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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast

"JAP Battle [Demo]"

This is real deep beef from way back in the past
Deeper than I'll put a foot up in the crack of your ass
Alright, let's do this
Your little pals can witness how vicious
This Westchester alpha b*tch is

I'm straight up malicious, a verbal curb stomper
Since we were toddlers I've studied every chink in your armor
And between your folks' divorce and that haircut on ya
I'm really not sure which one's the bigger shondeh

That means "disgrace", I'm translating for the goys
Our lifelines have been parallel like corduroys
But now, we'll see whose bars will prevail
In this beef of two hard-as-nails Shebrews from Scarsdale

We've got a conflict of interest
I'm about to give this chick the business
Spittin' venomous hate
Penetratin' her defenses
It's a JAP battle

A what?

A Jewish American Princess
Rap battle
Daughters of privilege
Spittin' mad flow
Find that term offensive?
Too bad, yo!
Oh, snap
It's a JAP battle rap

Look, academically, you could never catch me
You were close, but no match scholastically
Nohow, no way
I put the "O.G." in "5.0 G.P.A."

Well, speaking of which, are you A.P. graded?
'Cause these days you look a bit heavily weighted
And all your book crackin' don't make up for the fact that I'm strapped
With that killer instinct that you lack
Sweetheart, here's what
You're not understanding, I'm street-smart

You mean, 'cause you minored in Urban Planning?
Please, I know you
Your tough act's a bluff
So sheket bevaka shut the f*ck up

Your temper, you lost it! Aww, cute
Like you're going to lose this lawsuit
But here's one category where you have no rival
Blowing frat guys with your AEPI-hole

And I banged your hedge fund manager fiancé
Back in college over winter holidays
Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball
And honestly, I gotta say
Really not hot at all
Small di*k, rotten lay

This is
A JAP battle
Bane of my existence
You're an as*h*le
From Golden's Bridge
To North Castle
Wipe you off the map
In this JAP battle rap

Bunch, you're a curse, you're a blight
We were frenemies at first spite
Think your verse is tight?
Then you're tripping like Birthright
I'll wipe the mirth right off your fugly mug
And fill you full of slugs like a straight up thug

Kay, I just need to tell you that's a little racist
See, I belong to the ACLU

Spare me
I'm a card-carrying member
Plus, I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?
Well, I volunteered in Ghana
Well, I guess that makes us equal
Well, it's settled then
We're both cool with black people
'Cause we're liberals
Duh, progressive as hell
Though, of course, I support Israel

Audra, wait we share so many traits
Should we shake hands and erase the hate
Created by our mothers pitting us against each other
For accolades and grades
We were egged on like Seder plates!

Nah, too late, back to business:
You know and I know
There's no way you'll win this
I won't give one inch, I'm not budgin'
Well that's some p*ss-poor judgement
An even worse choice
Than leaving New York for this shtetl
I love this Valley, and we won't settle
Oh, you want to get salty like the Dead Sea?
Word, but call off the case or you're dead, C-word

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