[Round 1: Lexx Luthor]
Yo, Rell, I don’t respect you or any bars that you took off memes
You a spitting image of N Pose’s girlfriend when you start to look all mean
An up-and-comer here, but legendary in the cook-off scene
And I bet life’s been great since Sandra Bullock put you on that football team
He gives rappers bread to go against him in Alpha League, ‘cause he raps basic as f*ck
Then pays his own travel to battle in different states every month
Can’t even buy groceries ‘cause he paid for his buzz
Been eating Hamburger Helper for weeks, trying to be the face of the Glove!
In your battle with Ill Will, he said you snitch more than you spit
In layman’s terms, Michigan precincts are the only time you got a way with words
GZ, you brought some Detroit scud bucket with the fakest purse
I’d still leave her pus*y loose if her head the G.O.A.T. like Satan’s church!
These fools, they’d finna tricked their friend like it’s April 1st
Rell, you still get 3-0’d at the lunch truck by Xzibit every day at work
You from Detroit, dirtbag! That is the filthiest place on Earth
Every time you put your city on your back, I bet it stains your shirt!
I said, listen, MarvTwo, you ain’t nothing I haven’t seen before
The last time you had a ki’ of white, somebody keyed your door
The machine came with a blue ray; it’s not a PS4
But it’s steel-suited for bugging, it’s like the Beetleborgs
The fans wanna see me vs. Charron, but I kept getting offered you and Shotti, pathetic
I brought tombstones for y’all and anybody I’ve threatened
Your mother’s a b*tch, you can suck my di*k, and I ain’t very sorry I said it
This ain’t an inside joke; anybody can get it!
I already beat your man N Pose, and you ain’t him
In Van’, I had the crowd go crazy over my ape sh*t
I’ve been the best in GZ, way before killing that Quake kid
What you think they call me elite for? I already ate Jimz!
That’s my only Pokémon bar this battle
Nobody want to see Lexx when he writes
Even The Saurus, he wanted way too much bread for the fight
Well, he better not come close, or I’ll play Whack-a-Mole on his head with my knife
And he’ll see one of his girlfriend’s paintings in the mirror for the rest of his life!
And, uh, the back of your neck looks like bubble wrap
[Round 1: Jay Rell]
I said, they finally got me on Blackout, I must be savage, partner
All I had to do was beat Danny Myers, Ill Will, KG, Mr. Mill$
Now, I’m up against my toughest challenge yet: Alex Braga
Battle rapper/Olive Garden salad chopper extraordinaire
Extraordinaire with gorgeous hair
You got here first, but this race wasn’t tortoise/hare
I stayed toward the back, now there’s a shell going toward his hair I’m capping sh*t
He don’t understand English, so I gotta caption it
I catch him drinking Aquafina, put lead in his water like we back in Flint
I said, but we back in Flint, I just put in an order
Sent 100 cases of water to a mother and daughter
I strap it to his spine; he the next wet back supporter
I get this spic flip for a bird and a quarter at the crib by the picture frames: another Mexican getting killed at the border!
I told Gully, “Build a wall around the venue
He ain’t gon’ get in unless he jump that
He gon’ cruise out the same way he came in
Let’s see if he can trump that!”
I said, he’s embarrassin’
It’s stupid, even Sarah Palin in comparison
That’s propaganda, that’s deep thinking; his mind ain’t good for making layers
He think a “candidate” is going out with his favorite flavor
Mexicans ain’t never been my favorite neighbors
Y’all keep Christmas lights up year-round, like y’all trying to save for later
[*points at member of Lexx’s crew*]
All y’all do that sh*t, too. I swear to God y’all do!
They ain’t want to take it down; it’s been two f*cking years
It’s the middle of June, and yo’ house lit up! That’s too f*cking weird!
Let’s switch the topic
You don’t get pus*y; son, I see you chasing tail like Mr. Robotnik
I said, Lexx wouldn’t be impressive if Lexx was a Lexus, ‘cause I’m the only one good
Beast Mode, y’all pus*y
I hope you brought your block with you, ‘cause Lexx is gon’ take an L in front of his hood
And your stomach look like bubble wrap
You fat Mexican motherf*cker, how you f*ck with that?
I bet he could f*ck with that
Look like you be lovin’ that
Shut up! Why don’t you give McLovin back!?
[Round 2: Lexx Luthor]
I said, don’t bring me around your weed, ‘cause when I leave, there’ll be a J missin’
Ay, Rell! That’s how you say your name with the J missin’!
A black-on-black ‘Rari is what I’ll put J miss in
Okay, it’s Khalifa’s car…but I got Wiz, ki’, and some Jameson
You beating me? Ha!
And Charron is Grape-Crippin’
My son got at least a Maggie in the crib: think Abe Simpson
You ain’t seen a rapper this grimy in the Dot since Tre Mission
And I know how to manage a punch in Toronto: I’m Blake Griffin!
I got a blade from my man Tripper: I was never that softie
And I’m quick to use Jakk knife: that’s what Kevin Nash taught me!
I’ll put your team on ice if your brethren act salty
And leave they bodies in the ground by the worms like Men In Black coffee!
My girl does the shootin’
She don’t wanna see me do time, waitin’
I got a bad b*tch for Jay, that goes beyond sayin’
She’ll put a hollow in his top when she nine-tre him
Then two tips in the bottom: she’ll Kanye him!
What up, man!? Let’s go!
Listen, Midwest Miles Davis, you losing now, weirdo!
[?] Rell’s earlobe
You went from Norbes’ poster child, to Proving Grounds Hero
To, “Yo, Gully, can I get a battle? I got something to prove in Ground Zero!”
They don’t know that you stink yet
Dude’s still got that new-car smell
He’s too white for Black Ice and couldn’t choose Cartel
He went from the PG's to GZ ‘cause he couldn’t do bars well
You know who’s the worst rapper to ever be on URL? YOU ARE, RELL!
I said, Calicoe’s the most poppin’ one from your state ‘cause the rest of y’all ain’t done enough
Think Gambit: how’s the card gonna blow if you don’t put on the f*cking glove?
I know I don’t deserve Illmac, I’m barely a runner-up
But that shrimps all types of food, and I settled for Bubba Gump
You the best thing to come out of your state since Casey Anthony! (It’s true)
And a disgrace to Michigan rap
This was supposed to be a good look for me!
It’s been two YEARS since you were spitting on Smack!
You JUST BATTLED Yung Casper
I did before Avi traded his fitteds for slacks
You saw his announcement? Well, after I get the chain, I ain’t giving it back!
And…I wish I still had your hat on
[Round 2: Jay Rell + Lexx Luthor]
I said, you the hardest thing since Carter Deems, actin’ like he a kill-one
AKs, Mac-11s; Lexx got every type of gun except the real one
Like he appeal one, you know it’s a wrap
No, not like it’s over; I mean you know it’s a wrap
He pus*y; he just gon’ get mad and do what pussies do, and that’s overreact
Beast Mode…y’all n*ggas wouldn’t last ten minutes in Detroit yellin’ “Beast Mode!”
All y’all pus*y: y’all need to be yellin’ “Yeast Mode!”
I’m not for playin’
I make all y’all doctor patients
That doc better know mathematics; he gon’ have to put in a whole order of operations
I’m shootin’, he runnin’, duckin’, I don’t care, he weavin’
I miss his head, it’s an Eagle to his shoulder like Pirates of the Caribbean!
Aye, if your mans wanna come try that dying thing
Tell ‘em come and try and swing
That pride gon’ have me scar his brother like the Lion King!
They said you was dy-namic
I didn’t understand what they was saying
Right, your career? But, okay, you can Piccolo; tonight, you gon’ die a Namek! (Dragon Ball Z bars!)
[Daps up his friends, high-pitched squeals]
My sales is perfect now, I’m versatile
I was birthed with this power
I’m versatile like I rehearsed in the shower
Verse-a-towel like I rehearsed in the shower
You play Magic: The Gathering
World-ranked! World-ranked! World-ranked
Yeah, you really good, too, I’m not gonna lie
You play Magic: The Gathering
That is dragons and faggotry!
You take a gay plant everywhere yo go; you be draggin’ a faggot tree
And they be-
Your mans be dressing like infantry
You be mobbin’ with goblins
Playing sports with Orcs
Y’all faggots with dragons
I bet you wanna use spells on Rell!
Listen, that’s why I can see why they say his team seem hard
He roll with some fire-breathing dragons, I ain’t trying to get my team charred
But I know the game
You need a force to activate that ability, so that ain’t work for this Mexican unless you pull a Green Card!
(Hard to get, though…)
Yo’ whole life, you’ve been trying to get your black on
But URL ain’t called you; tonight, I’mma get my smack on
But it’s funny ‘cause…oh, girl, my man burnt you, and that wouldn’t have happened if you still had my hat on
[*puts cap on Lexx’s head*]
Gimme my hat back!
Alpha League, Jay Rell
[Round 3: Lexx Luthor + Jay Rell]
I’ve got my own hat
In your battle with Danny, you said, “How you beef with a California dude? ‘Meet me under the palm trees!’”
I laughed and thought, “Great wild!”
‘Til against Ty Law, you said, “How you beef with a lightskin dude? ‘Meet me in the Drake aisle!’”
Don’t ask me how they beef in New York, ‘cause that ain’t something you could take, pal
How they beef in Detroit? “Meet me on 8 Mile!”
Rell, I’ll beat you the f*ck up!
Real sh*t! You straight coochie, yo
With a hook-
I’ll leave this kid’s eye slanted with a hook like Ruffio
I’m in ju-jitsu now, rollin’ while you in the studio
So, when you get decked, I’ll put a triangle around your neck like Yu-Gi-Oh!
When it comes to this rap sh*t, you can’t hang, Rell
In your last battle, you said your team has a seafood fetish, ‘cause they bang shells
I did not sa-You a liar!
Any of you guys got a seafood fetish by any chance?
No? Well, I- both of you’d fit in the bag well
‘Cause in this ring, I’m leavin’ blood all over your gang, Rell!
Wooo! Gangrel, he had blood all over him
I’ll let him down with the tre early: that’s breakfast in bed
Rell, I’ll come to your state to run your pockets, if I feel like getting some bread
But if I came all the way to Michigan for lint, you getting wet with the lead!
I know, I’m Spanish, so, according to stereotypes, I need a blade
For acting all that here, boy, you’ll get a slice to the grill like Pizza Face
I used to be nervous at these events, but I learned to seize the day
Think Matilda: now that I’m well-rounded, the tension is a piece of cake!
Razor Ramon, blade to his throat
His voice box in the dude next to him; now, he changing his tone
Fans covered in blood, cops yelling, “Stay on the phone!”
This gon’ be the worst thing to hit the news since HFK and Charron!
We can all tell that you’re slow by the bars that you structure
You got kicked off Smack ‘cause you and battle rap are wrong for each other
Listen, stupid! When you rap, you act r-r-r-retarded and stutter!
Ayo, Marv! That’s the way you talk to your brother!
Yo, WHO Y’ALL!? (Nobody!)
It’s Round 3
[Round 3: Jay Rell + Lexx Luthor]
313, I’m from Detroit
I plan to win strictly off hood luck
Before this battle, Smack called my phone and said, “Good luck!”
The only reason I ain’t been back to Smack ‘cause I don’t do one-offs
If I ain’t the top on a card, sh*t, I’ll get this bum off
I told Gully, “It’s straight…f*ck it, I’ll let the gun off”
Sometimes, I just think to myself like, “Dawg, what the f*ck am I doing, still battling?”
And this third round might be close
I don’t know how the rest of the battle went
But, either way, it’s ‘bout to be ruined
Let’s get to it- Naaah!
‘Bout to be a misstep
Toronto, y’all f*ck with me, right!? (Yeaaahh!)
f*ck y’all! Y’all ain’t been sh*t since Vince left! (Booooooooo!)
[to the co-host] I definitely don’t wanna be a fan
That’s the most reaction of the battle!
I said, y’all ain’t been sh*t since Vince left, poo team
Y’all n*ggas eat poutine on everything
I went to the store, ordered some poutine
They said, “You want some poutine to go with the poutine?”
I said, “Double poutine? Is that a new thing?”
I said, “I’ll have two, please.”
But look, back to you
I did this for a check
And you ain’t get a check; you did this for respect
And you don’t get respect
He said he sold drugs, he ain’t really did it, check
My animals will be next to his ki’s like a Giga Pet
That’s fire, fire! That’d be a keyring…
The sh*t we used to serve in cups wasn’t a beer call
The judge tried to box me in, I’m not a mere con
I’m smart, I’mma make smart battle-rapping a revolution
‘Cause you gotta realize my presence is watching every movement
So I’mma use bars to do it
Like if I take yo’ earth, this caterpillar, her butterfly, she gon’ be a shell of her former self
See, that’s death by evolution
10 80's: I can see no other resolution
Listen, you think ‘cause I got a Master’s degree, that I ain’t thuggin’, right?
Or I make six figures a year, that that change something?
You absolutely right! I don’t do nothing I rap about!
I go home to my daughter, I spank her when she acting out!
Positive reinforcement, I take that route, then pat her
Gully, turn the lights off and play hide-and-seek; that’s the only Blackout that matter
Look, I will beat you the f*ck up, dawg!
You know how normally I say this in my bars, and it’s already written, but I say I’ll beat you the fu-?
You wrote this one?
I-I really didn’t write this one!
I will beat you the f*ck up, dawg! Swear to God!
I did write it
I know, I know
I ain’t gon’ swear to God! I’ll beat you the f*ck up!
No, I ain’t gon’ swear to God!
That’s ain’t nowhere in my- it is in my verse, but it’s nowhere in my verse, honestly!
I will beat you the f*ck up! That ain’t no sh*t that I rehearsed!
You live in a house with 48 of your relatives; that is an unsanitary union
Every day at dinner is a family reunion!
And you still go to sleep with hunger pangs
Your mama think in her head like, “I don’t want him to want the pain
So, I wish this cat in this like The Hunger Games!”
But, it’s cool
Lexx Luthor, that is the dumbest name!
You are a stupid man that be starting sh*t
You the only Lexx Luthor that think Superman…isn’t Clark Kent! You thought he was Bruce Wayne!
Your whole crew is worth loose change! Especially you, you fifty cent!
Listen, you a Mexican that live in Staten Island
You are surrounded by a body of water. That was the dumbest decision alive!
‘Cause last time that happened, you barely survived
If that tire wouldn’t have floated by, you wouldn’t had had a ride!
‘Member that was the night your Nana cried?
Alpha League, Jay Rell