[Intro: Dan Avidan]
Yo Ninja Brian, you see that high schooler over there getting pushed around?
This looks like a job for the Cool Patrol!

[Verse 1: Dan Avidan]
Hey kid! (yo!) You're getting picked on in school
The other boys! (huh!) They say you just ain't cool
Well, that's bullshit! (yeah!) We're gonna teach you the rules
Those motherfuckers ain't gonna bother you no more
We are the bad boys (oh!) from the tough side of town
We are the Cool Patrol (whoo!) we'll turn your life around
Those bullies (aw, shit) their ass is done for now
We're gonna show you how! So fuckin' listen y'all! First

[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
You put your hands in the air
And you jump off the ground
And then you take that funky butt and you shake it all around
And lightly jog in place and then crank it up to a prance
This is the Cool Patrol Dance

[Post-Chorus: Dan Avidan]
Now put your hands in your pockets
And take them right back out
Then spin around in a circle and make an animal sound (moo)
Then glide into the sprinkler like you're gonna water the plants
This is the Cool Patrol Dance
Whee!
[Interlude: Dan Avidan, Seán McLoughlin]
You get all that kid?
That wasn't actually very helpful...
That was just like an instructional dance...
Hell yeah!

[Verse 2: Dan Avidan]
Motherfuckin' bullies better watch their ass
You're sending all them shits a message there's a new king in class
When they see you they're gonna freak out and piss their pants
They are your bitches! They are your bitches because

[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
You put your hands in the air
And then stick out your rear end
And then you wiggle it real hard and you hug your closest friend
And then you wildly remove your clothes and tearaway pants
This is the Cool Patrol Dance

[Post-Chorus: Dan Avidan]
Now rub the peanut butter on you
From your head to your feet
And cover up your nudity with different cheeses and meats
Then slap a camel because this could be your only chance
This is the Cool Patrol Dance
[Bridge: Dan Avidan]
Cool break!
Alright
This is cool
'Scuse me
Hey I have an idea!
Let's kick it!
Whoo!

[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
You put your hands in the air
And grab a bird from the sky
And eat it whole so that you may absorb its power of flight
Now you can also dive bomb fish because your vision's enhanced
This is the Cool Patrol Dance

[Post-Chorus: Dan Avidan]
You're basically a superhero now
So throw some cars
Then rub your magnum thighs together and set fire to Mars
Now harness all your sexy fury in a victory stance
This is the Cool Patrol Dance!

[Outro: Dan Avidan, Seán McLoughlin]
Your training is complete, now go show those fuckers who's boss!
Okay! Hey guys, listen up... You put your hands in the a-
Oh god! Aw he might.. he might actually be dead