INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.

[KURT selects the song “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” by Beyoncé on his iPod. He, BRITTANY, and TINA perform the song in leotards. Suddenly a hand pushes a button and stops the music. It is KURT’s father, BURT HUMMEL. He gazes disapprovingly at what is taking place before him.]

KURT: Dad! You’re home early.

BURT: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?

KURT: It’s a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.

[BURT puts a finger in KURT’s unitard, letting it snap back into place. He nods.]

TINA: F-f-f-football!

KURT: Yeah, all the guys in football wear them. They’re jock chic.

BRITTANY: Totally. Kurt’s on the football team now. He’s the kicker – that’s the smallest guy on the field, right?

KURT: Yeah. Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.

BURT: Hmm. Really. You know, I played in JC before I busted up my knee, popping wheelies on my third bike.

KURT: Cool. I guess we’ll havе something to talk about, then.

[KURT chuckles.]
BURT: So one of you two his girlfriend?

[KURT is taken aback by the question, but he puts his hand on TINA’s back.]

KURT: But I’m not ready to be exclusive just yet.

BURT: Alright, just keep the music down. I can’t hear myself think up there.

[BURT starts to walk back upstairs, but stops to ask KURT something.]

BURT: And hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.

[KURT nods feverishly. His grin disappears once he realizes the mess he is in.]

GLEE OPENING TITLE

CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.

[TERRI is doing deep breathing exercises. WILL is helping her and encouraging her. At first it appears that TERRI is having her baby.]

WILL: You’re doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.

[TERRI’s sister KENDRA then interrupts the scene.]

KENDRA: No, no, no! Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.
WILL: Well, I’m just trying to be supportive.

KENDRA: Oh, Will, this isn’t about you.

WILL: I’m sorry, Kendra, when was I making it about me?

KENDRA: Ugh. You have to be liked, Will. You’re nice and supportive and you avoid conflict.

[WILL looks to TERRI to see if what KENDRA is saying is true. TERRI nods.]

KENDRA: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boyhowdy in five months! She doesn’t need nice. She needs dolomites.

WILL: I can be tough.

KENDRA: Of course you can, sweetie.

[KENDRA gets off the couch and down to where TERRI and WILL are, on the floor.]

KENDRA: Okay, why don’t you come on down here? I’m going to show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife’s stomach.

[TERRI looks panicked.]

WILL: Okay.

TERRI: No, no, wait!
[TERRI sits up quickly.]

KENDRA: Oh, no, no, no! You’ll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.

TERRI: I don’t want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby!

KENDRA: Oh.

TERRI: Yeah. [then, to WILL] Honey? Would you get me a BLT?

WILL: S-sure. I – I’m – it’s gonna take a few minutes, though.

TERRI: That’s okay.

[WILL kisses TERRI’s forehead and gets up to leave.]

WILL: Alright. Be right back.

KENDRA: Make me one too, but hold the tomato.

WILL: Okay.

KENDRA: And the lettuce.

TERRI: I can’t do this!

KENDRA: Oh, don’t worry about it! You’re gonna have an epidural. I’m just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty, and then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.

TERRI: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody? Not even Phil?

KENDRA: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?

TERRI: No!

[TERRI lifts her shirt up carefully, revealing the pad that is making her appear pregnant. KENDRA gasps in disbelief.]

TERRI: The doctor said it’s a hysterical pregnancy! I can’t tell Will. I can’t! He already has one foot out the door. This baby’s the only reason he’s still here!

KENDRA: What do you think he’s gonna do when he finds out you lied?

TERRI: Oh, God, I don’t know! I’ve got to tell him the truth. I’ve got to tell him and I’ve got to deal with the consequences!

[TERRI gets up to leave and presumably tell WILL of her hysterical pregnancy. KENDRA stops her.]

KENDRA: Okay, are you insane?

TERRI: What?!

KENDRA: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it!

TERRI: I guess.

KENDRA: Stop being so emotional.

TERRI: Okay.

KENDRA: The solution is clear. We’re gonna have to get you a baby.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS TEACHERS’ LOUNGE.

[WILL walks in with a bagged lunch. Most of the tables are already occupied by teachers, and he is at a loss as to where to sit. He walks to the table occupied by EMMA and KEN and sets his lunch down.]

WILL: Hey, guys. I hope I’m not intruding.

EMMA: No, not at all. [then, to both KEN and WILL] Oh, um, so get this. You know how I’m kind of like a local news junkie, right?

WILL: Isn’t that kind of depressing?

EMMA: Oh, no, it’s kind of like a…kind of like a horror film, you know? It’s drug recalls and poisoned toys – Africanized bees, that was terrible.

KEN: That’s because disasters freak you out, yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because it’s a way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.

EMMA: A-anyway, yeah, um. They, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling, you know, and um, you’ll never guess who came on next.

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. FLASHBACK.

[ROD REMINGTON and ANDREA CARMICHAEL, two news anchors, are reporting the news.]

ROD: Well, let’s see what’s going on now with local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester in a brand new segment we call “Sue’s Corner.”

ANDREA: Take it away, Sue!

[The camera shifts to SUE’s desk at the news room. SUE’S CORNER begins.]

SUE: Thanks Rod, Andrea. You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing. Caning works! And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those nay-sayers out there, who say, “That’s illegal! You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks!” Well, to them, I say, “Yes. We. Cane.” And that’s how Sue sees it!

[During the last line, SUE lifts her right hand up to make the letter “C.”]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS TEACHERS’ LOUNGE. CONT.

WILL: They gave her a segment on the local news?

EMMA: Mmhmm.

WILL: Why?

[SUE walks into the teachers’ lounge with a box of donuts at her side.]

SUE: Well, because being a local celebrity who’s been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William. [then, to KEN, pointing at the chair directly in front of her] Hey, pal, you want to pull that chair out for me? My hands are still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole this morning.

[KEN, after hesitating, pulls out the chair for SUE and returns to his seat. SUE sets the box of donuts down on the table.]

SUE: Brought you some holes I couldn’t finish! Oh, and uh, FYI, the overnights were through the roof. You don’t know what that means, do you? – “Overnights.” Well, that’s lingo for overnight ratings, which shows us leading in eighteen to forty-nine year olds, making WOHN Western Ohio’s number one local newscast.

EMMA: Wow.

SUE: “Wow” is the word, Alma! You know, I wasn’t always in the spotlight, but I didn’t want to end up stuck at a lousy high school, wrestling with mental illness, or forty, and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state, or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed. I didn’t want to have to do that to myself. So, I sent out my resume and I am so happy to tell you that I am busting out of my box! Ah, I’d love to stay and chat but I got a satellite interview. That’s lingo, again, for an interview… via satellite.

[SUE turns and walks out of the teachers’ lounge, leaving WILL, EMMA, and KEN speechless.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.

[WILL is passing out sheet music to the Glee Club, namely RACHEL, FINN, KURT, MERCEDES, TINA, ARTIE, QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY. After inspecting the sheet music for a minute, RACHEL finds a problem.]

RACHEL: Excuse me, this isn’t the right key.

WILL: No. It’s actually the right key.

RACHEL: No, no, this is the alto part.

WILL: Yep. Tina’s doing the solo.

RACHEL: I’m sorry, there must be some sort of mix up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from “West Side Story” goes to me. Maria is my part! Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I’ve had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.

WILL: Well, I’m trying to shake things up a bit. Get us out of our boxes.

RACHEL: You’re trying to punish me.

WILL: I think you’re being irrational.

RACHEL: I think you’re being unfair!

WILL: I think you’re being unfair to Tina, who might have been happy about getting her first solo.

RACHEL: Tina knows how much I respect her and I think she would agree with me that she’s not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.

[MERCEDES interjects after looking over the sheet music.]

MERCEDES: Wait… I’m a Jet?

[RACHEL emotionally storms out of the room.]

ARTIE: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.

WILL: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.

[MERCEDES and ARTIE congrulate TINA for getting the solo.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM. LATER THAT DAY.

[All of the club members have left except for FINN and KURT who are on their way out.]

KURT: Finn? I needed to ask you something.

FINN: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I’m flattered! I know how important dances are to teen gays.

KURT: I’m not gay.

FINN: Oh.

KURT: I just… I needed a favor.

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD.

[The football team is practicing and doing drills under the supervision of KEN. Several of the team members fall down during a running drill.]

KEN: This is not that difficult, gentlemen, let’s go.

[The camera pans to FINN and KURT, who are standing on the field. FINN is dressed in his football jersey and is stretching before practice. KURT is dressed in a red sweatshirt and has a blue headband in his hair. KURT is holding a football helmet.]

FINN: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball…don’t try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.

KURT: [adamantly] It’ll mess up my hair.

FINN: Put your…put your helmet on, okay?

[FINN helps KURT put the football helmet on, much to KURT’s distaste.]

FINN: That’s good. Red’s your color.

KURT: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You’re really cool.

FINN: Well, I figure, the more crossover between Glee and football, the easier my life’s gonna be.

[KURT begins to walk away.]

FINN: Woah. Woah, woah, where are you going?

KURT: To get my music ready.

FINN: Wh-what? Are you nuts? You can’t use that!

KURT: But we did when we were rehearsing.

FINN: Practicing. And no one was around! Look, do you know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this try-out? If you do it your way, they’re gonna kill you!

KURT: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don’t warm it up right, it doesn’t rise. If I’m doing this, I’m doing it my way.

[KURT walks away to get his music ready. PUCK approaches FINN.]

PUCK: So are you two an item now, or…? He doesn’t belong here!

FINN: You joined Acafellas, what’s the difference?

PUCK: I’m a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it’s cool.

[KEN blows his whistle.]

KEN: Everybody take a knee.

[The team surrounds KEN and waits for him to speak.]

KEN: Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langenthaal, is zero for twelve in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically minded people know, THAT SUCKS!!! So Mr. Langenthaal will thusly be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.

[KURT makes his way through the crowd of football players.]

KURT: Hi, I’m Kurt Hummel, and I’ll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

[Several football players laugh, and KURT looks at them in disgust. FINN nods his head. KURT makes his way to the center of the field with a stereo CD player, and FINN walks by his side with a football. FINN puts the football down and holds it for KURT. KURT turns the stereo on and “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” plays. KURT dances to the music. KURT kicks the football and it goes all the way through the uprights at a high velocity. KURT takes off his helmet as KEN rushes up to him.]

KURT: That was good, right?

FINN: Aha, yeah.

KURT: That was good?

FINN: Yeah.

KEN: Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?

KURT: Mm, sounds like fun. Can I have my music?

KEN: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu, for all I care! [then, to the rest of the team] Gentlemen! We have found ourselves a kicker!

[KURT waves to the football team as PUCK looks at him in disgust.]

CUT TO: INT. SUE’S OFFICE.

[WOHN news station owner MR. MCCLUNG knocks on the door and then walks into SUE’s office. SUE is sitting down at the desk, autographing pictures of herself.]

MCCLUNG: More mail for you, Sue! But I think, I think there might be some, some hate mail mixed in for your editorial on littering.

SUE: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn’t hire me because I was yellow. Not everyone’s gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. It’s why I pay taxes. It keeps garbagemen earning a living, so they can afford tacos for their family.

MCCLUNG: Fantastic. But I’m…concerned…about your future at WOHN. You see, my daughter goes to your school and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir. You know, it makes me wonder, if you’re losing all that talent, how you can expect to win Nationals. See, your segment’s all about being a champion, Sue, a winner. So… We need you to win Nationals. Okay! Uh, thanks a bunch. Great work.

CUT TO: INT. QUINN’S LOCKER / WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is at her locker, visibly distraught with tears running down her face. FINN is approaching and calling her name, but she ignores him and walks down the hallway.]

FINN: Quinn! Quinn. Hey, what’s with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I’m sorry.

[QUINN stops at a corridor and FINN catches up with her.]

QUINN: I’m pregnant.

[FINN is now lost in his own mind, and find it difficults to focus on what QUINN is saying.]

QUINN: I wasn’t sure, and I really didn’t want to go by myself, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner!

FINN: Mine?

QUINN: Yes, you. Who else’s would it be?

FINN: But we…we never…

QUINN: Last month. Hot tub.

CUT TO: EXT. FABRAY HOT TUB. FLASHBACK.

[FINN and QUINN are both in the hot tub in their bathing suits, making out. FINN senses that he is about to ejaculate from the arousal.]

FINN: Oh no. Oh no. Oh…

QUINN: Think of the mail. Think of the mail! Think of the –

CUT TO: EXT. FINN’S CAR. FLASHBACK.

[FINN hits a mailman with his car on his first time driving.]

CAROLE: You killed him! What are you going to do?!

CUT TO: EXT. FABRAY HOT TUB. FLASHBACK.

[FINN cannot help it. He ejaculates.]

FINN: Oh…

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY. CONT.

FINN: But we were wearing our swimsuits!

QUINN: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub is the perfect temperature for sperm. It, it helps it swim faster.

FINN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are – are you gonna get a…?

QUINN: [crying] No. I really thought I had a shot at getting out of here! No.

[QUINN cries on FINN’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do.]

CUT TO: INT. RYERSON HOUSE.

[The camera is fixated on SANDY RYERSON’s doll collection. SANDY is wearing a Japanese kimono and is making tea to drink. He picks up a doll to inspect. SUE is standing next to SANDY, obviously disturbed.]

SANDY: I’ve been collecting since 1961.

SUE: Now, isn’t this just lovely and normal?

SANDY: [referring to his doll collection] They’re my everything. [then, referring to the whistling kettle] Tea time!

[SANDY chuckles, and then imitates the whistling kettle. He goes to get the tea.]

SUE: Right.

SANDY: So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?

SUE: Oh, I just thought I’d stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies, limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

[Coming back with his tea, SANDY motions towards the couch.]

SANDY: Please, have a seat on the Casting Couch.

[SUE takes a seat. SANDY pours them tea and sits adjacent to her.]

SANDY: Oh, it is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.

SUE: Sandy. Let’s cut the crap.

[SANDY begins to cry.]

SANDY: I’m living in a cocoon of horror! Yesterday, I ate nine cans of Aerosol whipped cream! No! Oh!

SUE: Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight! I wanna offer you the school’s Arts Administrator position.

[SANDY sits up, interested in SUE’s offer.]

SUE: You will have control of all the arts programs. Music, art, drama – wait for it – [with some disgust in her voice] Glee Club.

SANDY: It’s impossible. Figgins will never allow it!

SUE: Oh, don’t you worry about Figgins.

CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE. FLASHBACK.

FIGGINS: I’m never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.

[SUE comes around to FIGGINS’ computer and pulls up a website.]

SUE: Take a look at this.

[A commercial for Mumbai Air starring FIGGINS plays on the computer. On the commercial, FIGGINS is stretching his legs his to prevent blood clots.]

FIGGINS: [on the commercial] Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to keep blood from clotting.

[On the commercial, FIGGINS puts on an anti-embolism stocking.]

FIGGINS: [on the commercial] For additional protection, anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.

[FIGGINS then mutters something in Indian, and the commercial ends.]

SUE: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.

CUT TO: INT. RYERSON HOUSE. CONT.

SANDY: Our first order of business is Glee Club.

SUE: Oh! I couldn’t agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.

SUE: And there’s one lynchpin holding that group together.

SUE: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?

SUE: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I’m gonna fire four words at you. Liza. Minnelli. Celine. Dion.

SANDY: Oh… Yeah. I am yours.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[RACHEL approaches a bulletin board in the hallway, interested in a flyer that she sees. It reads “Be a LEAD in our High School Musical! Audition for CABARET! Must audition with Celine Dion song of your choice.” She signs her name on the sign-up sheet and puts a gold star sticker next to her name.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS AUDITORIUM.

[RACHEL is auditioning for Cabaret in front of SUE and SANDY. She performs an outstanding rendition of “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion.]

SANDY: Wow.

RACHEL: What’s next?

SANDY: Congratulations, miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.

[RACHEL is extremely happy. She puts her hands on her mouth and jumps up and down, excitedly.]

CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE.

[FIGGINS is sitting at his desk, with WILL, SUE, and SANDY in the office.]

WILL: This is a joke!

FIGGINS: William. Sandy’s never been formally charged with anything, and the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash! This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in that chair complaining how I don’t care about the arts program?

WILL: [to SUE] This was you. You have always been out to get me.

SUE: Oh, if I was out to get you, I’d have you pickling in a Mason jar on my shelf by now.

SANDY: William, take a chill pill. I’m here to help you.

WILL: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?

CUT TO: INT. WMHS DANCE STUDIO.

[RACHEL, dressed in tights and a leotard, is stretching and practicing ballet. WILL is there, talking to her.]

RACHEL: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?

WILL: Because I didn’t do it out of spite.

RACHEL: I’m offended by that accusation. I’ve always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don’t like me very much.

WILL: That’s not true! I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.

RACHEL: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I’m just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I’m the best one in there! I try the hardest and I want it the most.

WILL: Everyone knows that. And they’re scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you’ll pick up their weight. We can’t win Regionals like that! We need everyone to think that they’re a star.

CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS’ OFFICE. CONT.

SUE: We’re giving everyone a chance to think they’re a star! We’re providing opportunites. We’re opening doors. Find your voice, stomp that yard, all that crap.

WILL: [to FIGGINS] What does she have on you?

[SANDY has had enough. He stands up.]

SANDY: Enough! I tried to play nice with you, William, but clearly, you’d prefer to be adversaries. So be it.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS DANCE STUDIO. CONT.

[RACHEL is now packing up her belongings and getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: I’m not quitting Glee… I’m just looking for a reason to stay.

WILL: Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina?

RACHEL: Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there. You’re doing a great job at getting them out of their shells. Except for me. I’m still getting my lipstick flushed down the toilet… I still don’t have a boyfriend. Tina’s great, but why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good?

WILL: Just come to rehearsal.

[RACHEL turns and exits the dance studio, pensive.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS AUDITORIUM.

[TINA is singing “Tonight” from West Side Story on stage. WILL is at the side of the stage, encouraging her. Things are going great, but TINA gets nervous and blows the last note of the song. WILL comes over to her, clapping.]

WILL: That was great, Tina. Good job!

TINA: You don’t have to say that. I was sh-sh-sharp. I c-c-c-can’t do this.

WILL: Hey, hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey… I need you to be great at Regionals. To do that, you’ve got to know that you can do this.

TINA: You have to give this song to Rachel. She’s better than me, and you know she’ll quit if you don’t. I’ll have to t-take one for the team.

[TINA turns and exits the auditorium, leaving a dejected WILL on stage. He sighs. A very grievous FINN walks past TINA to WILL.]

WILL: Hey, Finn. What’s up?

[FINN tries to find the words to explain his feelings about QUINN’s pregnancy, but he simply cannot. Instead, he cries on WILL’s shoulder and WILL hugs him.]

CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT IN LIMA.

[WILL and FINN are at a restaurant. They are going down the salad bar.]

FINN: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. Couldn’t talk to my mom, you know?

WILL: [referring to QUINN] So how far along is she?

FINN: I don’t know. Uh, a couple weeks, maybe? It’s pretty recent, I guess.

[WILL and FINN walk to their table.]

WILL: Well, what do you, what do you need me to do? You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?

FINN: No. No, it’s not even a conversation. She’s keeping it.

[WILL and FINN sit down at their table with their food.]

FINN: I’ve seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas… or worse. They’re caged. Got no future. I can’t become one of those dudes! Mr. Schue, I gotta go to college, but we don’t have any money. I need a football scholarship, but the only way I’m gonna get one is if we start winning.

WILL: I’m not a football coach.

FINN: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?

WILL: Yeah.

FINN: You loosened us up. That’s the football team’s problem! I figured it out, watching Kurt kick those field goals.

[FINN pulls out a book titled “Never Die Easy: The Autobiography of Walter Payton.”]

FINN: Here, check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopedias, but… It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he – he won dance competitions on “Soul Train” and he took ballet lessons, and he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl. That’s how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.

WILL: Alright, let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Eh… I don’t think Ken will go for that.

FINN: We’ll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they’ll start to trust you. And I’m sure some of them will want to join. It’s a win-win for both of us.

[The camera suddenly pans to the table behind WILL and FINN. There, a young son and his father sit eating dinner. Acting like a father, WILL nods to FINN.]

WILL: Eat up.

CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.

[WILL and TERRI are in the bathroom, brushing their teeth at the mirror. WILL has presumably told TERRI about QUINN’s pregnancy.]

TERRI: How far along is she?

WILL: A few weeks. It breaks my heart. I mean, they’re both so scared to death, Ter. They’re just kids. They can’t raise a baby.

[TERRI suddenly stops brushing her teeth. A lightbulb has gone off in her head. She slowly continues brushing.]

WILL: I hear, this poor girl is so ashamed. She feels like she can’t tell anybody. I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that?

[TERRI again suddenly stops brushing her teeth. She is reminded of the way she is hiding her hysterical pregnancy from WILL. She slowly continues brushing.]

WILL: All that effort, covering that up.

TERRI: What did you say her name was? Quinn?

WILL: Quinn Fabray. Oh, and here’s the kicker. She’s president of the Celibacy Club.

[WILL kisses TERRI’s forehead and walks away. A grin sneaks onto TERRI’s face; she now knows where she is going to get her baby.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM.

[The entire football team, KEN, and WILL are in the locker room. PUCK slams his locker door closed.]

PUCK: This is garbage! What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?!

FINN: Why don’t you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team, even in practice.

PUCK: So we’re taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?

[KURT frowns in distaste at PUCK.]

WILL: Guys. Guys! Athletes are performers, just like singers and dancers. I mean, think about it. Jim Brown, Dick Butkus…

FINN: OJ.

WILL: OJ. Right. All pretty tough guys; all of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don’t think you guys are losing because you don’t have the talent. You’re losing because you don’t have the right attitude.

PUCK: Oh, I get it. We have think more like Amazonian black women.

WILL: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.

PUCK: [to KEN] Coach. Please. Step in here.

KEN: I’m down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.

KURT: Sun Tzu says in his “Art of War” to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t be on your heels if the other team started busting a move on the field.

[KEN blows his high-pitched whistle.]

KEN: Okay, too much talking, and not enough stretching. In the Choir Room in full pads in five. That’s five minutes. Let’s go!

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.

[The football team, in full uniform, is standing in the choir room under the supervision of KEN and WILL. WILL tries to teach them basic dance moves to the rhythm of the piano.]

WILL: Uh, five, six, seven, eight, step ball change, up! Den, den, den, deh. Buh, buh, buh, uh, buh, buh, buh.

[The team is mediocre at attempting these moves. WILL blows KEN’s whistle.]

WILL: That’s good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight. Okay? It’s just like you’re playing football. It’s all about the lateral movements. Just stay low, and…

[KURT attempts to interject.]

WILL: Watch Kurt.

[KURT attempts to teach the team the choreography to “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”. It is a bit better than the last attempt, but it still could use work.]

KURT: Alright, boys. Five, six, seven, hand, hand, point to the finger, hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack, back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.

[KEN blows his whistle loudly.]

KEN: Okay, that’s enough for today, gentlemen. We’ll…work on it. Just hit the showers.

KURT: [to KEN] Um, Coach, I don’t mean to interject, but um, I think we should end with a show circle.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[PUCK and FINN are walking out of the football team’s dance rehearsal in the Choir Room. FINN looks exhausted and worried.]

PUCK: What’s your problem?

FINN: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.

PUCK: Seriously, dude. What’s going on? I’m your best friend. Talk.

FINN: It’s personal.

PUCK: I knew it. You’re in love with Kurt.

FINN: Quinn’s pregnant. She’s keeping the baby.

[FINN walks away and PUCK’s eyes grow wider. He cannot believe his ears.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is walking down another hallway, carrying her books. She looks worried, just like FINN did previously. PUCK comes out of a corridor.]

PUCK: Sup, MILF?

QUINN: Leave me alone.

[QUINN continues walking, but PUCK follows after her.]

PUCK: Who’s the daddy? I just think it’s kind of weird if it’s Finn, since you told me you were a virgin when we did it… And I know for a fact that you didn’t do it with him.

QUINN: How can you be so sure?

PUCK: Finn’s my boy. He would have told me.

QUINN: You make a habit of sleeping with your boys’ girlfriends?

[QUINN walks down the hallway, and to get her attention, PUCK makes a spectical over his next line, throwing his hands in the air and shouting loudly.]

PUCK: Well, call the Vatican! We’ve got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!

[QUINN races back to PUCK and drags him to the nearest corridor to talk privately.]

PUCK: I’d take care of it, you know. You, too. My dad’s a deadbeat but I don’t roll that way.

QUINN: Weren’t you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?

PUCK: I’ve got my pool cleaning business.

QUINN: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day, but it was a mistake. You’re a Lima loser and you’re always gonna be a Lima loser.

[QUINN runs down the hallway, overcome with emotion.]

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS PARKING LOT / QUINN’S CAR.

[It is pouring down rain outside. QUINN comes running to her car. She is crying. She opens the car door, sits down in the drivers’ seat, and sobs for a few seconds before she is interrupted by a voice. TERRI is sitting in the passenger seat.]

TERRI: How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I’d say no more than five or six. I assume you haven’t told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can’t raise this baby, Quinn.

QUINN: I’m sorry, but who are you?

TERRI: I’m just somebody who wants to help.

QUINN: I don’t need your help! Get the hell out of my car!

TERRI: Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking?

[QUINN has no response to this question. TERRI goes searching through her purse and pulls out a bottle of prenatal vitamins.]

TERRI: Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.

QUINN: I don’t understand. What do you want from me?

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD.

[It is the night of the football team. Cheerleaders, including QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY, are cheering. EMMA is sitting in the crowded bleachers, cleaning off the seat next to her with a moist towelette. WILL approaches her.]

WILL: Anyone sitting here?

EMMA: Um, no. Here, here, you can…

[WILL smiles and takes a seat next to EMMA for the game.]

WILL: Well, at least I know it’s clean.

EMMA: Yeah.

[“The Star-Spangled Banner” begins to play over the intercom.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS BOYS’ LOCKER ROOM.

[KEN opens a case of whistles. After pondering for a moment, he selects one, and warms it up in his hands.]

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD. CONT.

[The football team, including PUCK, FINN, KURT, and a player named NICK, is standing on the side of the field, preparing for the game.]

FINN: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.

PUCK: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.

[KURT is visibly unhappy after hearing PUCK’s homophobic remark.]

NICK: Seriously, Finn. It was fun in practice and all, but we can’t do that out here in front of everybody! It’ll make us even more of a joke.

[KURT looks at FINN as if to say “Do something!”, but the team heads out to the field and puts their helmets on. It is game time. The crowd, including WILL and EMMA, cheers happily.]

FINN: Divert right. Eighty-seven on one. Break.

FOOTBALL TEAM: Break!

[The REFEREE blows his whistle to signal the official start of the game. A RUDE PLAYER from the other team yells to FINN.]

RUDE PLAYER: Yo, QB! Your momma’s so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Give me some ketchup!

FINN: [ignoring the RUDE PLAYER’s remark] Down, set, hut!

[The team does very badly in the first play. KEN and the crowd are disappointed.]

FINN: Punch and Judy on one, break!

[Again, the team does terribly. KEN is frustrated.]

KEN: Come on!

[BURT makes his way up the bleachers. Seeing him, KURT waves and jumps up and down from the bench.]

KURT: Dad! Dad!

[BURT makes a subtle wave.]

KURT: I told you! I told you!

[The game resumes.]

FINN: Jordan versus Bird on one!

KEN: Run!

[KEN throws his stuff on the ground. The scoreboard then changes. There are only twelve seconds left in the game. BURT looks unhappy in the bleachers.]

FINN: Cupid tips on one, break!

[The timer resumes counting down. FINN’s mind is racing. He sees QUINN, KURT, and WILL. With one second remaining, he calls for a time out.]

FINN: Time out! [then, to PUCK] Dude. We gotta do it.

PUCK: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.

FINN: We’re already jokes! I don’t wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.

[PUCK looks over to QUINN with the cheerleaders. Then, the RUDE PLAYER from the other team starts talking to PUCK.]

RUDE PLAYER: Yo, left tackle! Your momma’s so fat, her cereal comes with its own lifeguard. Like Baywatch!

PUCK: Hey, ankle grabber. I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

[The RUDE PLAYER does not know what to say. Clearly, PUCK actually did have intercourse with the player’s mother.]

PUCK: [to FINN] Let’s do it, captain.

FINN: [to the entire team] Come on, huddle up! Huddle up! Okay. “Ring On It” on three. Yeah. Alright? Come on! On three! One, two, three, break!

FOOTBALL TEAM: Break.

[QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are shown cheering with the cheerleaders. At first the team is hesitant, but they do agree to dancing.]

FINN: Hut, one, two, three. Let’s hit it!

[FINN makes a motion, and suddenly “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” is playing over the intercom. The whole football team dances to the song, much to the disbelief of BURT and the opposing team.]

FINN: Hike!

[FINN passes the football to PUCK, who makes it all the way to the end of the field. KEN and the entire crowd are extremely pleased.]

KEN: [to KURT] You’re up, kid. You make this and we win. You make this and you die a legend.

KURT: Can I pee first?

[KURT makes his way to the center of the field.]

BURT: God, he’s so little.

[KURT makes a motion with his hand. A short portion of “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” again plays over the intercom. Kurt dances for a few seconds, and then kicks the ball and makes the field goal.]

FINN: Ten, hut!

[The REFEREE blows his whistle. The game is over, and the Titans have won. All thanks to KURT. BURT goes crazy in the crowd.]

BURT: That’s my son! That is my boy!

[PUCK is happy until he looks over to see QUINN and FINN kissing. His smile quickly disappears. He walks off the field.]

CUT TO: INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.

[KURT is sitting at a mirror, spraying his face with some sort of skin care product. He proceeds to work at his skin with a pink sponge. BURT walks down the stairs and nods.]

KURT: Nighttime skin care is a big part of my post-game ritual.

BURT: Well, I don’t know what to say about that, but, uh… I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would have been there, I mean… alive.

KURT: Thanks.

[BURT turns to go away, but KURT stops him. He has something he wants to say.]

KURT: Dad?

[KURT stands up. BURT turns around and focuses on KURT.]

KURT: I…have something that I wanna say. I’m glad that you’re proud of me, but I don’t wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really showed me that I can be anything, and… what I am… is… I’m gay.

BURT: I know.

KURT: Really?

BURT: I’ve known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I’m not totally in love with the idea, but if that’s who you are, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay?

[BURT brings KURT in close for a hug.]

BURT: Thanks for telling me, Kurt.

[KURT nods. BURT turns to go upstairs and KURT sits back down at his mirror.]

BURT: You’re sure, right?

KURT: Yeah, Dad. I’m sure.

BURT: I’m just checking.

CUT TO: INT. QUINN’S LOCKER / WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is standing at her locker. She closes it and FINN approaches. She smiles.]

FINN: Hey.

[FINN pulls a torn baby blanket out of his pocket.]

FINN: Here. It’s my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it, and I took it everywhere with me, so it’s a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it.

[QUINN is taken aback at FINN’s kind gesture. She now feels especially awful that the baby is not actually FINN’s.]

FINN: I’m gonna do everything I can to be a good father.

QUINN: Thank you, Finn.

[PUCK walks up to FINN and QUINN. QUINN looks uncomfortable.]

PUCK: Hey, guys. How you doing? You know, lately, I’ve been getting really sick in the morning.

QUINN: Must be a virus.

PUCK: Hey, are you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They’re not going to be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid much longer.

FINN: Hey. Don’t talk to my girlfriend like that.

PUCK: You know what? You’re right. I was out of line. See you guys around.

[PUCK walks away from QUINN and FINN.]

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM.

[SUE is sitting at her desk in the WOHN news room. SUE’S CORNER begins. An instrumental versions of “Taking Chances” is playing in the background.]

SUE: You know, there’s a question I get asked a lot. Whether I’m accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen’s arrest, people ask me, “Sue, what’s your secret?” Well, I’ll tell you my secret, western Ohio.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.

[WILL walks in the door with PUCK, and football players MIKE CHANG and MATT RUTHERFORD. The entire Glee Club is already present.]

WILL: Hey guys! Let’s give a big Glee welcome to our three new members fresh off their big win on Friday night – Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford, and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: Sue Sylvester’s not afraid to shake things up.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM. CONT.

WILL: Let’s start today with “Tonight” from West Side Story.

[RACHEL beams at the prospect of singing this song, and nods fervently.]

WILL: Tina, show us what you got.

[RACHEL is upset. The solo is still not hers. She has not gotten what she wants.]

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: You know, I’m tired of hearing people complain, “I’m riddled with this disease!” or “I was in that tsunami.” To them, I say, “Shake it up a bit!” Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you’re living.

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE.

[SANDY is painting a set piece for the musical. RACHEL walks in.]

SANDY: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multi-tasking star.

RACHEL: I quit. I’m yours exclusively.

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: I’ll often yell at homeless people, “Hey! How’s that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?”

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE. CONT.

RACHEL: “Maybe This Time” in B flat?

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: You know something, Ohio? It’s not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn’t have bothered in the first place.

CUT TO: INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.

[KURT is sitting at his mirror. He sighs while he scrubs his skin with a pink sponge.]

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: But let me tell you something. There’s not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They’re both just making a lot of noise! How you take it is up to you.

CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.

[WILL and TERRI are in bed. TERRI is asleep, but WILL is restless. He is watching SUE’S CORNER on his television.]

SUE: [on television] Convince yourself they’re cheering for you. You do that, and one day… They will. And that’s how Sue sees it.

[During the last line, SUE lifts her right hand up to make the letter “C.”]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is standing at her locker, holding her books. She looks quite worn down. She cannot possibly do this.]

CUT TO BLACK