[Intro: Announcer (Nice Peter)]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
RASPUTIN!
VERSUS!
STALIN!
BEGIN!

[Verse 1: Grigori Rasputin (Nice Peter)]
Cool mustache, Wario
Try messing with the Mad Monk, you'll be sorry, yo
How many dictators does it take
To turn an empire into a union of ruinous states?
It's a disgrace what you did to your own people
Your daddy beat you like a dog and now you're evil
You're from Georgia, sweet Georgia
And the history books unfold ya
As a messed up motherfucker bent in the mind
Who built a superpower but he paid the price
With the endless destruction of Russian lives
If you're the man of steel, I spit kryptonite
Big dick mystic known to hypnotize
I could end you with a whisper to your wife

[Verse 2: Joseph Stalin (EpicLLOYD)]
Look into my eyes you perverted witch
See the soul of the man who made Mother Russia his bitch
You think I give a fuck about my wife?
My own son got locked up in prison and I didn't save his life
You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock
I'd leave your neck in a noose, in a trench, and shot!
Your whole family? Shot! All your wizard friends? Shot!
Anyone who sold you pierogi? Shot!
Starve you for days 'til you waste away
I even crush motherfuckers when I'm laid in state
Pride of Lenin took Trotsky out of the picture
Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch slapped Hitler
[Verse 3: Vladimir Lenin (Nice Peter)]
I have no pride for you who ruined everything
My revolution was doing to stop the bourgeoisie!
I fought the bondage of classes; the proletariat masses
Have brought me here to spit a thesis against both of your asses!
Lemme start with you there, Frankenstein
Looking like something out of R. L. Stine
It's hip-hop chowder, red over white
'Cause the Tsar's wife can't do shit tonight!
And Joseph, you were supposed to be my right-hand man
But your loyalty shriveled up like your right hand, man!
Our whole future was bright, you let your heart grow dark
And stopped the greatest revolution since the birth of Marx!

[Verse 4: Mikhail Gorbachev (EpicLLOYD)]
Knock, knock, knock, knock...
Did somebody say "birthmarks"?
Yo, I'm the host with the most Glasnost
Assholes made a mess and the war got cold
Shook hands with both Ronalds: Reagan and McDonald's, no doubt!
If your name end with "-in", time to get out!
I had the balls to let Baryshnikov dance, playa!
Torn down that wall like the Kool-Aid Man (Oh yeah!)
You two need yoga, (Дa!) you need a shower (Дa!)
And you all need to learn how to handle real power!
[Verse 5: Vladimir Putin (Nice Peter)]
Did somebody say real power?
Дa, you want to mess with me?
I spit hot borscht when I'm crushing these beats
Blow it up like a tuba while I'm balling in Cuba
Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука
I'm a president in my prime, my enemies don't distract me
The last man who attacked me lived a half-life, so, comrade, come at me
You don't know what you're doing
When you try to bust a rhyme against a mind like Putin
You'll find that the ex-KGB is the best MC in the ex-CCCP!