[Intro]
(It feels so good)
Ugh...
Oh, that's my shit right there
That's the ticket, gimme the ticket
Give it to me baby
You know it!

[Verse 1]
I'm too emotional
Good luck to my future wives and their future lives without me
You guys will do great
I'm sure that I've prepared you for every guy you'll date
And every guy you'll marry and every guy you'll hate
It's the lullabies I sang out of tune, that's probably what did it
Or my twin size mattress that I had since I was 7
That we have to sleep on whenever she spends the night
And if she falls off again, she'll find another guy to like

[Chorus]
We're just Romeo and Juliet
But getting drunk and eating Percocets
But just to ease the stress
But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, but Juliet just puked off the balcony
[Verse 2]
How romantic
Nothing like getting drunk and getting manic on a motherfucking Monday, I
I brush the bangs behind her lovely little ear
As she describes in detail how the end is truly near, wow
And I'm sure that we can do this for forever
Or until we drink the poison 'cause she sees some cloudy weather
As Rosaline, lies in bed, seething, wide awake
Because a burning love for Juliet only took a day
And if Romeo and Juliet continued to be married
Then there's half of a chance that their kids would get embarrassed
When all the kids at school all talk about their parents
And Romeo Jr. has to say they're not together
And Junior will dream of the day when he's a man
And what he'll do to avoid that 50% chance
Of his kids feeling the way he feels
He'll probably just stick with the Netflix and Chill

[Bridge]
Dear Shakespeare
Could you write a happy ending, please?
Could you write a happy ending, please?
We just deserve a happy ending, please, please

[Verse 3]
And every sting from every teardrop
From every ring at every pawn shop
I'm not missing both my Christmases, though family would be nice
In my dreams, my kids are happy, and I know that they won't mind
One Christmas
Just one Christmas
Just one Christmas
Just one Christmas
[Outro]
But dear Mom
Conversations from a couch haven't ever felt the same
Since you looked Dad in the eye, and you told him that things are about to change
My mom was made from Adam's rib, and the marriage went south
When the snake came back and asked my mother out to dinner
And my dad found out, and asked my mom what that's about
And she said, "Oh, it's nothing," but Dad loves to shout really loud
Loud enough to knock the lamps and dressers to the ground
In my memory, I can hear
Chopin's nocturnes playing in the background
A slow train wreck, you'll close your eyes but forever hear the sound
And boy, it's tough
'Cause that's the sound of people falling out of love