[Verse 1]
If I die and go to hell real soon
It will appear to me as this room
And for eternity I'd lay in bed
In my boxers, half stoned
With a pillow under my head

[Verse 2]
I'd be chatting on the interweb
Maggots prey upon the living dead
I had no interest in the things she said
On the phone every day
I'll permanently hit the hay, hey

[Chorus]
I called her on the phone
And she touched herself
She touched herself
She touched herself
I called her on the phone
And she touched herself
I laughed myself to sleep

[Verse 3]
At this rate
I'll be heading for electric chairs
I'm only human, with my cross to bear
When she described her underwear
I forgot all the rules
My rabbi taught me in the old shul
[Verse 4]
You're too young to be this empty girl
I'll prepare you for a sick, dark world
Know that you will be my downfall
But I call, and I call, and I call

[Chorus]
I called her on the phone
And she touched herself
She touched herself
She touched herself
Called her on the phone
And she touched herself
I laughed myself to sleep

[Bridge]
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I want
(Met you on the internet)
I don't know what I want
(Then I lied about it)
I don't know what I want
(Met you on the internet)
I don't know what I want
(Then I lied about it)
[Chorus]
I called her on the phone
And she touched herself
She touched herself
She touched herself
Called her on the phone
And she touched herself
I laughed myself to sleep

[Outro]
(Woah!)
I called her on the phone
(Woah!)
And she touched herself
(Woah!)
She touched herself
(Woah!)
She touched herself
(Woah!)
Called her on the phone
(Woah!)
And she touched herself
I laughed myself to sleep