Slim Chance and the Can't Hardly Playboys are pickin' at your local saloon
They got a new song out on Polish Records, it'll be a Polish hit real soon
They picked every honky-tonk and bar from here to Timbuktu
Slim Chance and the Can't Hardly Playboys are bustin' their butts for you

Out where the cars are up on blocks and the houses are on wheels
Slim and a big time bookin' agent, they cooked up a hell of a deal
They'd pick every Wal-Mart parkin' lot across the USA
If the Good Lord's willin' and the creek don't rise and they figure out how to get paid

No Chance was the only chance the Playboys ever had
No matter how they picked 'em, everything they played was bad
Then Slim come along and he played the songs that stick right in your head
Slim Chance and the Can't Hardly Playboys are really a-knockin' 'em dead

Esmeralda Muckinfuch was Slim's good timin' gal
She wasn't much to look at but Slim loved her anyhow
You couldn't beat her when she's sober, but you had to when she's drunk
We all called her the Country Kitty, 'cause she smelled just like a what in the world was that?

Slim Chance could be anyone who hangs out in a bar
Or any local yokel who sings and plays guitar
All the boys and girls around the world now they know who they are
Slim Chance is about the best chance that they got to be a star

Yesterday I couldn't even spell star, and now I are one
I say I ain't but a star I are
Do they not know who we think we are?
I'm tellin' ya we're gonna get 500 a gig or we ain't playin!
I think we need some of them w***es dejours
And some of them carrots and other things people get in back of the stage
We need some of them little sausages on toothpicks, maybe a dressing room (that'd be good)