RACHEL [spoken]
Oh, hello. I...I totally saw you there
You know, when people think of "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend", one word comes to mind. I'm talking about..."sex". Ooooh! Did you all just collectively shudder at that nasty word?
That's right, sex. Doin' it. A special hug. Half-past hump o'clock
And so we here at Crazy Sex-Girlfriend, ha...we've prepared for you a little...sex medley

[SEXY GETTIN' READY SONG, sung]
It's the sexy gettin' medley song
The sexy gettin' medley song
Ooh, primpin' and plumpin'
Brushin' and rubbin'
The sexy gettin' medley song

First I make everything shiny and smooth (Oh yeah)
'Cause I want my body to be so soft for you (Bye-bye skin)
I'm gonna make this night one you'll never forget (Ass blood)
'Cause boy, I know you like an hourglass silhouette

[spoken]
Ooh, what's happening with my -

[WE SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW, sung]
We should definitely not have sex right now
We should definitely not have sex right now
It would complicate the situation
[VINCENT]
It's the adult thing to not have sex right now
We have the common sense not to have sex right now

[RACHEL]
I need time to reflect

[VINCENT]
And I'm in a really weird place

[RACHEL, spoken]
But you know what? Screw it

[STRIP AWAY MY CONSCIENCE, sung]
Strip away my conscience
Peel away my values
Rip off my compassion with your teeth
Pound away my morals
Spank off all my kindness (ooh!)
Expose the dormant bitch that lies beneath

[spoken]
Michael, what are you doing?

[MICHAEL]
It's a sex medley. So I'm dancing with my sexy electric toothbrushes
[RACHEL]
What are you - what - what are you - hey, what are you talking about?

[MICHAEL]
That's what that song I sang was about, right? Electric toothbrushes being so, so sexy

[RACHEL]
No, Michael - Michael -

[MICHAEL]
Ooh, yeah, buzzy-buzzy-buzzy-buzz -

[RACHEL]
Michael, no, that song was about pleasing a woman

[MICHAEL]
What's a woman?

[RACHEL, sung]
You devil, lead me to the dark side like a lamb to the slaughter
Then do me in a hot tub filled with evil 'stead of water
Let's make war, not love, all night and day
It's hot here in hell, so -

[spoken]
Oh. Uh-oh. Something just happened
Aaah. This, uh - this might not be the right time to do this medley. Unless you want to have...
[PERIOD SEX, sung]
Period sex
Period sex
Put down a towel, party 'til it's dry
With some period sex
Period sex
It's a little gross, but I'm less likely to get pregnant
Period sex
Period sex
Think of it as just Mother Nature's juice cleanse
Period sex
Period sex
Period sex, sex sex sex sex

[SCOTT, spoken]
Get off, get off the stage. C'mon. Get off. This is Scott's time now

[RACHEL]
Okay

[SCOTT]
Speaking of getting off...

[LET'S HAVE INTERCOURSE, sung]
Unfortunately, I want to have period sex with you
I don't know what happened, maybe you lost some water weight
For some reason you're now on the top of my to-do list
Let's get this over with
So I can focus on other tasks

Let's have intercourse
Just pretend I'm seducing you

[RACHEL, spoken]
Hey, actually, could we not do this big lift coming up?

[SCOTT]
Oh my god, my back hurts so bad

[RACHEL]
Good, it's just - I don't like it either. Okay

[SCOTT, sung]
Come on, let's quickly have intercourse
So I can move on with my life

[spoken]
Turn around, let's see the butt. Nice

[RACHEL, spoken]
Yeah, I know, that's what you want

[SCOTT, sung]
My busy life

You and I are both highly intelligent people

[RACHEL, spoken]
Aw, that's nice

[SCOTT, sung]
Although I'm in much better physical shape
And once we do it, it'll be like "Well, that's what that was like,"
And then you'll hopefully go back
To seeming weird to me

But right now let's have intercourse

[RACHEL, spoken]
Ow, Scott - !

[SCOTT, sung]
I mean, obviously you want to too
Just super quickly have intercourse
Good thing I happen to have an old condom in my wallet

[RACHEL, spoken]
You know what? It's a good thing you have that condom, Scott, even though it is way too big for you. Because even though I am on my period, I can still get pregnant. Because, PSA, fun fact, sperm can live in the uterus for up to five days

[PETE]
Did somebody say sperm?

[RACHEL]
Oh no

[PETE]
[MY SPERM IS HEALTHY, sung]
Uh-huh!
My sperm is healthy!
My sperm is healthy!
My sperm is healthy!
My sperm is healthy!

[spoken]
That's also another song from the show

[RACHEL]
Yep. Cool, we'll be right back
Oh. Oh, they're trying to get me pregnant! They don't know how it works!
Okay. Okay, I think this is actually a money shot. I don't...
Oh, get off me!