[Round 1: XQZ]
LL…well, I guess this weekend represents ‘em both
You know, you battled Ill Will last night, got effortlessly smoked
You gon’ feel so fucked up after this one
You’ll start believin’ the pandemic is a hoax
‘Cause you stood in front of Ill, took a test the next day, and got nothin’ but negative results
That last shit? Yeah, I probably coulda rapped the verses smoother
And I get it if it’s not your thing
You know, the monotone voice, the nerdy humor
So they’re sayin’ “Forget the 100K”
They couldn’t count mе out the tourney sooner
So now I gotta comе outta left field, and then I’m slidin’ wit’ the big stash (‘stache) like Bernie Brewer
It’s a different cloth, never worried if the stock’s raisin’
I said, I’ve been an animal with the craft since Diddy Kong Racing
I was choppin' heads off on some Ichabod Crane shit
Since Lush and Plex were hosting battles, yellin', “Fist to Palm Nation!“
So fuck a hater!
Old-school in the ring like the Undertaker
Uppercut have him holdin' his gut like his stomach stapled
Givin' LL hit after hit, it’s another banger
Rusty razor - LL, back up! It’s a cub creator
I said, Korbel Jordan! I know you always like to re-introduce it
Dot Mobb, New Midwest, and he’s been leading the movement
But to KOTD, you just got here, and I’mma beat up the new kid
Like Last Dance, got the type of lines this rookie Jordan don’t even wanna be in the room with
You have a tweet that says “URL contract signed“
And it has been sitting in your drafts for a long-ass time
You’ve done four thousand PGs, only one they felt was good enough to show
You had a battle on the app that they immediately deleted, like, a month ago
You know what’s funny though?
My record on URL is 1–0
Your record on URL is most battles vaulted in a fuckin’ row
You are trash! And these leagues ignore it because it’s good for their budget
You bring people in the door and you get booked for a hundred
It’s like that OnlyFans shit, ‘cause no matter how it looks to the public
In the end, as long as it makes them money, they will put up with fuck shit
But hey, at least you’ve been, uh, workin’ on the image
And I’m not bein’ sarcastic
It’s a smart tactic ‘cause no one realizes none of the bars matchin’
You are a 2K created player who spent all the virtual cash on new clothes
But now he’s stuck with the standard moves, and all his attributes low
Time
[Round 1: LL Coogi]
Yo…they done put Korbel Jordan versus Steve Eanet
Steve, you’re great
Why you let King of the Dot pick your fate?
You had this perfect portion wrapped in fortune, and you just let ‘em pick the date
We from two different walks of life, we don’t relate
You had all these brushes with death, and I was expecting a white boy to have more of an exquisite taste
You get erased - you see how I fell in (felon) with no pardon?
So watch your mouth, here’s where I bring down the house: Steve Martin
Peep the lines!
Christmas time, you just another white boy who quite gifted
100K? You just in my brother’s way, this where your soul get lifted
If your people took everything from mine, you just another statistic
You should’ve went full throttle
Spilt-over Henny bottle
‘Cause your whole life, you been wasting your white privilege!
XQZ!? Lemme tell you what that mean, and lemme prove it
You went to private schools, you wasn’t cool, your dreams were so lucid
You listened to Aaron Carter on MTV, then Eminem
Your mom’s like, "Steve, what is this music?"
You stopped wearing durags ‘cause your dad was abusive
You been bottom-tier your whole career
Like, why would you choose this?
Your only chance at 100 bands, well, you ‘bout to lose this
You a guest on my set
White boy think he’s sick because he coughin' up mucus
Read the text, ‘cause “XQZ” only mean your whole career, you been making excuses!
Why the fuck you go from a Crucible to this stage!?
You dropped the ball! It’s Steven Seagal
And now you going from the cradle to the grave
I don’t play with Wiggers
I’m Dr. Loomis, I just talk to killers
Steve Eanet (a net) never been a problem for a Milwaukee n***a!
100K? Why would Coogi play?
You just a bitch to me
N***a. I used to hoop on crates: Eanet (a net) never meant shit to me!
In the end (Indian), everything I do land, and do away with pilgrims
Coogi come through and wash Eanet (a Net) n***a like Daron Williams
Don’t worry about the game, my n***a! You not even worthy
In Season 1, Coogi bodyin’ Eanet (a Net) n***a like a Brooklyn jersey!
Uzi ‘bout to spray! Who think Coogi came to play!?
Steve better get out my way!
One shot, then I cut Eanet (a net) off: NCAA!
What’s next!? Then I took your life and your last breath
James Harden, ‘cause Eanet (a Net) had to face a Milwaukee n***a, and it went left
Don’t worry! You from Chicago
N***a, it makes it perfect for the plot
Steve, they only curve (Kerr) you ‘cause Jordan let you take the shot
Let’s go
[Round 2: XQZ]
“It’s ‘bout time to give him his first Killswitch!”
That’s his slogan…which is not only stupid
But when we were just at iBattle
He tried to pause to let the crowd finish it for him, except no one knew it
And you been saying it for, like, five years
Imagine Verb goin’, “Fuck a preview! Let’s flip that beef brew! So…it’s…”
And the crowd stares back like, “Fuck do we do?“
Bro, you are nobody!
Always talkin’ about his brand
Like, “I’ve been on KOTD, RBE, and SMACK
‘Cause I know how to market myself in ways these other rappers seem to lack”
Well, as a marketing professional, I looked into it
You know, wanted to see if he was speaking facts
Checked his tweets, his IG, and…he actually discovered a genius hack
Check this out - he posts a clip of his most recent match with a link attached
How the fuck did no other battle rapper think of that!?
Bro, you should teach a class
What other marketing tips you got in your secret stash?
“You know, if you paid big names a lot of money, they’ll show up to your league and rap.”
(*LL Coogi grumbles in reaction to this*)
Bro, you pay these dudes, they don’t try
Now your résumé’s completely stacked
And they just work with LL C ‘cause they could write him off, and it’s an easy tax
If you pay a big name and it works? Your career could surge at a fast pace
But if you do it this many times, it’s just worse for your brand’s sake
‘Cause they watch your opponents rounds, then they use yours for a snack break
You’re not earning a fanbase…you are purchasing ad space
You braggin’ on your résumé is like taking an ad out in the Sunday paper
And then goin’, “Wow! I can’t believe they’re putting me on the front page later!”
And meanwhile, you’re battling for free, just hoping for that one game changer
But I guess Jordan’s brand couldn’t expand without the unpaid labor!
Bro, I don’t need battle rap money either
It’s not a flex, it’s just an honest statement
I’m happy for whoever wins the hundred, as long as he’s not in the conversation
‘Cause depending on who wins, that money could be someone’s daughter's college payments
It could go to local nonprofits to make up for all the lost donations
That money could be what covers someone’s long awaited operation
You give him 100K? We get LL Coogi versus Loaded Lux in a Wisconsin basement
It’s not the same!
I don’t get how he even got a call back
I haven’t seen a corn this big since watching All That
Get knocked flat!
Get that Mortal Kombat-
(Come on!)
I said, he get knocked flat!
Get that Mortal Kombat Shinnok slap
Got him rewritin’ his verses like, “Yo, L, let me borrow that.“
They thought that last battle-
(*Lush One gets fired up over that bar*)
There it is
I said, they thought that last battle put me into submission?
Yeah, Ciddy was wiggin’, but I came back and finished the mission
Don’t celebrate until the playoffs, I stick to tradition
I’m putting Korbel on ice until I clinch the division
X
[Round 2: LL Coogi]
N***a, you been hatin’!
Pipe ready to smoke like I’m free-basin’
You show out (Showwoutt) in front of my Hitman and get caught in front of the gas station
I creep low, SIG blow
Then flash the Nina: peep show
‘Bout to get Wild Boy in front of this Jackass: Steve-O!
You ain’t want no smoke on No Coast
Bitch, you a runner
Now I’m blackin’ in front of this white boy face: Tropic Thunder
I’m still airin’! I’m not carin’!
Clap your lil’ sister, I’m done sparin’
N***a thought he was Brave until he realized I was the real hitter from Milwaukee: Hank Aaron!
The Temptation made me weak, ‘cause ain’t nobody come to see Otis
Already excelled in front of Xcel, now XQZ?
I hope y’all lookin’ forward to this
Y’all better stay focused
‘Cause my only theory was to show y’all I’m the truth in front of my X ‘ponents!
Since we on the Road, Dog(g), lemme show you what’s comin’ next
He gettin’ X’d out like ‘Pac soon as Chyna meet her death
A Shawn Michaels superkick, then a Rock goes through his neck
Then a Triple over the back like D-Generation X!
Résumé? Views? You already know what type of relevance
Soon as I got the word, it was Mr. Burns: “Excellent!”
Show you the Force!
See how Anakin tryna be Darth Vader?
All Extra in front of the host like MC Slater!?
I’m the shit! You couldn’t even match wits!
We not even talkin’
You been mouthin’ off at the side of the neck: Steven Hawking
N***a rookie!
I’ll wipe the floor with this pussy, and make a mess too!
Moesha dumpin’ Fredro Starr: X Q’ (ex Q)!
I WANT WRECK TOO!
X, I’ll really put this MAC to your bitch
Try and smoke me
Steve Aoki: you better stay out the mix
Why would I play?
It’s battle rap Dr. J, George Gervin
Step in the jungle and die in front of the animal: Steve Irwin!
N***a, “Houston, we got a problem”
Tossed the rocket soon as I fled the scene
Then the Phi Jama Slama got me feeling like Hakeem the Dream
I’m that deadly
Biggie last interview, the talk heavy
Soon as I said, “Yo!”, it was a (w)rap: Fab Five Freddy
King of the Dot had me waitin’ for a date, that’s flood-stretchin’
N***a, I felt like ‘Pac standing around, waiting for the smoke…and I Ain’t Mad at Cha

[Round 3: XQZ]
Hey, Lush

[Lush One]
What’s good?

[XQZ]
You know how battle rappers call you to run their rounds when they want some advice?

[Lush One]
Unfortunately

[XQZ]
Sometimes you’d be listenin’ like, “Nah. You might get bodied tonight.”
But you still gotta pretend it’s fire, so you don’t freak ‘em out
‘Cause at this point, it would take too long to rewrite

[Lush One]
Yeah

[XQZ]
Well, if you think that’s awkward, imagine the other person’s also your wife
You’re marrying a battle rapper?
Man, that night you proposed…that must’ve seemed like a dream
Cooked a romantic dinner, wrote the most beautiful Street Fighter scheme
I know battle rap’s your life, but I just think it’s a wee bit extreme
When just to keep with the theme
You got down on one knee and said, “Baby, will you be my Queen of the Ring?”
And that ring? WOO!
Diamond so bright it could melt your heart
That shinin’ rock (Shine and Roc) at the top like Dot Mobb before it fell apart
We got a battle rap wedding, ladies and gentlemen!
‘Ganik, can’t imagine how stressed you’ve been
Trying to plan the honeymoon, he thinks of Summer Madness and suggests Houston
Like, I understand you’re in Dot Mobb, but did you need to make Mook and Rex groomsmen?
And that wedding hashtag? Really? “New Mid-Wed Movement?”
Bro, they wanted this huge wedding cake, but it was too expensive and the bakery wasn’t helping you
So Coogi just paid for the top tier, but you know, what else is new?
See, I’ve been married before, and it’s not like you didn’t try
But you know, sometimes these major life events can shift the tides, and you see a different side
Like, right now, it’s all happiness, and “You may now kiss the bride.”
Just wait until you win the 100K, and then it’s “You may now split the prize.“
Bro, marriage comes with a ton of sacrifices, and that’s just a fact of life
I mean, you know, it didn’t work out for me, but I still understand the hype
I mean, think about it
You do all these pointless battles and leagues don’t even pay your fuckin’ asking price
At least once you have a wife, you’ll finally kinda know what getting your other half is like
Bro, you do all this work, and I admit, I kinda respect it
And I know this guy is protective, so if the bride gets offended
It’ll be like Bridesmaids, when Maya Rudolph’s runnin’ right for the exit
Because we might just have to take this shit outside and address it
Chicago Steve!
I will Jon Jones this fraud’s gold teeth
And drag that grill across the mud like an off-road Jeep
He’ll go from his wedding to the morgue, and shit was almost sweet
But it happened…
He panicked at the altar, and then he got cold feet!
That bein’ said, I appreciate the wedding invite
You know, I always wanted to hang with Mook
And who wouldn’t want to spend their Saturday in a real life battle rap Facebook group?
So I appreciate it, and I know it’s a really important day for you
But unfortunately, I can’t make it, dude
But I’ll definitely cop the pay-per-view

[Round 3: LL Coogi]
N***a, my first round was pound for pound just to show you the pen would
My second, pistol play for the day just to show you I’m still hood
But partial, was only leading to Marshall
Just to show you the third good (Thurgood)
You ain’t want no smoke on No Coast
That n***a Steve can’t see
I’ll put your chest book picture on an old-ass tee
Life sentence, C-Murder couldn’t outbar me
But X came back, and the MAC’s (Max) Out like RBE
We havin’ fun
Tommy gun, strapped wit’ a double drum
I got two L’s in front of my name - I can’t afford to take another one!
I’m back on my shit!
You ain’t even got a option with this
Ultimate…
What you think I brought this Madness for (4)?
The next (NXT) n***a judge me!? I’m Roc(k)in’ his shit!
All night…I was Bill Collector, robbin’ n***as with a steel pipe
Stack Almighty, mask on
You lookin’ at a n***a who’ll kill you in real life!
Tonight, I’m disregarding anything this bastard say
Supreme, then I rock him with the .50: Jam Master Jay!
STEVE! Steve!
I could teach you how to rob if you need to learn!
Grip a Glock, hold it firm
Couple shots make his sternum turn
Wounds stayed open so long, it got freezer burn!
OG Bobby Johnson, bandanna on wit’ a black pistol
You get out, then I introduce your son like South Central!
Y’all either use a Biggie bar or a trash reference, and I’m not influenced
So me and you gon’ go down Biggie catalogue, and I’mma teach you how to do it
It’s pistol-whip, you ain’t Ready to Die
The baby drum been tryna fan us
The shit get Juicy soon as my n***as let them cans bust
I’m a Bad Boy like Sean Puff’
Top leakin’, now n***as see why N***as Bleed just like us!
Baby mama, side chick - I got both my grips
I could go Hard Core wit’ one, but I got Faith in this bitch!
.44, trauma to you top, I got only two
Room 112, knockin’ at the door, and it’s Only You
I walk in the door, wavin’ the .44
And all he yelled was, “Poppa, don’t hit me no more!”
I walk in wit’ the TEC, .45 just to earn my respect
Standin’ next to the hearse, bitch, it’s Life After Death!
What y’all n***as count? About at least nine whips soon as I jammed it?
‘Cause all I turned was his top into the TEN CRACK COMMANDMENTS!
N***as already know that it’s time for me to kill shit!
Time to give…fake-ass Charron his first muthafuckin’ Killswitch
N***a, I’m past crack
The MAC on me, y’all don’t wanna take this past rap
My granny used to make me get my own switch
I grab the stick and get flashbacks
You a KILLER!?
You a bozo
Clown n***a they got me facin’
Y’all thought he was It, and I see right past the demonstration
I need a bag, so next time, use your penny wise (Pennywise) for this preparation
Plain as day, I can SEE that this wasn’t a Stephen King creation
A lot of n***as actin’ like they killers, but I actually am
Started from the bottom just to get ahead, n***a
Got off of AOW, became legend just to get that bread, n***a
Why boys like you bitin’ my hand when I fed n***as?
Don't listen to the morons
I'm Zordon…you speakin’ to the head n***a