[Narrator] Somewhere deep in the slow, eternal dance of the heavens drifts a planet called simply "Earth"
And among the otherwise unremarkable population of this planet are two incredible heroes, destined to save the future from itself

[Danny Sexbang] Hey Ninja Brian, I made a time machine spaceship. You... wanna go on it?
[Ninja Brian] ...
[Dan] Yeah, okay cool

Soaring through the galaxy, the stars and sky align
The speed of light's for pussies; we're going at thе speed of Brian
Flying towards the sexual peak of history and timе
Computer, set a sexy course for the sexiest year
(UHN!)

Sixty-nine
Sixty-nine
(Sixty-nine) I've got my space suit
(Sixty-nine) And ninety pounds of space lube

Crossing through into a fuckin' worm hole beyond the Milky Way
That shit's far
To a time on Earth so far into the future where everyone gets laid
Twice as hard
We're noble knights of honor on a fierce and sultry butt crusade
Here we are!

Open the bay doors and let's live the dream
Give the world a double team
I bet it's a billion person orgy in an ocean of whipped cream
Wait, this place isn't sexy at all!
And this robot sign says human touch has been outlawed

I can't believe my eyes, but it's a world without sex
Everyone here just wears full length pants and loose fitting turtlenecks
Men and women wave to each other from a respectable distance
Without the thrill of boning, what is life?
We must speak to the Council of Dick Elders tonight

[Dan] Excuse me, Dick Elders?
[Dick Elder Michael Starr] What do you want?
[Dan] I know it's most unusual to come before you so
But the planet Earth sucks balls now that no one's allowed to bone
We've come from the past to introduce you to ass
[Dick Elder] Wait! You're Ninja Sex Party! You will ruin our plans!
Guards! Sound the alarms!
If people have sex, they’ll break our thousand-year spell
There will be a revolution, and they'll think for themselves
We control this planet of unsatisfied wood
Why does being evil always feel so damn good?

[Dan] Fuck that bullshit, we'll make it right
Get ready for a sexy fight
My dick's the spark of hope and a revolution shall ignite (tonight)
We're taking flight, we have to find a girl
[Dick Elder] Shoot the fucking lasers!
Shoot the fucking lasers at 'em!
[Dan] Show her what it means to love, and fix this broken world
[Dick Elder] All the fuckin lasers!
All the fuckin lasers at 'em!
[Dan] A new sex king will rule; let the boner banners be unfurled
[Dan] Ninja Brian, look at that girl with the sad eyes and the beautiful blonde hair. I'm immediately in love!

(Sixty-nine) She spent her life all alone
(Sixty-nine) Wanna take her to the bone zone
(Sixty-nine) Make her feel the pleasure
(Sixty-nine) Of my naughty treasures

I can't believe my eyes, but you're the girl of my dreams
Let's both tear all of our clothes off like two pants-hating wolverines
The love we make will save the Earth from this oppressive dick regime

We're having sex now
To change the world!
You brought three friends now
Oh shit, they're girls!

I think it's obvious that people liked our sexy show
Multi-billion person orgy has broken out all across the globe
The human race, much like my junk, will now be free to grow

But what about the Elders?
We tore their world to shreds
Maybe they'll be cool with it
Oh hey, Dick Elders! How's it goin'?

[Dick Elder] You two are fucking dead!
[Dan] So much for that, it's time to put on pants
And run away from their Death Army which is starting to advance
[Dick Elder] Shoot the fuckin' lasers!
Way more fuckin' lasers at 'em!
[Dan] We can't die, we are way too young
And there are so many girls to ball
[Dick Elder] Shoot the fuckin' lasers!
Way more fuckin' lasers at 'em!
[Dan] But now we're cornered with our backs against the wall!

[Dick Elder] It's over, Danny Sexbang! Your time has come!
But first, we're gonna take care of your ninja friend, here!
(Slash) Aaaaaaahhhhh!
[Dan] Goddamn, Brian, you killed them all
Now the empire will fall
I have to say in retrospect that was easier than I thought!
Oh yeah!

Our work here's done, the future is secure
But my girl and I have one last farewell slam just to be sure
For underneath those rockin' boobs lies a heart that is so pure
Take care of this world for me, my darling, I will always love you
...What is your name by the way? Kristen? Ah, a beautiful name
Until that glorious day when we meet again, Katie, farewell!

Now let us fly into the night sky
And we'll raise a glass to ass in a final goodbye
To sixty-nine, sixty-nine
Sixty-nine sixty-nine
(Sixty-nine) Let us be gone
(Sixty-nine) Our quest is life-long
(Sixty-nine) It's a sexy destiny so lets rock the fuck on

Fuck yeah
Fuck yeah

Chimes fade out