[Intro: Dan Avidan]
Sometimes, I wish
I was even more awesome
Than I already am
What would my life be like
If I turned that shit up to eleven
Out of a possible five?
Ninja Brian, hand me my cloak
And my staff, and my horn
And that thermos of soup
I'm hungry but also thirsty
And you can kind of like eat and drink soup at the same time--
Let's go! Woo!

[Verse 1: Dan Avidan]
Riding straight out of your imagination
Using my magic to fight against crime
Destroying evil with powers most awesome
Protecting the weak almost all of the time
But not on Sundays, Game of Thrones is on
Now is the time for a man of conviction
The world needs a hero and I am that guy

[Interlude 1: Dan Avidan & Kristen Acimovic]
Look! Who is that masked man?
That's Ninja Brian but shut up about him
Let's focus on me, because
[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
I am the Unicorn Wizard
Riding for justice on a comet of stars
With the help of my sidekick, Princess Handjob
I'm more awesome and smarter than I already are
I am the Unicorn Wizard
My spells are amazing and my reflexes quick
My horn is my strength and my strength is my power
And my power is my horn and my horn is my dick

[Interlude 2: Dan Avidan]
Here's your opportunity to stop listening
If this song got too amazing for you
No? OK

[Verse 2: Dan Avidan]
My life is a party, the guests are supermodels
Operation: I Rule is a total success
Each day, I invent a new form of karate
That changes the way that Japan views the West
Now that's progress! Douitashimashite!
Then, we retire to the Chamber of Passion
And bathe in pool of strawberries and cream
The strawberries rub and exfoliate gently
The cream travels places you can't even dream
[Interlude 3: Dan Avidan & Kristen Acimovic]
Ugh, I think I just dreamed it
How was it? Amazing?
Uhh
You mean Uhh-stounding? Yeah, you did

[Chorus: Dan Avidan]
I am the Unicorn Wizard
Just like Danny Sexbang, I'm handsome and strong
With the help of my hellhounds, Tinkles and Gary
We punish the wicked then break into song
I am the Unicorn Wizard
A superhero for the entire human race
My wand casts a spell that will unlock the door
And the wand is my junk and the door is your face

[Outro: Dan Avidan & Rachel Bitney Wecht]
Danny, Danny, wake up!
Oh, oh, oh hey, mom. I had the craziest dream!
I was the Unicorn Wizard!
Awww, shut up
Unicorn Wizard!
I said "Shut up"
You shut up