[Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out]
Cartman: Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...
Kyle: What is this, Cartman?
Cartman: They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.
Stan: Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?
Cartman: Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday...
Kyle: Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever.
Cartman: That's right.
Stan: Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass, too.
Cartman: That's ri-aayy.
Pip: Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.
Cartman: [darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember! [Pip smiles hopefully] I shoved it up my ass! [Pip's hopes are dashed] Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap! [moves on] Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...
Mr. Garrison: [excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day.
Cartman: No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.
Mr. Garrison: I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.
Cartman: Eeeeeeh!
Mr. Garrison: Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid] uh-uh, what's your name again?
New kid: Damien! [dark music plays: Rectus...dominus... His eyes show flaming, crackling pupils]
Mr. Garrison: Say 'hi' to Damien! [silence] And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama. [Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside]
Damien: My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father! [... rectus... cheesy poofs... ]
Mr. Garrison: Your father?
Damien: The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era. [Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman] Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...
Cartman: Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?
Damien: Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
Cartman: Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder? [Rectus... dominus... Damien turns to him and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps Cartman onto the floor] Byah. Oof! [the desk goes out the window. The class sits up]
Stan: Whoa, dude! [sancti... ]
Kyle: Damn, what a freak!
Cartman: [getting up] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk! [cheesy poofs... ]
Damien: Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.
Mr. Garrison: Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes? [he blinks]
Cartman: Eheh. You got in trouble, you got in trouble.
[The cafeteria: the boys already have their lunches]
Stan: Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?
Kyle: Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.
Cartman: Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.
Stan: Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Kyle: Yeah, that's weak!
Cartman: Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?
Stan: Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want. [crumples up the invitation and throws it away]
Cartman: Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mon's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
Stan: Oh great, Green Mega Man it is. [food wins out over principle]
Cartman: Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is. [Damien arrives]
Stan: Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?
Cartman: Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!
Damien: Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
Kyle: You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table! [Damien walks off]
Cartman: Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two. [Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him] Eeyy!
Pip: [As Damien approaches] Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.
Damien: Then I will call you Pip.
Pip: Right-o.
Stan: Hey new kid! [Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him] Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.
Kenny: (Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)
Damien: That does it! Woo-paah [points his index fingers at Kenny. ... rectus... dominus... Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence]
Stan: What the... ?
Kyle: Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
Stan: A what?
Kenny: Quack-quack.
Cartman: Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butthole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!
Chef: [coming up behind them] Hello there, children.
Stan: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.
Chef: Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song:
We're all special in our own way
Everybody's different, but that's okay
'Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin
Different points of view, be tall or thin
It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin
[a psychedelic scene appears behind him]
With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been
[he stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile]
Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...
[he floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria]
What were we talking about again?
Kyle: The new kid.
Damien: [standing on a table] Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all! [Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks... ]
Stan: Whoa!
Chef: Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker! [... footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles... ]
Kyle: We told you, dude. [Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.]
Chef: We've got to do something, children! [Mr. Hankey flies by, then K. C., then a cow (think Twister)]
Damien: Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus! [... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus... ]
Stan, Kyle: Jesus?
[The set of Jesus and Pals. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in]
Roland: Two minutes to air, Jesus.
Jesus: Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash in]
Stan: Jesus, Jesus!
Jesus: Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.
Stan: Nono. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.
Kyle: Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.
Kenny: Quack-quack.
Jesus: Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Stan: This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you.
Jesus: The Dark Prince?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Yeah.
Jesus: So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.
Stan: [to Kyle] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.
Jesus: Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
Kyle: ... K.
[School playground]
Groundskeeper: Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!
[Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and a third student who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A fourth kid joins them later]
Cartman: Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Choopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money... [a footbal lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends a redhead into another student as Bebe looks on. Rectus... dominus... sancti... ]
Redhead: Aaaaa Bebe!
Bebe: Our slide!
Damien: Feel my wrath! [sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off K. C. and the black kid]
Pip: [as Damien torches the hobby elephants] Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.
Damien: I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan! [torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off]
Pip: Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely. [... rectus... cheesy poofs... ]
Jesus: Damien!
Damien: Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
Jesus: So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!
Damien: Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.
Jesus: Let him come then. I shall stop him!
Damien: Behold! He is already upon us! [clouds close in on the sun]
Kyle: Ohh, dude!
Satan: Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus. [another whirlwind comes up]
Jimbo: What the hell's going on here? [a crowd gathers]
Priest: Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
Blonde: What's happening?
Chef: Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you! [Garrison leans onto him] Not you, dammit!
Satan: Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Damien: Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!
Jesus: Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!
Jimbo: Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie! [the crowd breaks up]
Stan: You're gonna fight Satan?
Jesus: This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.
Commercial
Who will win our souls? [an hourglass spins on a horizontal axis]. Our Savior and Lord? [Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness] Or the Prince of Darkness? [A red demon looms over several fleeing people] It's the final battle between Good and Evil [A black figure and a white one bump heads] and it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95
[Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial]
Cartman: Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!
Kenny: Quack-quack.
Stan: [to Kyle] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?
Cartman: Cartman's birthday!
Kyle: We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!
Cartman: You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.
Stan: Well, come on. We we have to at least see the weigh-in.
Cartman: Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!
[Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too]
Priest: When is Satan gonna show up? [the boys rush up]
Stan: Did the Devil show up yet?
Jesus: Not yet.
Kyle: Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?
Jesus: ... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?
Cartman: Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.
Jesus: Oh.
Jimbo: We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince. [the crowd cheers]
Jesus: Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.
Priest: You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus. [More cheering. A pillar of fire appears. Rectus... dominus... ]
Jesus: Behold. The Evil One approaches.
Satan: Yeah. [He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size]
Mr. Garrison: Holy poop on a stick!
Satan: Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!
Stan: Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.
Jimbo: Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!
Satan: Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!
Jesus: Oh - oh yeah??
Man in crowd: Damn.
Satan: I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
Jesus: Oh yeah?? [A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it]
Announcer: Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz. [the crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on] Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz. [the crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment]
Chef: Ooh crap.
Jesus: Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.
Satan: Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world. [the clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away]
Jimbo: [holding his ticket up] Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
Priest: Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck. [The crowd breaks up.]
[The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races]
Man 1: Change my bet!
Man 2: I'm betting on the Devil!
Jimbo: I wanna change my bet to Satan.
Ned: Me, too.
Mr. Garrison: Wai-wa I was here first.
[South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in]
Mr. Mackey: Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, mkay?
Damien: Everybody hates me!
Mr. Mackey: Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey: Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?
Damien: Because I... burn them and kill them?
Mr. Mackey: Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. Nde no no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. Yeeu be passive, mkay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.
[The playground. Bebe, K. C., the other blonde girl, and Clyde surround Pip]
Clyde: I bet I can spit the most on him. [spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder]
Bebe: Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair. [spits, and it lands on his right eye]
Pip: Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
Stan: Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'
Cartman: [Sees Damien coming] Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
Damien: I a - pologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice. [a sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien]
Cartman: [farts and moves away] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! [Damien is angry, but restrains himself]
Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
Kyle: Yeah. We're gonna call you Fartboy from now on.
Stan: Bubye, Fartboy.
Kyle: See ya.
Pip: Good day, Damien. How are you?
Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me-
Pip: Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
[Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters]
Jesus: Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-
Chef: Oh ooh. [a woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing]
Jesus: I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning. [Two men at the bar look at each other] In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!
Priest: You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!
Jesus: Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
Priest: Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
Jesus: I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.
Priest: Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.
Jimbo: Yeah.
Priest: Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later. [Jesus turns and walks out] What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, crazy. [Two men that look like Bill and Fosse chortle behind him]
Man 3: He's so gay.
Man 4: Yeah. [The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more.]
Jesus: You're all a bunch of Judases!
[Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny]
Stan: Hey, Jesus.
Jesus: What are you doing out so late, kids?
Kyle: We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.
Jesus: Oh. Kids, yeyou believe I can beat Satan, right?
Stan: Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.
Kyle: Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?
Jesus: No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?
[Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present]
Reporter 1: Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?
Satan: I will crush him like a little bug!
Reporter 2: Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War? [Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth]
Don King: Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.
[A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters]
Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?
Stan: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus: No way, dude!
Chef: [in the ring] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
Stan: But you're his sparring partner, Chef.
Kyle: Yeah, you have to hit him.
Jesus: Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.
Chef: Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
Jesus: Give it your best sho- [poof] Oh! [falls back to the floor]
Chef: Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
Jesus: Anybody get the number of that truck? [drops his head]
[Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard]
Liane: Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
Cartman: [greeting children as they come in with their presents] Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.
Chef: Yup! Here's your present, children. [hands Cartman his gift] Well, uhnice party. Uh, see ya later.
Kyle: Hey, you just got here, Chef!
Chef: I know, but the fight is starting.
Stan: Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
Mrs Cartman: [turning to see what Stan said, and sees Chef] Mmmmm.
Chef: Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
[On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit]
Damien: I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
Pip: Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.
Damien: The other kids have always hated you?
Pip: Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me. [Damien gets an idea]
[South Park Forum]
Michael Buffer: In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! [the crowd cheers] And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub! [the crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away] Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!
Referee: Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles. [the bell rings]
[Cartman's birthday party. A carnie does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow]
Cartman: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?
Stan: Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.
Kyle: And neither were you, Pip!
Pip: Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-
Damien: Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party. [His eye flare up again. Rectus... dominus... Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up.]
Pip: [Small demons grab him. ... sancti... cheesy poofs... ] Aaaa! [He is launched like a rocket] Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee! [He gives off fireworks]
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: Whoa, that was cool! [The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud]
Kyle: Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.
Cartman: Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased]
[South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place]
Satan: Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!
[Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents]
Cartman: Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves] And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.[she leaves] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS? [thumps the table in anger]
Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
Cartman: YOU SON OF A BITCH! [lunges towards Kyle]
Kyle: [as he is pinned by Cartman] Aaaaa!
Cartman: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! [slapping him around by now]
Kyle: They were all out of 'em dude!
Cartman: I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!!
Kyle: [At the same time] Aaaaaaaa!
Cartman: [getting up and moving towards the center of the yard] That's it! Party is over! [the kids look glum] Everybody go home! [he turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away] GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT! [Stan and Kyle stop]
Stan: Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!
Cartman: Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you! [Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house]
Damien: Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
Stan: Aaanh, he does this all the time.
Chef: Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!
Pip: [descending] Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.
[South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.]
Jesus: Oh! [backs up helplessly]
Satan: Fight, dammit! [gives him another right to the face]
Jesus: Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh! [throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye]
Stan: [as he, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner] Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [the round ends] You've got to fight, Jesus.
Jesus: Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.
Kyle: Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you.
Jesus: It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.
Stan: Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Mancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. [Kyle looks at him] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!
Kyle: Uuuuh. Stan?
Stan: Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
Kyle: Stan.
Stan: She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
Kyle: Stan!
Stan: [turning to Kyle] What?
Kyle: Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.
Stan: [thinks a moment] ... Really?
Kyle: Yeah, dude!
Stan: Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks. [Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him] You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'
Jesus: ... Who said that?
Stan: You did, Jesus. [Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan]
Jesus: You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys! [gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo]
Kyle: Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
Kyle: Hmmm.
Satan: [Satan takes a couple of swing at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them] Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!
Jesus: Okay, pal. You asked for it! [The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief]
Satan: [protecting his ribs] Ooooooh, you got me. [drops flat on his back]
Referee: One... Two... Three...
Jimbo: No way! He barely touched him!
Referee: ... Seven... Eight [Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again.]... Nine... Ten. You're out! [The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory]
Stan, Kyle: Our Savior!
Michael Buffer: The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! [Satan pops right back up]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!
Jimbo: Yeah!
Satan: Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win? [The crowd wonders] Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA! [dances out of the ring]
Priest: I don't believe this!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
Satan: [now on the Forum floor] Farewell, fools!
Jimbo: Man, that guy is a jerk. [Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring]
Stan: [over the microphone] Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.
Mr. Garrison: Boy, did we get screwed.
Chef: Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
Jesus: Aw heck. [puts his halo back on] Do I have a choice? [The crowd cheers with relief]
Jimbo: Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus! [Kenny is highlighted] Ih-it's comin' right for us! [pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.]
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard!
Damien: Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you. [rats swarm all over Kenny's head]
Stan: You're leaving already?
Damien: I have to. My dad's always on the move. [the rats leave also]
Stan: Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle: Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?
[Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though]
Liane: More pie, hon?
Cartman: Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.