( *trumpet playing off-key notes* )
Put that ol' dumb horn down
Show this boy what some real music 'posed to sound like
( *drums and horns set in* )
( *Jazzy Jeff starts scratching* )
(Don't stop the rock)
Now that's a record!
Now that's a record!
Go Jazzy, go Jazzy, go
I want to be remembered for the songs that I sing
Not only for the humor, but for the knowledge I bring
To broaden the horizons of others is why I rap this
Enlightening minds with my lyrical tactics
In life everything ain't always what it seems
But people are enchanted by things that gleam
You know, bright fancy cars, big yachts and mansions
On the beaches of Aruba with a girlie romancin
Now I'm about to tell you a very interesting fable
More fun than when you first got cable
The moral to be learned from this story to be told
Is that everything that glitters ain't always gold
On July 11th I was sittin at home
Talkin to my girlfriend Geena on the telephone
Flippin through the newspaper checkin the news
When I saw an advertisement for a Carribean cruise
It said, 'Sunny skies and romantic nights
On an incredible ship' - and I got hype
It said it's like the _Love Boat_, baskin in the sun
Promisin fun for you and for everyone
I said, "That's dope! Baby, you're down?"
She said, "Yeah, we could leave right now!"
The very next day I put the check in the mail
And one week later we were ready to sail
The brochure said that the boat was large
But it was nothin but a broken-down barnacle barge!
And if it wasn't for my girlfriend, I wouldn'ta went
Because the captain was a cross-eyed hunchback with a limp
The cruise was paid for and the food was free
So I said what the hell and set out to sea
It didn't take long to notice something was wrong
The ship was a mess and we were the only ones on it
I didn't wanna panic, so I chilled for a while
Till the captain pulled up to what we thought was a deserted isle
We looked on to the beach and almost went bezerk
We saw 300 natives with spears and grass skirts!
The said, "Hung-a-dung-a-digi-dung-da-doa"
I said, "Hey baby, I guess that means get off the boat"
Their chief said they needed a human sacrifice
I said, "Well, just take my girl - he-he - syke"
I was jokin, but things got serious
Their leader came out and he was curious
He got in my face and his breath was the worst
I said, "Hey baby, you got some mints in your purse?"
His breath was stinkin with filthy brown teeth
And two big crusty ashy hairy feet
The worst thing, he had no toenails on his toes
And a big Pterodactyl bird bone in his nose
I tried to reason with him, he wasn't with it
He said, "Tenga-shanko," that meant 'forget it'
He said, "Gunga-shang-tang-da-bong-da-boo"
That meant 'tonight we're having Fresh Prince stew'
Then I saw it - no, it's not
The big Indiana Jones people cooking pot!
I wanted to fight em, but there was no way to beat em
I thought to myself, 'Where's Tarzan when you need him?'
Just as they were contemplatin cookin us up
We had a major struck of luck, a Navy ship pulled up
The troops came off and they got us out of the pot
And I said to the chief, "Yo, I get witcha, hops!"
The guy that rescued us said, "I hate to tell you
The captain of your ship, he had just escaped from Bellevue
We've been following him and finally we caught him
We're sorry, there's no way that you can possibly get a refund"
A thousand dollars and a weekend down the drain
But a lesson well learned, so let me explain
There's a very important message that needs to be told
It's that everything that glitters ain't always gold