[Verse 1: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
You're sort of famous, a minor celebrity
And so it only makes sense the world would be
Obsessed with every single thing you do
They're running 'round with their camcorders in the night
They're lurking patiently and hoping that they just might
See something real embarrassing you do

[Pre-Chorus: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
The bad hair day and sweat-stained t-shirt
That's the story that they're gonna feature
With exclusive pics of your flabby behind
You think you're all alone, but that's right when you'll find

[Chorus: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
A bunch of paparazzi popping out of nowhere
Cameras in your face, and then suddenly
You're on TMZ, you're on TMZ

[Verse 2: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
Following you when you're walking down the street
And asking stupid questions while you're trying to eat
So you cover your face, thinking to yourself
"Hey, isn't this creepy?"
And they're out there praying you'll have a big meltdown
And take 'em on a little car chase through this whole town
They'll be there with you when you're going to jail
First on the scene for every wardrobe fail
[Pre-Chorus: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
You just picked up some transvestite
Seconds later, it's up on the website
Get a Vegas wedding, a quickie divorce
And they'll be sneaking in, snapping pictures, of course

[Chorus: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
And if they ever catch you picking your nose
Or stumblin' down the street on a drunken spree
You're on TMZ
Stalking you, just waiting by your front door
Trailing you through airport security
They're with TMZ, they're with TMZ

[Skit: Tom Kenny]
"We caught this Oscar nominee picking up dog poop!"
"Is that a baby bump?"
"I pronounce you guilty… of leaving the house while fat!"
"Look who's drinking coffee!"
"Everything celebrities do is fascinating!"

[Bridge: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
Oh, let me tell you
It's getting to the point where a famous person can't
Even get a DUI or go on a racist rant
Those guys are all around, so you really shouldn't dare
Go to every club in town if you've lost your underwear
[Chorus: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
Seems that every single time a star decides to
Shave their head or ram their car into a tree
They're on TMZ
If they catch you peeing in the bushes
Later on that night, well, I guarantee
You're on TMZ, you're on TMZ

[Outro: "Weird Al" Yankovic]
You're on TMZ
Every single celebrity knows they're gonna be
There on TMZ