[South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings]

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
N'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know
it can sometimes be difficult to talk
about subjects like drugs and sex and
alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember,
last week I told you to write down any
difficult questions you had and put
them in this box anonymously so we could
discuss in class, m'kay? I got a lot
o' responses, so let's read some aloud.
"Mr. Mackey is gay." Okay kids, that
is not funny! Unkay?! This box is supposed
to be used for serious questions! About,
about serious issues! M'kay, let's let's
stop the tomfoolery! M'kay, this looks
like a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey,
you are gay." All right, all right.
That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down
and try to be mature, 'kay? Uh here
we go. Okay, "Mr. Mackey, sometimes
my parents hit me, and you are gay."
Damnit, is there not one serious question
in here?! "Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey
is gay" Okay, here. I am a boy at
South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when
I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes
hard for no reason. What should I do?
All right kids, all right kids, that's
enough! If you all can't be serious
about the question box, then we'll
just do drug identification exercises,
unkay?!
CLASS:
Awwwww!

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come
up here and write down the names of
two narcotics?

JIMMY:
Uh no, that that's okay, Mr. Mackey.


COUNSELOR MACKEY:
Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling
you!

JIMMY:
Uhhh, just uh uh ahh not right this
second, Mr. Mackey.

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
Well why the hell not?!

JIMMY:
Uh...
COUNSELOR MACKEY:
He's what... Oh, you do? R r right now,
right now it is? on'kay, on'kay. Don't
worry, Jimmy. N'kay, uhhh, let's pick
someone else, um. Eric, why don't you
come up here?

CARTMAN:
Hey, that's bullcrap?! How come Jimmy
doesn't have to do it?!

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching
a tent right now.

STAN:
He's what??

[South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a
poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves.]


STAN:
A hundred dollar gift certificate to
South Park Mall? Maybe we should do
the talent show.
KYLE:
Well, what's the point? Jimmy always
wins with his stand-up comedy.

JIMMY:
Hey fellas.

STAN:
Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving
away a hundred dollar first prize for
the talent show.

JIMMY:
Oh I sure have. I've been working on
my ruh... ruh,,, routine all year long


KYLE:
I don't know how you do it, dude. How
do you get up in front of that many
people?

JIMMY:
Well fellas, entertainment is my life.
I love being in front of everyone.
Aaah!

KYLE:
Huh wuh, what's the matter?

JIMMY:
I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas.
Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh,
cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please.

CRAIG:
It's occupied.

CARTMAN:
No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.

BUTTERS:
Hehey Jimmy! M'boy, did you see that
first prize for the talent show? Why
you must be excited! You'll probably
win like always.

JIMMY:
Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL escited...
for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's
wrong with me?

BUTTERS:
Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?!
How about a courtesy flush?!

CARTMAN:
Up yours, Butters.

[Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs.
His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a
newspaper]

SARAH:
Hey Jimmy, how was school?

JIMMY:
Fine, Mom.

RYAN:
Jimmy, we understand you're getting
erections in the classroom.

JIMMY:
What? Uh who told you that?

RYAN:
Mr. Mackey, your counselor.

JIMMY:
Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!

RYAN:
Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed
of. But we know it's something you might
have a hard time talking about. Get
it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's
advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help
us all talk about this.

JIMMY:
Dz-n-Doctor Pal?

DOCTOR PAL:
Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because
I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal.
Are we cool?

JIMMY:
Uh, sure?

DOCTOR PAL:
A lot of times parents call me in because
I can relate to younger kids. I'm I'm
down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand
you have some concerns about erections.
"Oops, can't say erection in front
of the parents right. Oh God, I feel
so weird" huh?

JIMMY:
Well, a little, yes.

DOCTOR PAL:
Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random
erections. Almost every boy goes through
a phase where his penis becomes hard...
for no particular reason. It's just
part of grwoing up. Growing up? Growing
out is more like it.

JIMMY:
But I have to make it stop! The talent
show is this F-Friday.

DOCTOR PAL:
Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't
you skidaddle for a tick and let us
hipsters talk in privo.

RYAN:
A-all right, come on, honey.

DOCTOR PAL:
Jimmy, as you get older your body goes
through a lot of changes. Certain hormones
start to release as your whole reproductive
system begins to awaken, and so, if
you like, we can take off our shirts
and kiss.

JIMMY:
Ke...c-come again?

DOCTOR PAL:
Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that
set you off on a different tangent,
got you thinkin' a different way. That's
what Doctor Pal is here to do. Unless,
of course, you think we should take
off our shirts and kiss.

JIMMY:
N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt
and kiss

DOCTOR PAL:
Well then to hell with you, kid. You
can just deal with your problems on
your own.

[Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream]


ANNOUNCER:
Next up for the talent show, put your
hands together for the incredibly talented
Jimmy Valmer!

JIMMY:
Wow, what a what a great audience. So
apparently Martha Stewart is out of
jail. Have you have you heard about
this, have you seen this? She's very
excited to get started on her new show,
"Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic
ankle bracelet." So it looks like the
Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope.
Have you seen this, have you heard about
this? A-a-apparently they're going
to call him New Pope, a-and refer to
John Paul as P-Pope Classic. Uh,..
so it so it looks like Michael Jackson
is having back problem in court. You
know... huh... you uh you know what
they say about b-b-b-b-back problems.
Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience.
What a fantastic audience.

MRS. GARRISON:
Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing
with you, we're laughing AT you.


JIMMY:
Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh!

[Butters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the
garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches]


BUTTERS:
Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu
Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's
get together, I know what we can do,
Lu Lu.

JIMMY:
Butters!

BUTTERS:
Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. I'm just practicin'
for the talent show.

JIMMY:
Butters, ah I really need to talk to
somebody, and I think maybe you're the
only person who won't make f-f-fun of
me.

BUTTERS:
Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody
with a problem.

JIMMY:
Butters, do you know what you're supposed
to do when your penis gets hard?

BUTTERS:
Well sure I do.

JIMMY:
Really??

BUTTERS:
Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should
have a little talk. You see, Jimmy,
when a man's penis becomes hard, the
man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina."
Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside
the lady's tummy, and after it's all
done sneezin' milk.thepenis stops bein'
hard, and the man loses interest in
the lady.

JIMMY:
So, when your penis becomes hard, you're
supposed to put in in a lady's vagina.
And then it stops being hard?

BUTTERS:
That's right, Jimmy.

JIMMY:
But where am I going to find a lady
to stick my penis in? The talent show
is this Friday.

[South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to
change books.]

GIRL:
Talk to you, Bertha.

BERTHA:
Okay, see you later, Jessie.

JIMMY:
Hey Bertha.

BERTHA:
Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on?

JIMMY:
Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could
stick my penis in your vagina?

BERTHA:
What?? No way!

JIMMY:
But the talent show is tomorrow! Ooo!


BERTHA:
Jerk!

CARTMAN:
Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you
doing, man?

JIMMY:
I'm trying to get laid. What's it look
like?

CARTMAN:
Dude, you don't just go up to a girl
and ask her if you can stick your penis
in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her
on a date, take her out for some Italian
food.

JIMMY:
Wow, seems like you know a lot about
this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid
before?

CARTMAN:
Sure, lots of times. I've been laid,
like, five thousand times.

JIMMY:
Well, wha-what do I do?

CARTMAN:
I told you: a date and then Italian
food. And then you gotta make her thnk
you're a good listener.

JIMMY:
Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's
very important that I score to-night!
Can you come on the date and help me?
You're like a white... Hitch.

CARTMAN:
Why sure, they do this all the time
in movies and TV shows. You go on the
date and wear an earpiece, and I'll
be nearby, secretly telling you all
the right things to say.

JIMMY:
Wow! Thanks, Eric.

[A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell
rings.]

MOM:
Shawna honey, I think your little date
is here.

SHAWNA:
Okay, Mom.

JIMMY:
Hey Shawna.

SHAWNA:
Hi Jimmy.

CARTMAN:
Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how
good she looks.

JIMMY:
Wow, Shawna, you look fantastic.

SHAWNA:
Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?


JIMMY:
We're going to an authentic Italian
restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini

[Buca de Fagghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service
at their table]

WAITER:
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the
authentico experience Italiano. My name
is Roma. Can I start you out with some
lotsa pasta macaroni minis?

JIMMY:
Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic
pizzareli casserona poppers

WAITER:
Right away.

SHAWNA:
You know that girl Sally Rauman at our
school? I can't stand her.

CARTMAN:
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what
she's saying now isn't interesting at
all, you say, "Wow, that is very interesting.
Please tell me more."

JIMMY:
Wow, that is very interesting. Please
tell me more.

SHAWNA:
Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same
purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want
it now!" because who wants a purse that
both their best friends have, right?
And so-

CARTMAN:
All right, when she stops yappin' again,
say "Wow, I've never thought of it that
way before, but you're right."

SHAWNA:
-I guess that's why I figured, "Who
needs friends like that?"

JIMMY:
Wow, I've never thought of it that way
before, but you're right.

SHAWNA:
It's like I told Debbie: "If you're
gonna go out with my friends-"

CARTMAN:
All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts
her trap again, I want you to repeat
whatever she said, and then follow it
with "Wow, how insightful."

SHAWNA:
"And so if you're gonna be that way,
I don't need to be your friend."

JIMMY:
"if you're gonna be that way, I don't
need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful.


SHAWNA:
You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.


JIMMY:
Really?

SHAWNA:
Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate
like you do.

JIMMY:
Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna,
because I really wanna stick my penis
in your vagina.

CARTMAN:
Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice.

SHAWNA:
...What??? I'm not doing that!

JIMMY:
But the talent show is tomorrow night!


SHAWNA:
Creep!

CARTMAN:
Aaagh!

[South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the
talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the
school...]

MRS. GARRISON:
Welcome students and parents to the
annual South Park Elementary Talent
Show! We have a lot of little talneted
performers to get through, so the quicker
you shut up, the quicker this will be
over! Okay, first up we have Billy
Turner, from the third grade, who will
be doing an alto sax solo.

[South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there
subbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him
and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into
view.]

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?

JIMMY:
Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh
b-Barbrady.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Jimmy, what are you doing here? The
talent show is inside.

JIMMY:
I'm... not gonna perform in the talent
show.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Not perform? But Jimmy, you love talent
shows. Everyone in town knows that.


JIMMY:
I just c-can't risk getting up in front
of everyone.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Why?

JIMMY:
All right! I I keep getting an erection
for no reason! Okay! But I can't get
any of the girls here to let me... do
it to them.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Well of course not, Jimmy. LIttle girls
don't wanna have sex.

JIMMY:
Then why does God make it so that my
penis gets hard if girls don't wanna
have it in their vaginas? It's like
a cruel joke.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young
and pure. They're not like the ladies
down at Colfax Point.

JIMMY:
...Colfax Point?

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Well yeah, those women will have sex
with anybody.

JIMMY:
Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus
...and get down there before the talent
show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady!


OFFICER BARBRADY:
You're welcome, Jim. Wait...

[Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars
roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes
try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black women wearing
knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She
has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print
shorts]

VOICE-OVER:
Colfax Point.

Pimps and hos and tricks in rows

Women walk the street with corns on their feet

Broken dreams and no ice creams

[a car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion]


HO:
You lookin' for a date?

JIMMY:
Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis
in a woman's vagina. Any takers? Excuse
me, ma'am. What's your name?

PROSTITUTE:
They call me Nut Gobbler.

JIMMY:
Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid.


NUT GOBBLER:
Huh??

JIMMY:
I have a raging hard-on that just won't
quit, and the talent show has already
started.

NUT GOBBLER:
You a cop?

JIMMY:
No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.


NUT GOBBLER:
You got money?

JIMMY:
Sure do.

NUT GOBBLER:
All right, you got a place to go?

JIMMY:
Sure. I know the p-perfect place.

[Buca de Fagghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives]

ROMA:
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the
authentic experienso Italiano. My name
is Roma, and uhhh Oh, it's so nice
to see you again, Mr. Valmer.

JIMMY:
Hey, can it, jackass! I just don't
want them to know I was here with a
different girl.

ROMA:
Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come
back with some garlic bread mediterraneane.


NUT GOBBLER:
What are we doin' anyway?

JIMMY:
This is authentic Italian food straight
from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa
Mozzarella Pizza Roll.

NUT GOBBLER:
I can't eat too much, I'lve got an infected
urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood
for a week.

JIMMY:
Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting.
Please tell me more.

NUT GOBBLER:
Huh? Well, that's it, I just pissed
blood! So I have to stick a tampon up
my peehole.

JIMMY:
Wow. You know, I've never thought of
it that way before, but you're right.
If you're pissing blood, you can shuve
a tampon up your peehole. You are very
insightful. Please tell me more.

NUT GOBBLER:
Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You
wanna get laid or not?

JIMMY:
Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's
why I'm taking you to this ...fancy
place and pretending to be interested
in what you have to say..

NUT GOBBLER:
Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to
take me to dinner OR be nice to me.


JIMMY:
What? Fo, for real?

NUT GOBBLER:
You paid me, so you get to do me. It's
that simple.

JIMMY:
Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting
our time here for then? The talent show
is happening right now! Let's get to
r-r-rammin'!

PIMP:
What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?!
You're supposed to be workin' for me!


NUT GOBBLER:
It's where the trick wanted to go, you
bastard!

PIMP:
Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick
gonna take you out to dinner! This
PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from
me! This is MY ho!

JIMMY:
I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid
for her and took her out to dinner.
She's my ho!

NUT GOBBLER:
Uh Jesus.

PIMP:
You got a problem, bitch?!

JIMMY:
Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter
of fact! I've spent all my money on
this ho, and she's now my only shot
at getting laid, and the talent show
is only a couple of hours from being
over.

PIMP:
You're comin' home right now!

NUT GOBBLER:
Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a
bitch!

JIMMY:
Sir, sir, that is my ho!

PIMP:
I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!

JIMMY:
Sir, sir!

[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student
sings Journey's "Open Arms" badly]

STAN:
Woof.

[Buca de Fagghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler,
and Jimmy just steps out the front doors]

JIMMY:
Son of a ...b-bitch! Taxi! Follow
that pimp and ho!

[The pimp's car]

NUT GOBBLER
Where are you taking me?!

PIMP
I'm gonna kill you, ho!

NUT GOBBLER
No! Please! Chewmoney! I'm sorry!

CHEWMONEY
You're already dead, ho!

JIMMY:
Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking
her, you are no better than a common
th-thief!

CHEWMONEY:
Fuck you, punk!

JIMMY:
Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch!


CHEWMONEY:
Get your ass back in here, ho!

NUT GOBBLER:
Aaaah!

JIMMY:
I got you, Nut Gobbler!

[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth
kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars,
and the Kindergarten Goth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings]


TALL GOTH:
No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the
talent show.

Oh no no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show. [the
song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes
up from the audience]

MRS. GARRISON:
Okay, that was the Goth kids with "Talent
Shows Are For Fags"

TALL GOTH:
That was killer. We showed them.

RED GOTH:
Yeah, I hope we win.

[The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing
down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's
screaming from the pain]

JIMMY:
Come on, ho!

CABBIE:
Look out!

MOTORCYCLIST:
Daww?

NUT GOBBLER:
Aah?? NO!

JIMMY:
Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up!


[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic
act ends as the assistant steps out of a box]

KID MAGICIAN:
Tada!

MRS. GARRISON:
Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very
nice. Our next act is Butters, who
will be singing a song

STEPHEN:
There's our boy.

BUTTERS:
Lu lu lu, I'vw got some... some... uh,
some uh... some, uh... uuuhhh... Oh
no! No no noho noo!

MRS. GARRISON:
Okay, thank you Butters, very nice,
short and sweet.

[The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping
each other off.]

CHEWMONEY:
Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!


JIMMY:
Get close to him! How much do I owe
you?

CABBIE:
Six dollars and twenty-four cents.


JIMMY:
C-can I just get two back, please?


CABBIE:
Oh, thank you very much. There you
go. Have a good 'n.

JIMMY:
Thank you.

CHEWMONEY:
You're gonna pay for this, bitch!

NUT GOBBLER:
No! Heelllp!! Haaaaaaaaaa!!

JIMMY:
Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming!
Oh Jesus, not now. Oh boy, this is
embarassing.

[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic
act ends as the assistant steps out of a box]

MRS. GARRISON:
And now we have Eric Cartman, who will
be doing select readings from the movie,
Scarface.

CARTMAN:
D'you know what you are? You're all
a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You
need people like me! You need people
like me so you can point your fucking
finger and say "That's the bad guy!"
Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!


LIANE:
That's my little boy.

[Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Chewmoney
has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead.]


NUT GOBBLER:
Please, Chewmoney! Don't do this!

CHEWMONEY:
I told you never to turn on me, ho!


JIMMY:
Hey, j-j-jackass! I'm sorry I resorted
to calling you jackass just now, but
I'm very upset!

CHEWMONEY:
And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've
got four feet on you AND a gun! What
do you have?!

JIMMY:
What do I have? The weapon of comedy.
So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese
aren't getting along lately. Have you
seen this? Have you heard about this?


CHEWMONEY:
What?!

JIMMY:
I'll tell you one thing: their food
hasn't been getting along with my stomach
for years.

CHEWMONEY:
That's pretty good.

JIMMY::
Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have
you seen this? Have you heard about
this?

CHEWMONEY:
Oh yeah. That's right, she is.

JIMMY:
She's apparently gotten real good with
baking cakes with keys in them.

NUT GOBBLER:
Serves you right, you son of a bitch!


JIMMY:
Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler.

GOBBLER:
I can't believe you chased me all this
way. You, you really care about me.


JIMMY:
Not really. You're just a hooker, and
I need to get laid. The talent show
could be over any minute.

GOBBLER:
That's good enough for me. Take me
to bed.

[South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. Ike is onstage
singing "Yankee Doodle Boy"]

IKE:
I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,


She's my Yankee Doodle girl.

[holds up some sparklers]

'Ankee Doodle came to London,

Just to ride the ponies,

[throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him.
The barrel rises until it's in launch pisition]

I am da Yankee Doodle

I am da Yankee Doodle

I am da Yankee Doodle boy.

[The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage.
Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken
away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts
on his top hat and walks off]

MRS. GARRISON:
Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All
right, children, it looks like we have
no more contestants, which means, the
Talent Show is over!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA:
Mr. Mackey, it's over.

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
Huh? Oh oh oh, right.

MRS. GARRISON:
Now we will tally up the judges' scores
and find out which act they hated the
least.

JIMMY:
Hold everything! Mrs. Garrison, if
you don't mind, I'll be taking that
microphone..


Okay, let's put our hands together for
Jimmy Valmer.


Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently
it's been exactly two years since the
fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush
predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell,
Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't
fall was ...the price of gas. I just
read in the paper that China's protesting
Japan. Have you seen this? Have you
heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China
you don't get to- You've gotta be kidding
me.