[OPEN: CHOIR ROOM. The glee club members are being directed by WILL as they practice choreography.]

WILL: Five, six, seven, eight. Step, turn, out, in, ball-change, step ball-change step. You, you, you, you. And ba-ba-ba. turn…

[The group falters their steps and WILL becomes frustrated.]

WILL: Come on, guys, you’re sleepwalking on me here. Give me some energy. We’ve got sectionals in two-

MERCEDES: (interrupting WILL) Please, sectionals is going to be a breeze.

WILL: Maybe so.

[FINN stares intently at QUINN’s stomach]

WILL: But if we coast through sectionals, we’re gonna get killed at regionals. We have got to be on our game.

[KURT laughs]

KURT: (off WILL’s disapproving look) Sorry. Funny Youtube. It’s the grapе stomping one.

[CUT TO: TEACHERS LOUNGE. WILL and EMMA are eating lunch.]

WILL: The kids have gottеn really complacent. It’s like the fire has totally gone out.

EMMA: Um, um, I’m sorry, you’ve just, uh… You’ve got a little mustard in your cute Kirk Douglas chin dimple.
[WILL laughs and sticks his tongue out]

WILL: Wha…? huh? Did I get it?

EMMA: Um… Here, let me. There.

WILL: Thanks.

EMMA: Um, so… Uh, when did… when did this start to happen?

WILL: A week ago.

[FLASHBACK - CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. RACHEL is directing the other glee clubbers in a dance number. Enter WILL.]

RACHEL: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven… No, no, no, no,no, no, no.

WILL: Great news, guys. Just got the competition bracket for sectionals, and we are in really good shape. There’s only two other teams. We beat them, we make it to regionals.

RACHEL: Uh, who are the other teams?

WILL: Drumroll please, finn.

[FINN plays a drumroll.]

WILL: School for the deaf in Dayton, and someplace called Jane Addams Academy.
MERCEDES: (scoffing) Jane addams? That’s a halfway house for girls just getting out of juvie.

TINA: Th-th-this is great!

ARTIE: People who can’t hear what they’re singing and criminals who don’t care. It’s gonna be a cakewalk. High fi…

[ARTIE offers up his hand to BRITTANY for a high five. She high fives SANTANA instead.]

WILL: (in voiceover) They think they’ve got it in the bag, so they’ve simply stopped trying.

[CUT TO: TEACHERS LOUNGE. WILL and EMMA continue talking.]

WILL: I’ve got to figure out some way to motivate them.

EMMA: Okay, well, you, um, you could… Oh, what about a sticker board? That’s how my parents got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I’d do a chore and then I’d get a star, and then…

[Enter SUE.]

SUE: Oh, dear God, please, please… Stop talking. I’m trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I’ve got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further.

[SUE holds up her binder.]

SUE: You know what this is? It’s a list of my Cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick them out.

WILL: Yeah, well, in glee club we do things a little bit differently.
SUE: Oh, yeah, Will? How’s that working out for you? You have to remember something. We’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them. Without it, their bones won’t grow properly. So if you want results with a kid, you find that competitive animal within and unleash it. Okay? (to Emma) Ellen, that blouse is just insane.

[SUE exits the TEACHERS LOUNGE.]

EMMA: I can’t believe she’s allowed to teach at this school.

WILL: You know…She may have a point.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. WILL addresses the students.]

WILL: Competition.

[WILL pins pictures to a board]

WILL: Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better.

KURT: I don’t understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.

WILL: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want to get through sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side. Let’s go, come on. All right.

[KURT moves to group with the girls.]

WILL: Kurt.

[KURT moves back to the boys side.]

WILL: Here’s the deal. Two teams. Boys versus girls. One week from today, you will each perform a mash-up of your choice.

PUCK: What’s a mash-up?

WILL: A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to make an even richer explosion of musical expression. Boys will perform on Tuesday, girls the next day. I want you guys to go all out, okay. Costumes, choreography. Whoever wins the competition gets to choose the number that we do for sectionals.

RACHEL: Wait, who’s going to be the judge? Your gender makes you biased.

WILL: Ah…There is going to be a celebrity judge.

TINA: Wh-who?

WILL: Oh, you’re going to have to show up to find out.

MERCEDES: We got this in the bag.

RACHEL: Totally. I’m going to start storyboarding our choreography tonight.

[The girls exit. WILL addresses the boys.]

WILL: Hey, I hope you guys are up for this competition. The girls look pretty pumped.

ARTIE: We’re planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.

[FINN yawns]

WILL: Hey, Finn, you all right? You seem a little out of it.

FINN: Yeah, I’m just a little worn out.

PUCK: Come on, dude. We’re late for football practice.

[CUT TO: SUE’S office. She writes in her journal.]

SUE: (in voiceover) Dear journal, feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried making a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice- disaster.

[CUT TO: THE PLAYING FIELD. The CHEERIOS practice their routine.]

SUE: It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg: a quiver.

[SUE looks on in horror as one of QUINN’S knees jerk as she stands atop the pyramid.]

SUE: That quiver will lose us nationals. And without a championship, I’ll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won’t be able to buy my hovercraft.

[SUE addresses QUINN after practice.]

SUE: Feeling all right, Quinn?

QUINN: I’m just really tired from glee club.

[CUT TO: SUE’S OFFICE. She continues writing in her diary, again in voiceover.]

SUE: Glee club! Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating, mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger like some sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I’ve sacrificed everything only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, journal? Is it me? Of course it’s not me. It’s Will Schuester. What is it about him, journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? The store-bought home perm? You know, journal, I noticed something yesterday.

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE. SUE watches WILL and EMMA interact in slow motion as she continues to narrate.]

EMMA: …chin dimple.

SUE: Of course, it’s coming clear to me now. If I can’t destroy the club, I’ll just have to destroy the man!

[CUT TO: SCHUESTER HOUSEHOLD. SUE is talking to TERRI.]

SUE: Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a hickory farms gift basket that doesn’t belong to you.

TERRI: What?! With who?

SUE: Guidance counsellor. Real floozy and a man-eater. Wears creepy brooches like the kind my nana was buried in. More tea.

TERRI: Oh, sorry.

[TERRI pours SUE more tea.]

SUE: It’s the same old song. Wife puts on a couple extra pounds…

TERRI: No, I’m pregnant.

SUE: Oh, that’s no excuse. I’ve always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness. Me? Never wanted kids. Don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.

TERRI: Are you sure about this?

SUE: A woman always knows. Let me put it to you this way: If it’s not a full-blown affair, well, it’s certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them.

TERRI: Oh, god, what am I going to do?!

SUE: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.

TERRI: Now you’re absolutely sure about this? I mean, you have proof?

SUE: Get into that school and sniff out those sex pheromones for yourself. We happen to have an opening. Our school nurse, Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma. Oh, she took a terrible tumble down the stairwell yesterday.

[QUICK-CUT TO: STAIRWELL AT MCKINLEY HIGH. SUE passes MRS. LANCASTER and trips her up. CUT TO: SCHUESTER HOUSEHOLD.]

TERRI: But I’m not a nurse. I work at Sheets n’ Things.

SUE: I’m not an American citizen. I was born in the Panama Canal zone. But I managed to get a passport.
I’ve run for office twice. My advice to you, if you want to keep your husband…get creative.

[CUT TO: PRINCIPAL FIGGINS OFFICE.]

FIGGINS: Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest in the nursing position, but your previous experience is limited to folding hand towels.

TERRI: As assistant manager at Sheets n’ Things, I’ve had first aid training. I’ve also used a defibrillator.

FIGGINS: Huh.

[CUT TO: TEACHERS LOUNGE.]

EMMA: So what did you want to talk to me about?

WILL: Oh, good news. I figured out a way to get the kids motivated. They’re going to compete against each other in a glee-off. Oh. And guess who the celebrity judge is going to be? You.

EMMA: Me?

[Enter TERRI]

WILL: You are the most honest and impartial person I know.

TERRI: Well, isn’t this a surprise.

WILL: Terri, wh-what are you doing here?

TERRI: (to EMMA) Hi. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Terri Schuester, Will’s pregnant wife.

EMMA: Hi.

TERRI: Oh, honey, someone got a little lipstick on your cup. I got it.

WILL: Um, is everything okay, Terri? You-you never visit me at work.

TERRI: Oh, I’m not visiting. No. You’ve been so stressed about our finances lately, that I thought I would pitch in by getting a second job. I’m the new school nurse.

WILL: But you’re not a nurse. You don’t have any training.

TERRI: Oh, please, Will. It’s a public school. Isn’t this going to be great? And this means I am gonna be around all the time now.

[CUT TO: BOYS LOCKER ROOM. COACH KEN TANAKA addresses the football team.]

KEN: Know. Your. Routes. Now that is the key to this play, gentlemen. The receivers run the fly route downfield and then block as the play develops, okay? Know your assignments. It’s not…

FINN: (in voiceover) I’m losing it. I’m tired all the time. I can’t keep my eyes open.

KEN: (distant, echoing) That’s your only job is to know your assignments.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM as FINN falls asleep.]

WILL: No sharps and no flats.

FINN: (still in voiceover) I know how lucky I am. Captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She’s hot, popular, and she’s carrying my baby and all, but I can’t get Rachel out of my head. She kind of freaks me out in a swimfan kind of way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking…if you’re not into boobs.

[CUT TO: BOYS LOCKER ROOM.]

FINN: My body’s a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day, and I have to rub biofreeze on my shins a couple times a day- growing pains. It smells pretty bad, but I mask it with drakkar noir.

[CUT TO FINN’S BEDROOM. He plays XBox.]

FINN: Being a guy my age is tough. Between glee and football and school and being popular, I’m just kind of overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me, and I don’t have the energy to do it all. I don’t know how important people like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I’m stretched too thin, so iIgave up homework, but that didn’t help. All I know is last night I got vaporized on level two. LEVEL TWO. And I didn’t even have the energy to care.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM.]

KURT: (distant, echoing) He’s drooling.

PUCK: Dude, wake up.

FINN: Sure, yeah, that sounds good.

PUCK: I said we can’t let those girls beat us.

FINN: Sorry. Sometimes when I’m thinking real hard, it helps to close my eyes.

ARTIE: We’re doing a mash-up of “It’s My Life” and Usher’s “Confessions.”

PUCK: We should get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece.

ARTIE: Puck, with respect, you’re more helpful when you don’t contribute.

PUCK: (to Finn) Dude. What’s wrong with you? Go see the nurse. Every day I say I have a headache, I sleep for three hours. I haven’t attended a math class in two years.

FINN: Thanks, guys. Keep up the good work. (FINN exits.)

[CUT TO: DANCE ROOM. RACHEL enters.]

RACHEL: Okay, girls, we need to get started.

SANTANA: We’re getting warmed up.

RACHEL: Where’s Quinn?

BRITTANY: Probably down at the mall looking for elastic-waist pants.

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester’s right, you guys. We can’t get complacent.

MERCEDES: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We’re gonna do a mash-up of “Halo” and “Walking On Sunshine.”

RACHEL: Yeah. That was my idea.

MERCEDES: Whatever. Come on, we can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.

RACHEL: We can’t just wing it.

MERCEDES: All those in favour of winging it? All those opposed? (RACHEL raises her hand pointedly) Looks like the ayes have it.

[CUT TO: NURSE’S OFFICE. FINN enters.]

TERRI: Hi. How can I help you?

FINN: Hey, Mrs. Schuester.

TERRI: Uh-huh.

FINN: I’m Finn Hudson. I’m in glee with your husband.

TERRI: Oh, hi, Finn. Oh, wait a minute. Are you the one who’s dating Quinn Fabray?

FINN: Yeah. Why?

TERRI: Oh, you have really good bone structure.

FINN: Yeah, um, I’ve been really tired lately and I was wondering if I could lie down in here for a while.

TERRI: Why don’t you have a seat? Why don’t you tell me a little bit about your sleep habits? What time do you go to bed?

FINN: Um, I don’t know. Usually, after Skinemax starts playing regular movies again. And I’m normally tired, but lately I can’t just fall asleep. It’s like my brain won’t shut up.

TERRI: Well, what are you thinking about? (off FINN’s worried look) Oh, you can be honest with me. There’s a code of silence in my office.

FINN: Okay, uh, football plays…

TERRI: Uh-huh.

FINN: Um, girls, dance steps… girls.

TERRI: Girls? But you’re dating Quinn Fabray.

FINN: Yeah, but… Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once?

TERRI: No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy.

FINN: So can I take my nap now?

TERRI: Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn?

FINN: No, but I read once that teenagers need more sleep than infants.

TERRI: When i was in high school, I captained the cheerleading squad, I kept a perfect 4.0 gpa, I cultivated my popularity, and I maintained a loving relationship with the boy who would become my husband.

(Beat.)

TERRI: Wow. I don’t even know how I did that. Wait a minute! Yes, I do. Pseudoephedrine. It’s the stuff they put in decongestants to make them non-drowsy. It’s kind of like a…well, like a vitamin. I would pop two of these blue meanies every morning and then I would be a firecracker for the rest of the day.

FINN: Are they safe?

TERRI: They’re over-the-counter. They stock them next to the candy bars. Sweetie, I’m the school nurse. I know what I’m doing.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. FINN enters, extremely energetic.]

FINN: Hey, guys, how’s it going? God, it’s a beautiful day. Let’s run through the number. I can’t waitto do the number. I’m ready and excited. Are you guys? Stand up. Come on. Let’s get this joint jumping.

ARTIE: Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?

FINN: No, just visited the school nurse. Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic. I can’t wait to do the number. Let’s do the number, and then afterwards, we can build a house for Habitat For Humanity.

PUCK: What kind of vitamin?

KURT: Vitamin C? Vogue magazine says it boosts energy levels and brightens the complexion.

FINN: Vitamin D. And I got you guys some.


*“It’s My Life/Confessions Mash-up” plays. Featuring Finn, Kurt, Puck, Artie, Mike and Matt.*


WILL: Awesome, guys. Geez, I didn’t know you had it in you. It’s like somebody slipped something in your juice boxes. (addressing the girls) You ladies better bring it tomorrow. Otherwise, we’ve got our opening number for sectionals!

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY. RACHEL approaches QUINN at her locker.]

RACHEL: I haven’t seen you at glee rehearsals.

QUINN: I’m not superwoman. I know glee is your whole life but I have the Cheerios, I’m on honour roll, I have friends.

RACHEL: You don’t have to be embarrassed. No one at glee is gonna judge you. Look, i know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don’t hate you.

QUINN: Why not? I’ve been awful to you.

RACHEL: That was before you knew what it felt like to be me. An outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you’re gonna need friends who can relate.

QUINN: How can you relate to what I’m going through?

RACHEL: You don’t think people whisper about me in the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?

QUINN: That was me, actually.

RACHEL: Look, I don’t agree with the choice you’re making, but you’re gonna need glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let’s face it, in a couple of months, that cheerleading uniform isn’t gonna fit and we’re gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls. It’s fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You’re actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that’s just because you lack my years of training.

QUINN: I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know?

RACHEL: I know.

[CUT TO: NURSE’S OFFICE. TERRI is on the phone.]

TERRI: Hi. It’s Terri.

HOWARD: Hi, Terri. This is Howard Bamboo.

TERRI: Yeah, I know that, Howard. Okay, you know how I’m moonlighting as a nurse? Well, I need a favour.

HOWARD: O-okay.

TERRI: Go to the drugstore and get me a couple of boxes of decongestant. I’m running low, and I want the children at McKinley to be healthy and happy.

HOWARD: Uh, h-how many boxes?

TERRI: Um…Thirty-six.

[TERRI hangs up the phone, HOWARD whimpers. KEN TANAKA enters the NURSE’S OFFICE.]

KEN: Hey, Terri.

TERRI: Oh, hi, Ken. What’s up?

KEN: Can we talk frank?

TERRI: Uh…

KEN: Listen…We have a problem. I think my girlfriend is in love with your husband. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the feeling was mutual.

TERRI: How long has this been going on?

KEN: I don’t know. A couple months. I see them together all the time laughing, talking…All the stuff she never does with me.

TERRI: You know, I knew something was up. She couldn’t keep her eyes off him at those Acafella clown shows.

KEN: Listen, has Will ever mentioned it to you?

TERRI: Oh, no, but he’s too smart for that. I mean, just barely, but still. Oh, Ken, I gotta be honest with you. I only took this job so that I could keep an eye on him. We’ve got to put a stop to this so that I can get out of here. See, I’m not built to work five days a week.

KEN: Well, I’ve been thinking maybe that if you and I started seeing each other on the side, it might kind of cancel their thing out.

TERRI: Are you two still having sex? Because, you know, when that stops, something is up.

KEN: We actually haven’t, um… had sex yet. She doesn’t like to be touched. By me.

TERRI: Oh.

KEN: God, I love her so much. (KEN starts crying)

TERRI: Oh, uh…Okay. It’s okay. There, there.

KEN: Look at the two of us. You pregnant, and me with psoriasis and one testicle that won’t descend. I don’t know who to feel more sorry for.

TERRI: Okay, that’s enough. You know what? You have got to stop being such a baby. I cannot fix this unless you are willing to man up.

KEN: Okay. I’m sorry.

TERRI: Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going straight to the nearest department store to buy her an engagement ring. Then you’re going to get down on one knee and you’re going to ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you.

KEN: No. I can’t do that. What if she says no? It might kill me.

TERRI: (she hands KEN a sheet of ‘Vitamn D’) Take two of these. Then nothing can stop you.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. RACHEL addresses the other girls.]

RACHEL: I told you guys.

SANTANA: We know. You’ve been berating us for the better part of an hour.

QUINN: Were they really that good?

RACHEL: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals and once again, I will be humiliated.

MERCEDES: How were we supposed to know they’d rock the house? They’ve never been good.

TINA: How did they d-d-do it?

[Enter KURT]

KURT: The real question is,“What were they on?” Though I’ve been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.

KURT: We all took something.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY. FINN walks down and greets people as he goes.]

FINN: (offering a high five to another jock) My man, got next week’s plays all worked out. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper on Bariloche, Argentina on your desk.

WILL: But it’s not due for two weeks.

FINN: Damn straight. I am in the zone!

[RACHEL stalks up to FINN]

RACHEL: Cheater.

FINN: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

RACHEL: You took performance enhancers before your mash-up. Kurt told me. It’s deplorable, contemptible, and it’s just plain wrong. It’s also cheating, as a matter of fact, I’m going to start calling you F-Rod.

FINN: Hey, hey, back off. I’m nothing like a-rod, okay? I’d never take steroids. They make your junk fall off. Listen, rachel, you don’t know what it’s like for me, the kind of pressure I’m under.

RACHEL: Oh, we all have pressures, but you know how I deal with it? The natural way, with a rigorous diet and exercise routine.

[CUT TO: RACHEL’S BEDROOM. Her alarm goes off.]

RACHEL: I’m up at 6:00 a.m. every day. I have my protein shake with banana and flaxseed oil, and by 6:10, I’m on the elliptical. You know how I motivate myself? Not with anything artificial. I set a goal and I won’t rest until I reach it.

FINN: Yeah, well, that’s personal pressure. If you don’t meet your goal, you’re the only one who loses. I have to be the quarterback, the male lead, and deal with a pregnant girlfriend who yells at me about ice cream, so, yeah, maybe I helped me and my team-mates out a little bit, but it’s only because I’m sick and tired of working so hard and still losing.

RACHEL: Yeah, but winning by cheating isn’t winning.

FINN: Oh, don’t give me that. The only reason you’re so pissed about this is 'cause you know you can’t compete with us.

RACHEL: Oh, I am offended by that accusation. We haven’t performed yet, but if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular.

FINN: Still isn’t going to be as good. We’re gonna win. You’re gonna lose. Deal with it.

[CUT TO: NURSE’S OFFICE. TERRI is handing out 'Vitamin D’ to all the glee girls.]

TERRI: Everyone gets a dose. Oh, except for Quinn. You get folic acid. Mama. (whispers) It’s good for the baby. (to HOWARD) Get the lead out, Howard. We have patients waiting.

RACHEL: Are you sure we should be doing this?

TERRI: Oh, it’s over-the-counter. It’s safe. You can trust me. I’m a nurse. It’s good for you.

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE. KEN TANAKA is furiously feeding paper through the shredder.]

WILL: What’s up with Ken?

TERRI: Doesn’t he have a healthy glow? I put him on a new vitamin regimen.

WILL: Is that safe? I mean, you’re not really a nurse, Terri.

TERRI: Don’t start criticizing my work, Will. Not when I’m just getting my sea legs.

[EMMA enters and TERRI moves closer to WILL.]

TERRI: Isn’t this nice? I mean, when is the last time we got to have lunch together on a weekday? Oh, honey, you have a little mustard. Just…

[TERRI attempts to lick the mustard off WILL’S face.]

WILL: (pulling back) Geez, terri. This is my workplace.

TERRI: I’m sorry, honey. It’s just that my hormones are going really crazy for you.

WILL: Hey, look, look. You being here is not good for our marriage.

TERRI: Spending time together is not good for our marriage?

WILL: Not every minute. There’s no separation. I mean, we used to come home every night and talk about our day. Now we have nothing to say to each other.

[CUT TO: SCHUESTER HOUSEHOLD. TERRI and WILL sit at the table eating dinner.]

TERRI: A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.

WILL: Pretty late in the season for that.

[CUT TO: TEACHER’S LOUNGE.]

TERRI: I think this is just forcing us to expand our intellectual horizons.

[WILL sighs and gets up to leave.]

TERRI: Where are you going?

WILL: The bathroom.

TERRI: I’ll come with you.

WILL: No! I love you, but I need my space.

[WILL exits. TERRI approaches KEN.]

TERRI: Now’s your chance, ken.

KEN: What, here? now?

TERRI: Yeah.

KEN: (approaching EMMA.) Hi, Emma.
EMMA: Hi, Ken.

[KEN gets down on one knee.]

EMMA: What are you doing?

KEN: Look, Emma, I know our relationship hasn’t been perfect. You won’t ride in my car, I can’t touch you above the wrist. Remember, you cried for an hour that one time my elbow accidentally brushed by your breast? But I think about you all day long. I kiss that picture of us at the state fair every night before I go to sleep.

EMMA: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. This isn’t happening. This is a dream.

KEN: Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring.

EMMA: Oh, thank goodness.

KEN: No, I mean it is. But it’s more than that. it’s a promise. Look, Emma, I know you have this thing about being clean. Now, I can’t promise to pick up my underwear or squeegee the shower door, but I can promise to keep your life clean of sadness and loneliness and any other dark clouds that might float into it. It’s cubic zirconia. I know how affected you were by black diamond. Emma Pillsbury, Eminem…Will you marry me?

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. RACHEL addresses their audience as the girls prepare for their number.]

RACHEL: Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure. While the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today’s modern teens, we have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe. Because if there’s two things America needs right now, that is sunshine and optimism. Also angels.


*“Halo/Walking On Sunshine Mash-up” plays. Featuring Rachel, Quinn, Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Brittany.*


WILL: Ladies, I-I don’t even know what to say. You did such a good job. I don’t know what you guys did, but whatever it was, keep doing it. Our celebrity judge has her work cut out for her.

[The bell rings and the glee club exits.]

WILL: Hey, Emma, um…Can you walk with me?

EMMA: Yeah. I think your, uh…I think your plan worked. Instilling a sense of good, clean competition in
these kids, I think, um…I think you really motivated them.

WILL: Well, actually, I consider you a co-conspirator. We came up with the idea together. So…Is it true about Ken asking to marry you?

EMMA: Yeah. Yeah, it is.

WILL: What are you going to do?

EMMA: I don’t know. Can you, um…Can you think of any other options I might have?

WILL: Is… is that a reason to marry someone?

EMMA: That’s not what I’m asking.

[CUT TO: EMMA’S OFFICE. TERRI enters.]

TERRI: Emma.

EMMA: Terri. Um, how are you? What can I, uh…What can I…Do for you?

TERRI: I just wanted to cut to the chase. Things have been a little awkward since I started working here. I just wanted to clear the air.

EMMA: Oh. that’s, um…That’s actually really nice. Why don’t you just…

TERRI: You have no chance with my husband. Do I make myself clear? Oh, you might think there’s some kind of competition going on between you and I, but that’s like saying that a nail is competing with a hammer.

EMMA: Terri, will is a good man.

TERRI: Uh-huh.

EMMA: He’s kind and he’s generous…And he deserves a lot better than you.

TERRI: Emma, will is my husband. Look at you. You are so superior because you’re nice to a man that you see for an hour or two a day. You’re just an innocent little dove. Hmm? You’re so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife. Yeah. Do yourself a favour, honey. Marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he’s dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities is gonna open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases, but he’s kind and he’s generous. And he’s available.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY. TERRI meets QUINN.]

QUINN: Mrs. Schuester.

TERRI: Mm-hmm?

QUINN: I need to talk to you…About the baby.

TERRI: Is everything okay? Wait, you’re not having it right now, are you?

QUINN: What? No! Aren’t you supposed to be a nurse?

TERRI: Mm-hmm.

QUINN: I’ve been thinking about your offer.

TERRI: Yeah?

QUINN: I like my life. I like being a cheerleader. And I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I really like being in glee club. I have all of these great things in my life, and it already feels like too much. (whispers) I can’t raise a baby.

TERRI: You know, honestly, I don’t even know how you kids do it nowadays. I didn’t have it this bad when I was your age. There weren’t as many TV channels either, though. Is Finn okay with this? Because, you know, I don’t want any baby daddy drama when you hand it over to me.

QUINN: He’s the reason I’m doing this. He’s such a good guy, and he internalizes all this pressure. He’s gonna have a heart attack. I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about this, though. I don’t want to hurt him, either.

TERRI: Well, your secret’s safe with me. I have a lot more to lose.

QUINN: One more thing. You know how you gave me those vitamins for the baby?

TERRI: Mm-hmm.

QUINN: I really appreciated that, but I’m gonna have all these doctor’s bills, and I’m gonna need some new maternity clothes.

TERRI: You want money from me?

QUINN: It’s gonna be your baby.

TERRI: Which means I’m gonna be paying the bills for 18 years. I think you can handle nine months. Look, you’re making the right call here, Quinn. It’s what’s best for everybody.

[CUT TO: BOYS LOCKER ROOM. EMMA enters and addresses KEN.]

EMMA: Hi.

KEN: Hi.

EMMA: Um, I can’t… I can’t stay long in this room, because of the germs, you know, and because of the odour. But I have a question.

KEN: Anything for you, Emma.

EMMA: So what would, um…What would getting married mean exactly? Because I would want to keep my last name. And I’d want to continue living in different parts of town, and, um, I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other after school.

KEN: Sure.

EMMA: And I wouldn’t want a big ceremony, you know, like in a church with people. We wouldn’t have to invite anybody, you know, or tell anybody, actually. It could be more like a secret, you know, like a secret marriage.

KEN: That’s actually a better deal than I expected.

EMMA: You’re a really good man, Ken. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, and I know that you don’t either.

KEN: So… Is that a yes?

[CUT TO: SCHOOL COURTYARD. FINN approaches RACHEL.]

FINN: What’s up, a-rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so energetic.

RACHEL: We were just taking a lesson from major league baseball. It’s not cheating if everyone’s doing it. We were just levelling out the playing field.

FINN: You really believe that?

RACHEL: No. Okay, I feel terrible. Even if we win, it’s not gonna be satisfying.

FINN: I know. I don’t even remember performing. What do you think we should do?

RACHEL: I think… the only way to make things right is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.

FINN: Cool.

RACHEL: I’m sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.

FINN: Ah, that’s all right. I didn’t even know what those words meant.

RACHEL: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it’s time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.

[CUT TO: FIGGINS OFFICE.]

WILL: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?

TERRI: I’ll say it again. They’re over-the-counter, FDA-approved. And if I didn’t give it to them, I’m sure the kids would just find a way to get it for themselves.

WILL: No, no, they wouldn’t. These are good kids.

TERRI: Nothing bad happened.

FIGGINS: Howard Bamboo got arrested.

TERRI: Well, that.

WILL: Wait. what?

FIGGINS: Pseudoephedrine is an ingredient in the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.

TERRI: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.

WILL: Okay, enough, Terri. How are we supposed to raise a baby when I can’t trust you to look after a group of teenagers? You are oblivious to consequences.

TERRI: I was only trying to help you, will.

WILL: Don’t! Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.

FIGGINS: I have serious concerns about your judgment, Mrs. Schuester. I must ask you to resign as school nurse.

TERRI: Fine. I was working too hard anyway.

[WILL and TERRI get up to leave.]

FIGGINS: Hold onto your horses, Schue. I have to question your judgment in the matter as well.

WILL: What? I had no idea this was even going on.

FIGGINS: Exactly. The children rely on you to create the culture. And you, with your obsession with winning and-and competition, has fostered an unsafe environment. I’m bringing in someone else to co-chair the glee club. Someone with a track record of responsibility and excellence.

[CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM. The students address WILL.]

FINN: We’re really sorry, Mr. Schue.

RACHEL: We didn’t mean to get you into trouble.

WILL: I’m really disappointed in you guys. Glee is supposed to be about what’s inside your heart, not what’s coursing through your veins.

RACHEL: We know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’d be happy to move forward and put this episode behind us.

WILL: Well, it’s not that simple. Because of this debacle, it’s been decided that I’m no longer fit to run glee club myself. We’ve been assigned a co-director.

RACHEL: Who?

[Enter SUE.]

SUE: Hey, kids. I gotta tell you, I’m just thrilled to be coming on board to co-captain your little, uh, showbiz cruise. Ah, I can’t wait to start singing and dancing and maybe even putting on the ritz a little bit.

[CUT TO: SCHOOL HALLWAY. WILL exits the CHOIR ROOM.]

EMMA: Will? I wanted you to, um, to hear this from me. You know Ken, um, asked me to marry him. I said yes.

WILL: That’s…That’s great.

[CUT TO: RACHEL’S BEDROOM. She throws away the 'Vitamin D’ and works out on her elliptical.]