[Verse 1: Rob Riggle]
Sum' 'bout Taran just looks wrong
Like a kid that left his Ken doll in the sun too long
You got kids with Cobie Smulders, may I be bold?
How'd you meet their mother, was she wearing a blindfold?
Watched your new show, it's almost half-decent
Single Parent? Mmm, more like Single Season
Dungeons & Dragons is your favorite diversion
Tell me, how'd you have kids when you're clearly a virgin?
[Verse 1: Taran Killam]
My man Rob Riggle, man, you always make me giggle
But, like, only when you move and your man-titties jiggle
Modern Family and , what they got in common?
Both got better 'soon as Rob wasn't on 'em
Rob's range as an actor's wide as hell
He goes from characters who scream to characters that yell
You were a Marine, you've seen real gunfire and bombs
Only action I've seen is last night stormin' your moms
[Verse 2: Rob Riggle]
Wild 'N Out dropped ya, now I'm finally understandin'
You're not even a good enough rapper for Nick Cannon
I saw you on SNL, you were really sh*t
I got more laughs in one season than you did in six
Then the nineties turned in Nickelodeon shows
That's great for you, I was in Kosovo
I feel like a drill sergeant when I look at this guy
I didn't know they stack sh*t that high!
[Verse 2: Taran Killam]
You talk about my looks? You really wanna go there?
You look like dad jeans had sex with a cartoon bear
Every week for football, you do comedy productions
Because you're only funny to people with concussions
Speaking of football, something else I'd love to tackle
Your show Ski Master's, a hit if you've ever heard of Crackle
You catch me on TV, Wednesdays, once a week
But your mom catches me err night between the sheets!
[Verse 3: Rob Riggle]
Schwarzenegger's in your movies, it's his worst mistake
Worse than Batman & Robin or hiring his maid
Your wife's an Avenger and I'm a huge fan
She said in the bed you remind her of Ant-Man
You starred in Hamilton, but you're still one note
You sang "You'll Be Back," but Broadway said, "Nope!"
You got destroyed on this stage, it's over right now
Method Man said kill him, so I did, pa-pow!
[Verse 3: Taran Killam]
I played a principal in Night School, you were in student in the class
So I guess this is the second time I'm schoolin' your ass
KFC replaced you as the Colonel, said they didn't need ya
But really you were fired 'cause you're less of a man than Reba
Marines call out is "who-ah," it's really a shame
'Cause that's the same noise people make when I mention your name
"You're courageous, and a hero, and I thank you for your service"
Is what your mom said to me last night, and believe me, I deserve it