Thank You. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. Thank you. Everyone, please have a seat. Have a seat.

Before I get started, can we get the new presidential set up out here? It has worked before. That is more like it.

It is great to be back. What a year, huh? I usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes. After my stellar 2013, what can I possibly talk about?

I admit it — last year was rough. Sheesh.

At one point, things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.

Of course, we rolled out Healthcare.gov. That could have gone better.

In 2008, my slogan was “Yes, we can.” In 2013, my slogan was “Control, alt, delete.”

On the plus side, they did turn the launch of Healthcare.gov into one of the year’ s biggest movies. But rather than dwell on the past, I would like to pivot to this dinner.

Let’s welcome our headliner this evening, Joel McHale. On “Community,” Joel plays a preening, self-obsessed narcissist, so this dinner must be a real change of pace for you. I want to thank the White House Correspondents Association for hosting us here tonight. I am happy to be here, even though I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia. The lengths we have to go to to get CNN coverage these days.

I think they are still searching for their tables.

MSNBC is here. They are a little overwhelmed. They’ve never seen an audience this big before.

Look, everyone is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast-changing media landscape. For example, I got a lot of grief on cable news for promoting Obamacare to young people on “Between Two Ferns.” But that’s what young people like to watch. And to be fair, I am not the first person on television between two potted plants.

Sometimes I do feel disrespected by you reporters. But that’s OK. Seattle Seahawks’ cornerback Richard Sherman is here tonight, and he gave me some great tips on how to handle it. Jake Tapper, don’t you ever talk about me like that! I am the best president in the game! What do you think, Richard, was that good? A little more feeling next time.
While we are talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story. An American won the Boston Marathon for the first time in 30 years. Which was inspiring and only fair since a Kenyan has been president for the last six. We have to even things out.

We have some other athletes here tonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist Jamie Anderson is here. We are proud of her. Incredibly talented young lady. Michelle and I watch the Olympics, we cannot believe what these folks do. Death-defying feats. We haven’t seen somebody pull a 180 that fast since Rand Paul disinvitied that Nevada rancher from this dinner.

As a general rule, things don’t end well if the sentence starts, “Let me tell you something I know about the negro.” You don’t really need to hear the rest of it. Just a tip for you. Don’ t start your sentence that way.

Speaking of Rand Paul, — Colorado legalized marijuana this year. An interesting social experiment. I do hope it doesn't lead to a whole lot of paranoid people who think that the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls. That would be a problem.

And speaking of conservative heroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight. But as usual they used a shadowy right-wing organization as a front. Hello, Fox News. I’m just kidding. Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.

A lot of us really are concerned about the way big money is influencing our politics. I remember when a super pack was just me buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars. Of course, now that it's 2014, Washington is obsessed on the midterms. Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow democrats don’t really want me campaigning with them. I don’t think that's true, although I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day and she invited Bill Clinton. I was a little hurt by that.

Both sides are doing whatever it takes to win. The ruthless game. Republicans — this is a true story. Republicans actually brought in a group of consultants to teach their candidates how to speak to women. This is true. I don’t know if it’ll work with women, but I understand America’s teenage boys are signing up to run for the Senate in droves.

Anyway, while you guys focus on the horse race, I’m going to do what I do. I going to be focused on everyday Americans. Just yesterday I read a heartbreaking letter. You know I get letters from folks around the country every day, I get 10 that I read. This one got to me. A Virginia man who’s been stuck in the same part-time job for years. No respect from his boss. No chance to get ahead. I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me. You can just pick up the phone, Eric.

And I'm feeling sorry, believe it and not, for the Speaker of the House as well. These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me. Which means orange really is the new black.

But I have not given up the idea of working with Congress. In fact, two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz and I, we got a bill done together and I have to say the signing ceremony was something special. We got a picture of it I think.

Look, I know. Washington seems more dysfunctional than ever. Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town, you have to wonder what we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad?

One issue, for example, we haven’t been able to agree on is unemployment insurance. Republicans continue to refuse to extend it. You know what, I am beginning to think they've got a point. If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else.

Of course there is one thing that keeps Republicans busy. They have tried more than 50 times to repeal Obamacare. Despite that, 8 million people signed up for healthcare in the first open enrollment. [Applause] Which does lead one to ask, how well does Obamacare have to work before you don’t want to repeal it? What if everybodys cholesterol drops to 120? What if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a Clippers’ game? Not the old Don Sterling Clippers, the new Oprah Clippers. Would that be enough? What if it gave Mitch McConnell a pulse? What is it going to take?
Anyway, this year I have promised to use more executive actions to get things done without Congress. My critics call this the imperial presidency. Truth is I just show up every day at my office and do my job. We got a picture of this, I think?

You would think they'd appreciate a more assertive approach, considering that the new conservative darling is non other than Vladimir Putin. Last year, Pat Buchanan said Putin’s headed straight for the Nobel Peace Prize. He said this. Now I know it sounds crazy but to be fair they give those to just about anybody these days. So it could happen.

But it’s not just Pat, Rudy Giuliani said, “Putin is what you would call a leader”. Mike Huckabee and Shawn Hannity keep talking about his bare chest, which is kind of weird. Look it up, they talk about it a lot.

It is strange to think that I have just two and a half years left in this office. Everywhere I look there are reminders that I only hold this job temporarily. But, it is a long time between now and 2016. And anything can happen. You may have heard the other day that Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference.

I love that picture.

Regardless of what happens, I’ve run my last campaign. I’m beginning to think about my legacy. Some of you know that Mayor Rahm Emanuel recently announced that he’s naming a high school after me in Chicago. I was even more flattered to hear that Rick Perry, who is here tonight, is doing the same thing in Texas. Take a look. Thank you, Rick. It means a lot to me.

I intend to enjoy all the free time that I will have. George W. Bush took up painting after he left office. It inspired me to take up own artistic side. I am sure we have a shot of this. Maybe not. The joke does not work without the slide. Oh well. Assume that it was funny. Does this happen to you Joel? It does, OK.

On a serious note, tonight reminds us that we are lucky to live in a country where reporters can give a head of state a hard time on a daily basis. And once a year give him or her the chance at least to return the favor. We also know that not every journalist or photographer or crew member is so fortunate. Even as we celebrate the free press tonight, our thoughts are with those in places around the globe like Ukraine and Afghanistan and Syria and Egypt. People who risk everything. In some cases even give their lives to report the news. And what tonight also reminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chance to ask a question.

As Steve mentioned, decades ago an African-American who wanted to cover his or her president might be barred from journalism school. Burdened by Jim Crow. And once in Washington banned from press conferences. After years of effort, black editors and publishers began meeting with FDR’s press secretary, Steve Irving. They met with the president himself, who declared that a black reporter would get a credential. Even when Harry McAlpin made history as the first African-American to attend a presidential news conference, he was not always welcomed by the other reporters. But he was welcomed by the president, who told him, “I’m glad to see you McAlpin.” I’m very happy to have you here.” Now that sentiment might have worn off once Harry asked him a question or two. And Harry’s battles continued, but he made history. We are so proud of Sherman and his family for being here tonight and the White House Correspondents Association for creating the scholarship in Harry’s name. [Applause] For over 100 years, even as the White House Correspondents Association has told the story of America’s progress, you’ve lived it too. Gradually allowing equal access to women, minorities, gays and Americans with disabilities. Yes, radio and television and Internet reporters as well. Through it all you’ve helped make sure that even as societies change, our fundamental commitment to the interaction between those who govern and those who ask questions doesn’t change. And as Jay will attest, it’s a legacy that you carry on enthusiastically every single day. Because this is the 100th anniversary of the Correspondents Association, I actually recorded an additional brief video thanking you for all your hard work. Can we run the video?

What is going on? I was told this would work. Does anybody know how to fix this? Thank you. Do you have it?

Kathleen Sebelius: I got this. I see it all the time. There. That should work.

Congratulations to the White House Correspondents. Here is to 100 more years.

Thank you very much, everybody.. Bless you.