[Verse 1]
I've got some useless but important information
Got a hot tip on a filly in the third
Skyping with a pretty girl who lives halfway around the world
Won't be long 'til everybody's heard

[Verse 2]
I have sworn and I cannot reveal my sources
I can tell you, though, that it's not Nancy Grace
I've been forced to change my plans, won't be travelin' to Sudan
My destination could be outer space

[Chorus 1]
Where am I bound, it don't matter
Pocket dialing halfway 'cross the nation
What do I hear, mindless chatter
All this useless and important information

[Verse 3]
There are camera crews for blocks outside her trailer
The whole thing's going viral as we sing
Are they fake or are they real, looks like her boyfriend cut a deal
She'll be Dancing with the Stars before the spring

[Verse 4]
You see, she spent her whole Katrina check on implants
Crisis over, destiny fulfilled
Blue tarp or silicone, either way, the money's gone
I guess there's more than one way to rebuild
[Chorus 2]
Who really cares, trillions twitter
I can't comprehend the titillation
Breakin' news, world's in the shitter
Covering useless and important information

[Bridge]
Gold starts out in the ground 'til very clever men
Dig it up and weigh it, they they bury it again
Mostly comes from Africa and ends up in Fort Knox
Only gets its value from the guards and chains and locks
Pretty rocks

[Chorus 1]
Where am I bound, it don't matter
Pocket dialing halfway 'cross the nation
What do I hear, mindless chatter
All this useless and important information

[Chorus 3]
Where am I bound, it don't matter
Whole world's now viewed with car-wreck fascination
If I were you, I'd just keep driving
Past all this useless and important information

[Refrain]
All this useless and important information