[Robert Foster]
Rap News is back today with an essential communiqué
To survey the Presidential charades errr... debates
As the people choose a candidate
To be the lesser of two evils to rule the planet
But before the ballot, there's a fact we should state
Unbeknownst to many, these actual debates
Are owned and regulated by the two parties in the race
To exclude tough questions and third parties from the slate
To rectify this slight on the democratic way of life
It is with great delight, humility, and frankly surprise
That I came to decide that I would be the host of the final debate tonight!
So with out further ado, let's get on with it:
In the red corner it's the Mormon, Governor Mitt Romney
In the blue, you can view President Obama on your screen
Let's begin with an easy one: the economy

[Mitt Romney]
We're left with a forty-seven percent deficit
I'll abolish education and health to fix it!

[Barack Obama]
Ahh... Listen, Mitt, I err... have to disagree
Aaaand you see... err... we actually need a taxing spree

[Robert Foster]
So neither of you see any sense in cutting
The humungous military defense budget
[Barack Obama]
Didn't you read my... uh... poster? FOR-WAR!

[Mitt Romney]
Hey, these ain't the questions we chose before...

[Robert Foster]
You mean these "pre-approved" questions? - what the..?!

[Mitt Romney]
Mormon help us, this is monstrous!

[Barack Obama]
Can't I get just one teleprompter!?

[Robert Foster]
Let's talk rule of law: what will be your policy?

[Barack Obama]
Well, folks, I have a drone
I have a drone that one day, I alone
Will have the right to assassinate anyone

[Mitt Romney]
That's the American drone!
I share that drone it includes all of us!
[Barack Obama]
I have a drone: no more habeas corpus;
And more powers to detain and resort to excessive force...

[Mitt Romney]
And declare war without approval of congress or courts
Of course, you're just copying what I believe in

[Barack Obama]
Don't let this...uh... war-is-peace prize deceive you!
I've bombed a whole heap a people to pieces
And my first term ain't even completed

[Robert Foster]
Ah, ok; Israel, will you cease backing its crime and abuses
Building settlements in Palestine, and...what are you doing?

[Mitt Romney]
I'll give Israel this many bombs to attack Iran

[Barack Obama]
I'll give more and nuke Afghanistan

[Robert Foster]
Is there anything you two don't agree on?
[Mitt Romney]
Yeah, the best colour for ties...

[Barack Obama]
Blue!

[Mitt Romney]
He's wrong!

[Barack Obama]
The best colour for wives... Or the number

[Mitt Romney]
The fact that Joseph Smith was a prophet

[Barack Obama]
Bullshit

[Robert Foster]
Do you think it's safe for humans to consume GMOs?

[Barack Obama]
Yes we cancer

[Robert Foster]
What about plans to close Gitmo?

[Barack Obama]
Yes we cancelled those

[Robert Foster]
And will you prosecute Wall Street?

[Barack Obama]
Yes we ca...

[Mitt Romney & Barack Obama]
Heck No!

[Robert Foster]
And with environmental and energy crises
How will you steer this ship through these high seas?

[Barack Obama]
Fracking? drilling the Arctic? that's our plan

[Mitt Romney]
...And build the keystone pipe from the tar sands

[Robert Foster]
Do you plan to expand the surveillance state?

[Mitt Romney]
Please, our opinions there don't deviate

[Barack Obama]
Ask us about jobs... for the sake of the race

[Mitt Romney]
- We've gotta have some illusion of a debate...
Ask us these questions, Robert, we can't handle this

[Barack Obama]
This is why we exclude third party candidates...

[Mitt Romney]
Please Robert...

[Barack Obama]
Robert....

[Mitt Romney]
Robert....

[Barack Obama]
Robert....

[Assistant]
Robert, Robert the debates are on

[Robert Foster]
Oh... just a dream... a wonderful dream... but it's gone
Ah, the debates, well, I guess I'd better switch them on...

[Jim Lehrer]
Gentlemen, welcome to you both ... let's start with jobs

[Elmo]
Jobs! Elmo make Americans return to working

[Cookie Monster]
Me allow wedding of Bert and Ernie
Mmm, blowjobs...

[Elmo]
That's against the Bible's teachings

[Cookie Monster]
Me born in Kenya... me not read this

[Jim Lehrer]
All right, I think we have another clear..

[Cookie Monster]
Yeah

[Jim Lehrer]
..Difference between the two of you

[Cookie Monster]
OK

[Jim Lehrer]
Now, let's move to Health Care where I know there is a clear difference...

[Elmo]
Elmocare will make you strong

[Cookie Monster]
OmonsterCare is good for money OM NOM NOM NOM
Old MacDonald has a Big Pharma Plan

[Elmo]
Elmo is happy for lots of people to die in pain

[Jim Lehrer]
Alright this is segment three, (aha) the economy entitlements

[Elmo]
Elmo's favourite number is forty seven!

[Cookie Monster]
Me like seven!

[Elmo]
Seven trillion!

[Cookie Monster]
Seven!

[Jim Lehrer]
You have two minutes

[Cookie Monster]
Seven

[Jim Lehrer]
Way over the two minutes

[Cookie Monster]
Aaaawww

[Elmo]
Over 9 thousand

[Narrator]
Who won?
Who cares
You decide!