Workers of the world — ASSEMBLE!
It’s time for the ruling classes to tremble
I’m the people’s hero, the MVP:
M – A – R – X! Yeah, you know me!

Let’s go back to when men were free
We hunted and gathered communally
But get ready, ’cause here comes the twist
A villain appears, called a “capitalist”

He puts the proletariat — that’s US — in chains
Exploits our labor, and pockets the gains
Through slick ads he trick lads and ladies in kind
Selling fake needs he poisons our hearts and minds

He rots our soul through alienation
Pursuing limitless accumulation
He works us into an early grave
Through debt, steals back the money we save

Greed is the gospel! Profit? GOD
The rich get richer through graft and fraud
The poor get poorer, but YOU don’t care
Doesn’t that sound laissez unfair?

200 years I’ve been singing this song
Now my chorus is 99% strong
The revolution’s here. It’s time to repent
Your moment is over — your capital’s SPENT!
CHORUS
This is history’s lesson
You think he’s right, I’m guessin’?
All we want is progression
Without bourgeois oppression
So we look for the truth
As we tighten our boots
Who’s right, who’s wrong?
Left, right, left, now the march is on

MISES
Guten Tag, Marx, nice to meet ya
My name’s Ludwig: call me “Teacher.”
The master of markets, the Austrian boss
You don’t like profits? Well let’s talk LOSS!

The problem with your plan is NOBODY wins —
Except Stalin, Pol Pot, Ho Chi Minh
Lenin, Mugabe — remember Berlin?
They built a wall to keep THEIR people IN!

Your theories have a rotten foundation
Built on control, not cooperation
Centralized power completely corrupts —
Real people suffer, violence erupts
Your system depends on the very same people
You decry as greedy, bourgeois and evil
If we’re not fit to run our own lives
Why would you expect our votes to be wise?

If you really want to help people rise up
Unleash the free market: lift their lives up!
It was capitalism, not a socialist plan
Saved billions in India, China, Japan

Everyone has a unique purpose and plan —
No one solution can serve the whole land
Each individual has their own voice
The heart of my theory is freedom and choice

CHORUS
This is history’s lesson
The market’s a blessing (yeah right)
Let’s pursue our expression
Living free from aggression
So we look for the truth
With the freedom to choose
Who’s right, who’s wrong?
Left, right, left, now the march is on

MARX
Free Marketeers love to play this game:
Mao kills millions, Marx gets blamed
It’s deceptive, dishonest, plain unfair
Did I drive the tanks at Tiananmen Square?!
Man, I’m a humanist! You can check my receipts!
But you gotta break eggs if you wanna eat
Don’t like violence? Admit defeat!
Then I’ll call this revolution complete

Till then? Let’s get a few things straight:
I’m not shaping the future, I’m embracing our fate
My utopian forebears weren’t that specific
But this analysis is highly scientific

Every social system has governing laws
Capitalism? DOOMED, because
The system generated its own fatal flaws
By uniting workers in a common cause

Thanks to you, we have all the wealth we need
To seize control, and eradicate greed
The people are rejecting your bourgeois lies —
REAL Marxism has never been tried

Equality is the core of my creed —
From this one’s ability, to that one’s need
Our healthcare, finance, and industry
Let’s collectivize, and set ourselves FREE!

MISES
Your standard refrain: “Oh that’s not the real thing”
The most common verse all your followers sing
The closer we get to your ideal system
The further we go down the road to serfdom!

The empirical record can’t be denied
Your ideas don’t work… but they just won’t die!
ATTENTION: this is not breaking news
Jevons and Menger lit that fuse

Now here comes the bomb via Von Bohm-Bawerk
He blew up your system, exposed the core quirk
The heart of your theory is exploitation
Of surplus value — that’s a bogus equation!

You can’t explain value by measuring the cost
Of labor. That theory of value has lost favor!
Value is subjective by every measure:
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure

There’s no exploitation if two people arrange
Voluntary exchange, man, that’s not deranged!
That bourgeois transaction you diss with a scoff
Creates benefit for both so we’re both better off

Here’s the real problem, the crucial equation:
Without private markets, there’s no calculation
To coordinate courses, allocate resources
Incentivize choices — because it lacks prices

What crops should I grow? Where should this factory go?
How should I pick a J.O.(B)? How would your planners ever know!?
Your “theory” is a bundle of confusion…
Socialism got crushed by the marginal revolution!

CHORUS
This is history’s lesson
All we want is progression
Let’s pursue our expression
Living free from aggression
So we look for the truth
As we tighten our boots
Who’s right, who’s wrong?
Left, right, left, now the march is on

MARX
We’re all better off?! Are you kidding me, Mises?!
My immiseration thesis tears you to pieces
Your economy grows but not our wages
You call that progress? I think it’s outrageous

MISES
In 1820 everyone was poor
Until capitalism kicked down the door
Real wage growth, not stagnation
Saved 80% of the world from starvation

MARX
You kicked down the door, but you locked us out
That’s what your “free market” is all about
Here’s what you do: on your next shopping spree
Pick up this book by my boy Tommy P

MISES
The pie can get bigger, it’s not zero-sum
Free markets have lifted the lowest incomes!
If you really want to help out the poorest nations
Encourage peace, trade and immigration!

MARX
The earth is boiling and your solution
Is more production, more pollution?!
More cheap trinkets in bigger malls
More fossil fuels, more aerosols?!

For a problem this big we need total control —
A green new deal to save the north pole
We can’t gamble the future on anarchy
Greed’s not a plan, it’s insanity!

MISES
Your story’s bombastic, your rhetoric’s strong
There’s only one problem: your theory is wrong!
The wealthiest countries do the most to conserve
Haven’t you heard of the Kuznets curve?

Only wealthy societies can afford to go green
If you want a better world: see the unseen
Even carbon will bend to creative destruction
With entrepreneurship in the means of production

CHORUS
This is history’s lesson
The market’s a blessing
All we want is progression
Living free from aggression
So we look for the truth
With the freedom to choose
Who’s right, who’s wrong?
Left, right, left, now the march is on

MARX
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
The long march of history will come to an end
Hegel was close, but too a priori
Watch me break down my dialectical story

Proletariat, bourgeoisie
Them versus us, you versus me
Slave, master, lord and serf
New class battles, same old turf

We have what we need to throw the chains off us
Organize the economy like the post office
The state takes over, but that’s not the whole plan
Watch it whither away and leave socialist man!

Our goal is true fairness, outcomes that are equal
Capitalism? OVER. Here’s a socialist sequel:
Revolution’s coming, prepare for the fight
Workers of the world, U-U-U-U-Unite!

MISES
Nothing is determined, You’re so fatalistic!
A grand theory of history?! Be realistic!
Your failed predictions? A distraction!
Here’s some questions that guide human action:

Where are we going, what’s the right course?
What will motivate us? Incentives or force?
Here’s what you miss from commanding heights:
Each person’s gifts and individual rights

Across every continent, culture and creed
People have flourished ONLY when freed
To find passion, profit, charity and love
Through the shake of a hand, not a boot from above

Socialism’s record isn’t hard to parse
First it was tragedy, now it’s a farce
Let’s unite people from every nation
In peace, exchange and cooperation