[WONKA]
Our schedule has no room for intros, languid and rubato...
Accelerate right to the verse and play it molto presto and staccato!

(spoken)
Now let's get the small-talk out of the way

(sung)
What zigzag roads and fickle fates have led you to my chocolate gates?
I'm sure the stories would enthrall
But time is racing by us all
I'd love to rhyme a riddle or two
But there's so much time
So little to do!
So much time, so little to do?
Please strike that, reverse it!
I meant the other way!

It doesn't take a Sigmund Freud
To see I'm charmed and overjoyed
But pardon if I start to fret
We've not begun our journey yet!
No time to borrow or delay
What's here tomorrow's gone today!
What's here tomorrow's gone today?
Whoops strike that, reverse it!
My tongue has feet of clay!
You've bid the tasteless world adieu
To chew the goo awaiting you
But scurry, for the Wonka clock keeps ticking!

Inside these doors the floors are sweet
There's rugs and carpets you can eat
And best of all, the wallpaper needs licking!

This day of punctuality is scheduled
To the Nth degree,
I wish that there was time to share
My thoughts on makeup, clothes, and hair
Madam!

[MRS TEAVEE, spoken]
Yes?

[WONKA]
Your hair, your dress, your shoes are great!
You're dressed for 1958

[MRS TEAVEE, spoken]
I tried those little short shorts, but they kept riding up.​

[WONKA]
No, strike that, reverse it!
Let's get on with our day!
(spoken)
Gloops!

[MRS GLOOP, spoken]
Oh, mister Wonka, guten tag!

[WONKA, spoken]
Willkommen, Frau Gloop, delighted to meet you. And this must be little Augustus!

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
Hallo!

[MRS GLOOP, spoken]
He's my tiny little pickle!

[WONKA, spoken]
Pleased to meet you, Augustus, but I'm afraid I must confiscate your sausage

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
Oh, but that's my lunch!

[WONKA]
You may go first but lose the wurst!

[AUGUSTUS]
That's sad because I love 'em
[WONKA]
To lead our group, Augustus Gloop, for who could lose sight of him?

[ALL]
Yes who could lose sight of him!

[WONKA, spoken]
Salts!

[MR SALT, spoken]
Zdravstvujte, Oleg Salt from Novosibirsk. I run Salt Peanuts, Salt Cod, and Salt Mines

[WONKA, spoken]
That's a lotta salt. You should watch your blood pressure

[MR SALT, spoken]
And this is my wonderful daughter

[WONKA, spoken]
Dyspepsia...

[VERUCA, spoken]
Veruca.​

[WONKA, spoken]
Angina...

[VERUCA, spoken]
Veruca

[WONKA, spoken]
Diarrhea...

[VERUCA, spoken]
Veruca!

[WONKA, spoken]
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I was just checking your father's medical records. Oleg, entrenu, you really must take care of yourself

[VERUCA, spoken]
I'll take care of you, Wonka, if you don't focus on me!

[WONKA]
It's a pleasure, dear, to have you here
Where did you get that mink?

[VERUCA]
Are you for real?

[MR SALT]
It's baby seal that's clubbed then tickled pink

[ALL]
It's clubbed then tickled
Clubbed then tickled
Clubbed then tickled pink!

[WONKA
Beauregardes!

MR BEAUREGARDE, spoken]
Eugene Beauregarde! Here's my card

[WONKA, spoken]
I'll cherish it!

[MR BEAUREGARDE, spoken]
Smile!

[Camera flash.]

[VIOLET, spoken]
Instagram it, daddy!

[MR BEAUREGARDE, spoken]
And I guess you already know the Queen of Pop!

[WONKA, spoken]
Delighted to meet you, your majesty. What is it exactly that you do?

[VIOLET, spoken]
Do? I chew!

[WONKA, spoken]
Gesundheit

[VIOLET, spoken]
The same piece of gum for the last three years!

[MR BEAUREGARDE, spoken]
It's a jaw-popping world record! Why, she's got over 50, 000 Twitter followers, her own YouTube channel, and one day, we gon' open up a bubble-gum boutique in Beverly Hills!

[WONKA, spoken]
Well, congratulations. I must drop by. But you can't bring gum in here

[VIOLET, spoken]
Why not?

[WONKA, spoken]
Because, it's disgusting

[VIOLET]
Just let me in, I'm here to win!

[WONKA]
You like to beat your drum!
Your confidence is quite intense
But just don't jump the gum!

[ALL]
Don't jump
Don't jump
Just don't jump the gum!

[WONKA, spoken]
Next!

[MIKE, spoken]
Hey doofus, d'you have WiFi?

[WONKA, spoken]
I'll take that!

[MRS TEAVEE, spoken]
Ethel Teavee, and this is Mike Teavee, we should be on the list

[WONKA, spoken]
Ah, yes, Mike Teavee. The boy who hacked into my computers

(sung)
So, Mike the brain, you must explain
Just how you hacked the ticket?

[MIKE]
Shut up, old man!
I'm not a fan!
You know where you can stick it!

[ALL]
You can stick it!

[WONKA, spoken]
And there's no alcohol in my factory, I'm afraid

[MRS TEAVEE, spoken]
It's lemonade

[WONKA, spoken]
Mmhm
(drinks)
WOAH NELLY!

[MRS TEAVEE, spoken]
Homemade
You should visit my factory sometime

[WONKA]
It seems that I've left someone out
Who else is here, now give a shout!

[CHARLIE]
Uh, Mr. Wonka, I'm the last

[WONKA]
Is least the last to join our cast?

(spoken)
Name?

[JOE, spoken]
Joe Bucket, at your service!

[WONKA, spoken]
Delighted!

[JOE, spoken]
Actually-

[WONKA, spoken]
Enraptured!

[JOE, spoken]
Matter of fact-

[WONKA, spoken]
Fascinating! And you must be Charlie
Well, well, well. Charlie Bucket. The boy who waited to the very last moment to get his ticket. Don't leave it so late next time!

[CHARLIE, spoken]
But, I-

[WONKA]
Now, Messieurs Bucket, Salt, and Beauregarde, Madame Teavee and Schatzi Gloop
You're visitors in my backyard while shepherding this tiny troupe
And so I look to you to lead your future generations
I must insist you hear and heed my rules and regulations!

I'd love to lounge and lolly gag
And give each tongue the chance to wag
But I must get you all to sign this contract on the dotted line
There's no reprise, the way time flies to dot the T's and cross the I's!
Damn, strike that, reverse it!
Please ink without delay!

[MR SALT]
May I see the dossier?

[MR BEAUREGARDE]
And negotiate her pay?

[ALL]
Sir what does this contract say?

[WONKA]
Well...
The undersigned herein to forsight for
No frippery or force majeure
No property be touched or chewed or peddled!

[ALL]
What'd he say?

[WONKA]
De facto habeas corpus laws
For you a new grandfather's clause
Sign here, and here, and here, thank god that's settled!

[MRS. TEAVEE, spoken]
I'm confused!

[MRS. GLOOP, spoken]
What does he expect?

[MR. SALT, spoken]
This tempo is preposterous!

[KIDS, spoken]
Just sign!

[WONKA]
So now the time has come at last
To put the present in the past
It's time to take the golden tour
And taste the tempting treats du jour
The day is young the sun is high and so it's time to say goodbye!

[ALL]
Goodbye!?

[WONKA]
No, strike that, reverse it!
And next time I'll rehearse it
Get ready, set, on your marks, let's go!

[AUGUSTUS]
You're stupid!

[MIKE]
You stink!

[VERUCA]
I'm winning!

[VIOLET]
You think!

[CHARLIE]
Let's go!

[ALL]
On with the show!