been working so had lately, some- sometimes I forget what I’m doing it for. Family’s what’s important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.
TERRI: Yeah.
WILL: I’m sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?
TERRI: I went to the baby doctor today.
WILL: And?
[WILL looks at her with anticipation. TERRI is uncomfortable.]
TERRI: And…it’s a boy.
[WILL gets out of his seat and hugs TERRI.]
WILL: Oh, my God. Terri, that’s amazing.
TERRI: Yeah.
WILL: Oh, my God. Oh!
TERRI: Uh, I want you to give up being a janitor.
WILL: What?
TERRI: Yeah. We don’t need a new house. We’ll turn my craft room into a nursery. It’s a compromise that I want to make.
WILL: Really?
TERRI: Yeah. You know, the only project I want to work on now is us.
[WILL kisses TERRI.]
WILL: I love you so much.
__
CUT TO:
INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY
[RACHEL and WILL are standing in the choir room alone. RACHEL looks at him despondently.]
RACHEL: You’re giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That’s my solo.
WILL: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn’s audition song was on Figgin’s approved list and, frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.
RACHEL: You’re punishing me.
WILL: Contrary to your beliefs, it’s not all about you. Or, I’ve realized, about me. Look, I screwed up too. I’m as responsible for what you did at the assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in ’93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that- That is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we’re gonna succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You’re not always gonna be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you’re always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We’re on our way.
[WILL gathers his things and walks to the door.]
RACHEL: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.
WILL: Sure.
[WILL exits.]
__
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY
[RACHEL sings “Take A Bow” by Rihanna. MERCEDES and TINA stand behind her, singing backup. RACHEL is shown singing into her hairbrush in her room. The scene changes to RACHEL watching QUINN and FINN laugh together in the hallway. These three locations cycle throughout the song.
CUT TO BLACK
