[Intro]
Uhh-uhh-uhh-uhh-uhh

[Verse 1]
John's rule for a successful life: if you can't go a day without slipping on a lime and cutting your dick with a cheese-grater, then you need to rethink a few things
I think that the band My Chemical Romance is a bit like Marmite: yeah, after around 2007, everyone stopped giving a shit
I've been listening to One Direction pretty much back-to-back for the past few days and I've gotta say: I think I might be gay
Nothing gives me a bigger hard-on than watching old footage from Hiroshima
Self-harm: a one-way ticket to padded cells, confined spaces and cheap-ass tranquillisers
When all else hits the shit, remember: at least you're not ginger
I think my dad has a crush on me
While it's not the most efficient method, stabbing your dog repeatedly does eventually calm it down
Nothing beats that feeling you get when you club a baby seal to death
I really want to go shopping, but I'm skint, so I guess I'll just have to stay home and slit my wrists instead
She didn't vape, so I'm pretty sure she was old enough
So I went to ask about wood-glue for my skateboard. I asked for wood-glue but the guy just gave these blue pills saying "Wood-glue"
My family told me to be sociable while waiting for my food to arrive. So, I spent the time looking at memes with my mum
My mum just had a honeycomb explosion ice cream, she said it was missing something. I think the honeycomb explosion was missing sprouts. Brussels sprouts
Hate it when a phone goes off in a film so I run to check my phone then remember I have no friends
So my laptop is broken. The screen is smashed, it obviously needs replacements. The man on the phone told me to turn it off and on again. Truly British
Have you ever tried to lick your nipple but sneezed and bitten the end off? #WhatATuesday
When you don't want to tell your parents you had friends over but they're still finding sofa cushions behind the TV and shit for the next week
Don't want to go to school, not because of bullies or work, just plainly because your mates are total *******
I can't count the times I've put music on while I'm getting ready for anything and by the time the fucking advert finishes, I'm done
I think I John Cena'd a fart out of my mate
When you go to cross a road and the cars all stop 'cause you know the traffic lights got your back
Going to flush the toilet and slipping into it, giving yourself a swirly #JustGuyThings
I'm like 90% sure murder is legal when there's good intent
When you're trying to research something like port, it's like wine, but the internet wants you to be a bad person
I bet you I don't have a gambling addiction
When relationship goals turn to squad goals because you don't know how to use a rubber
Note to self: watching Meatspin until you get motion sickness isn't a good idea
Is communism the one where everyone is the same amount of asshole?
So, I got a paperclip stuck underneath my eye, what do I do?
I might have heart disease, but I'm in bed, so it's gonna have to wait
Someone's being a dick in my house and I kick them out like "Don't trip on your ego on the way out", then I laugh at my own joke 'cause I'm sad and alone
So, I was just mugged on the way home, they took my phone, money and credit card. Pure lad banter!
As it's Mother's Day, it'd be really nice if I could see my mum today, but they won't let her out of the asylum
Sorry, Doc', it was dark, I'm not really sure if there was blood or if it was just piss
Well, I've decided to come out of the bush. That's right, I'm straight #PullOutGameOnFleek
Pretty much 90% of my life is controlled by excessive amount of crystal meth
So the work was in for ten days ago, I had months for it to be honest, the only reason I'm doing it now is because I can't afford GTA V
Oh my God, you're like my third favourite person now. I mean, you were first, but then I remembered you're a dick
It's funny to look back on this page, how it started as an account for a media project, and now it's become a fully-fledged sub-par mockery of autism
Girl, did you fall from Heaven? Because I swear I've seen you on one of them Lynx ads
I've come to the conclusion that I identify as a sexually active turkey. I'm sorry if you don't agree with my choice but that's who I am now
I need to sneeze but I don't want sperm to come out of my nose
So, Pokémon games and heroin don't mix #TheMoreYouKnow
To be honest, if none of my vital organs have been harvested by the time I'm 26, I've done something wrong
So, if they made an app about it, do you reckon people would just grow the fuck up about euthanasia?
I think the euphoria of that half-Mexican guy going back into One Direction would cause roughly the same amount of stimulation as over 10 times the average dose of Xanax
I would like to point out that in the eyes of the law, there is an extremely fine line between tax evasion and genocide
Dislocating your knee whilst trying to give yourself a boner #InterestingBackstory
Do you like chocolate but want to watch weight? Grow up and eat a fucking carrot
When you cough so hard, you follow through #AwkwardPhoneCall
Playing violin is one of my favourite activities, it's up there with pushing pregnant women down the stairs and terrorism
[Interlude]
Jesus fucking Christ
Jesus fucking Christ

[Verse 2]
Giving yourself cancer to pull some Make-A-Wish bullshit #DreamBig
My dad told me that having an unclean room attracts spiders and now my room is fucking spotless
I'm so far up my own ass that I'm looking through my own eyes #SurrealShit (There's no "If!")
I strongly dislike goths. I mean, I would lock them in my basement, but they'd probably just build some fucking shrine
Tucking your dick between your legs and hitting yourself in the back of the head #WishIWasBornWithTitsInstead
Stabbing children is just as uncouth as stabbing adults, though somehow more sensational
I used to whack-off to dead people, but now my mum's dead, it's just not the same
So what if I listen to Carly Rae Jepsen while eating peanut butter and crying onto a semi-erect penis?
One day, I'm going to walk into the room she's in, bollock-naked, wearing a bow tie, a hat over my penis and a smile
So, I finally finished masturbating to Down syndrome. What's next on my bucket list?
As people are talking about achievements, let's talk World War II: been there, done that, got the registration number on my arm
Just had a glorious wank. My dad's gonna have a hard time cleaning that off my ceiling
Can't get away from those damn grammar Nazis, even though you can spell, you're still fucking Jewish
The bad news is: I have diarrhoea, the good news is: my father and I won't go hungry this week

[Outro]
(That was awful)