[THE SQUIP]
Take your hands out of your pockets
Arch your back, puff out your chest
Add some swagger to your gait or
You'll look like a mas-tur-ba-tor
Fix your posture, then the rest

[JEREMY, spoken]
But I am a masturbator--

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
We'll fix that

(sung)
All your nerdiness is ugly

[JEREMY, spoken]
Nerd? I thought I was more of a geek, but--

[THE SQUIP]
All your stammering's a chore

[JEREMY, spoken]
Uh, sh- er, what?

[THE SQUIP]
Your tics and fidgets are persistent
And your charm is non-existent
Fix your vibe, then fix some more
[JEREMY]
Bu--

[THE SQUIP]
Buh

[JEREMY]
I--

[THE SQUIP]
Buh

[JEREMY]
Sh--

[THE SQUIP]
No

[JEREMY]
Wait--

[THE SQUIP]
Stop

Oh, everything about you is so terrible
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die
[JEREMY, spoken]
Jesus Christ...

[THE SQUIP]
So don't freak out
And don't resist
And have no doubt
If I assist
You will
Be more chill

First thing's first, go buy a new shirt

[JEREMY, spoken]
What?! What's wrong with my shirt--

[THE SQUIP]
Shh, it's better if you just comply
My job's to color your aesthetic
And make you seem much less pathetic
Just step and fetch, don't ask me why

[JEREMY, spoken]
How are you with math homework?

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
I'm a super-computer, Jeremy. I'm made of math
(sung)
Oh, everything about you is so terrible

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP]
Whoa, everything about you makes me wanna die

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Everything about you sucks!
Everything about you sucks!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
All the people in the mall
Think you are such a slob

[PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
You're a slob!
Terrible!
Such a slob!

[THE SQUIP & PEOPLE IN THE MALL]
Oh, boy

[THE SQUIP]
Can I see why!

(spoken)
Now you, try picking a shirt
That's a girl's shirt

[CHLOE, spoken]
...Jerry?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Erm, Jeremy

[CHLOE, spoken]
You shop here?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, yeah all the time--

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Never

[JEREMY, spoken]
Never. Is what I meant to...

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Greet the beta

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh. Hey, Brooke

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
"You look sexy."

[JEREMY, spoken]
I can't say that to a hot girl!

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Don't smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don't care about your own death

[JEREMY, spoken]
Lookin' pretty sexy, Brooke

[BROOKE, spoken]
Thanks

[CHLOE, spoken]
Is that a girl's shirt?

[JEREMY, spoken]
No

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
"Yes."

[JEREMY, spoken]
Yes

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Repeat after me:

(sung)
I saw it in the window

[JEREMY]
I saw it in the window

[THE SQUIP]
And I couldn't dismiss

[JEREMY]
And I couldn't dismiss

[THE SQUIP]
I was dating a girl and

[JEREMY]
I was dating a girl and

[THE SQUIP]
She had a shirt just like this

[JEREMY]
She had a shirt just like this

[THE SQUIP]
It's still painful

[JEREMY]
It's still painful

[CHLOE, spoken]
So, who was this mystery girl?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Oh, you've probably never heard of her, so--

[THE SQUIP]
Madeline

[JEREMY]
Madeline

[CHLOE, spoken]
What?

[JEREMY]
She's French

[CHLOE, spoken]
Ugh! She is NOT French! She just pretends to be for attention!

[BROOKE, spoken]
Madeline broke up with you?

[JEREMY, spoken]
Yeah...

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
No

[JEREMY, spoken]
I mean--

[THE SQUIP]
I broke up with her

[JEREMY]
I broke up with her

[THE SQUIP]
'Cause she was
Cheating on me

[JEREMY (overselling it)]
'Cause she was
Cheating on me

[THE SQUIP, spoken]
Hey, Hamlet. Be more chill