99 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 99 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
98 bulbs on the Christmas tree...

I hate the Christmas songs. I say I hate them, and I know it's a very, very strong word, but I really mean it. They start playing them too soon, and they play 'em way too long. You know, I'm still sick of "The Little Drummer Boy" from last year, and now they start playing it again already! Well, this is my revenge, this song. What I've done is, I've taken what I think is the worst song ever in the history of music, it's called "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"; and I've given it this Christmas motif, it's called "100 Bulbs on the Christmas Tree". I hopе it's the worst Christmas song ever, that's what I'vе set out to do. And I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed doing it to you. Until now, I think my favorite worst Christmas song of all time is "The Little Drummer Boy". Oh, when I hear that, like in November, it's "oh, here it comes, now I'm gonna listen to bam-pa-pam, pa-pam". I mean, if you live a normal lifespan, how many times you gotta listen to this "Little Drummer Boy" song? It's like a purgatory. You know, but the thing is- and he's so cute, you know, this little drummer boy. "I have no gift to give to the little baby, I guess I could play a tune for him on my drum, on my drum..." Well, I have but one question 'bout the little drummer boy: how come he didn't give him his drum? You know, I mean, the three wise men, these guys — they come all the way, like from Bulgaria, or somewhere, on a camel back, they- they don't even know where they're going. They're following a star, they say "that's the one... no, I think it's the... no, it's the- what-" you know. They come, they bring the, eh, incense, peppermint, eh... myrrh, you know, myrrh is, eh, short for Mercury. It's very, very heavy, they brought all of it from Bulgaria. But anyway, they go there, they don't say to the Mother, Jesus, Joseph, Mary; you know, "smell my incense". No, they give him the incense. The one doesn't say "look at my myrrh". No, he give 'em the myrrh. All I know is this: ten minutes later they leave, three empty handed, one still got his drum! Please! The story says that, that angel appeared to the little drummer boy, angel says "Hey, little drummer boy, look at the stars shining down on the little stable. Why don't you go down there, take your drum?" Others say, and I believe it was the devil, you know, disguised as an angel, said "Hey, little drummer boy. You wanna make some money? Take your drum down there, play a little tune, you know, bam, come they told me, bam-pa-pam; go home, write the notes as best as you can, send it off in a letter to yourself, send it to ASCAP, to BMI, register it. You could make a lot of money for the next, you know, 30 generations if you play your cards right." That's where we are today, you know, everybody has to listen to this "come they told me", not again, please

...77 bulbs on the Christmas tree
77 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 77 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
76 bulbs on the Christmas tree...

You know, the little drummer boy, he's got his little statue. You know, in the manju [?] scene they always show him with his little drum. Most of the, the little figurines in the manju scenes have their own song. Three wise men, it's called... "We Three Kings", of all... and you know that one, about them. There's a song, y' know, about the donkey, it's called "Chu-chu-chu-chu Magadolini" in Italian, I don't know what in English. And uh, I think of the cow, there's a tune; but the only one who does not have his own song, is the man with the eggs in his hat. You know, kinda leaning over and he's like, selling the eggs. It seems like, kinda weird, you know, he's a merchant at the birth of the Christ. I tried to find out who he was, you know, I asked around at the Vatican, nobody knows. He's not in the Bible, that's how far back the cover-up goes. I think maybe the reason is, that maybe he stole the eggs. That's why nobody wants to talk about him. Personally, I do not care if he stole the eggs, er, if he found them or what. I know I do not want them. I mean, who wants to eat eggs that's in his hat? Please...

...68 bulbs on the Christmas tree
68 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 68 Christmas bulbs
(Only 68 Christmas bulbs to fall to go!)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
67 bulbs on the Christmas tree
67 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 67 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
66 bulbs on the Christmas tree
66 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 66 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
65 bulbs on the Christmas tree
65 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 65 Christmas bulbs
(How many more? Oh no, God no...)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
64 bulbs on the Christmas tree
64 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 64 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
63 bulbs on the Christmas tree
63 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 63 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
62 bulbs on the Christmas tree
62 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 62 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
61 bulbs on the Christmas tree
61 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 61 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
60 bulbs on the Christmas tree
(60 Christmas bulbs to go!)
60 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 60 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
59 bulbs on the Christmas tree
59 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 59 Christmas bulbs...
Now, the Christmas song that I just don't get, everybody thinks is so great, it goes "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow." And I say "why, why, why?" You know, you have to put chains on your tires, if you're flying some place the plane's late, people get in automobile accidents... why "snow, snow, snow"? I wrote a song once, called "Frosty the Snow". And the idea is, it's about Frosty before he was a snowman, it's like the early years. And it basically was about, it's a song about rainfall, precipitation, and temperature change. You'd think this is, automatically be somethin', you know, somethin' who wanna make it. But no, they wanna make songs about, you know, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow"; not you know, "let it melt."

...52 bulbs on the Christmas tree
52 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 52 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
51 bulbs on the Christmas tree
51 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 51 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
50 bulbs on the Christmas tree
50 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 50 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
49 bulbs on the Christmas tree
49 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 49 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
48 bulbs on the Christmas tree
(Oh, you dropped two that time! Okay, now I'm just gonna-)
48 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 48 Christmas bulbs
(Add- I'm gonna go ahead and you, you just-)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
(Don't drop one to make up one, okay?)
47 bulbs on the Christmas tree
47 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 47 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
46 bulbs on the Christmas tree...

Another song I hate, it's called "Have a Holly Golly Christmas", by a man named Burl Ives, I mention him by name. Oh, when I hear that tune, "Have a Holly..." — what does this mean, anyway? "Holly Golly Christmas". I don't wanna have it, whatever it is. I know he's dead now, Burl Ives, and eh, I just wanna say anyway, that if he was alive, and I happened to be where he was, when this song came on the radio, or playing when we both were together, and I had an automatic weapon with me (which is highly unlikely, I have no guns); but *if* I did, I'd just have to say all bets would be off. You know? And who could blame me?
...41 bulbs on the Christmas tree
41 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 41 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
40 bulbs on the Christmas tree
(40 more Christmas bulbs to fall to go!)
40 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 40 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
39 bulbs on the Christmas tree...

I have tried to do a couple Christmas songs, you know, in the past. I thought "hey, everybody else gets to, you know, everybody wants to, why not me?" But, eh, it was not big hit. What I did was called "I Won't Be Twisting This Christmas". And the idea was about this fellow, who's eh, calls his girlfriend on the phone, and she says that her old boyfriend's coming back into town for Christmas. And says, y'know, "hey, call me next year", is what it comes down to. And that's why he sings "I won't be twistin' this Christmas", 'cause her boyfriend's back in town. Nobody wanted to put the song out, they said that the Twist is out. I said "It's not a Twist. It's not, it says: I won't be twisting this Christmas." They said, well, not twisting is out too, not today

...34 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 34 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
33 bulbs on the Christmas tree
33 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 33 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
32 bulbs on the Christmas tree
32 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 32 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
31 bulbs on the Christmas tree
31 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 31 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
30 bulbs on the Christmas tree
30 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 30 Christmas bulbs
(If another one of the Christmas bulbs should happen to fall)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
(You only got 30 to go!)
29 bulbs on the Christmas tree
29 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 29 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
28 bulbs on the Christmas tree
28 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 28 Christmas bulbs...
Once I had this idea about Christmas, it's called "Big Christmas, Little Christmas". And the idea was, that you celebrate Christmas big, like we do now, every year- every other year. See, and then, and the other year, you only play Christmas songs on Christmas Eve day, okay, and Christmas day, that's it. Everybody gets one little gift, you know. Called "Big Christmas, Little Christmas", even year, odd year. See, I coulda support it then, if it's, you know, doesn't come so often like it does now, and lasts so long like I said

....24 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 24 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
23 bulbs on the Christmas tree
23 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 23 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
22 bulbs on the Christmas tree
22 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 22 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
21 bulbs on the Christmas tree
21 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 21 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
(Only 20 more Christmas bulbs to go, good luck)
20 bulbs on the Christmas tree
20 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 20 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
19 bulbs on the Christmas tree...

Once or two, I did a Christmas song with Joe Walsh. It's called "Santa's Lament". And it was a song about the Santa complaining, you know, that he never gets invited to New Year's Eve. You know, any places like Thanksgiving, everybody says "Santa, Santa", you know, but by New Year's Eve, you know, nobody says "come to my house", he's forgotten, he's like yesterday's newspaper. Same thing, you know, he gets all of his letters, you know, "Dear Santa" in November, December; but never gets a Thank You note. That's what the tune's about. And in it we have Rudolf, I think he's trying to take over; and Joe does this thing with his guitar, so like "poom", you know [sound effect]. Eh, shot, you know, like a gun, we'd kill Rudolf or something. I wish we would kill them, shot them all, would be if it were me. You know, Donder, Blitzer, er, Vixen, and what's the name... Goofy, Rintin, oh yeah, Grumpy and the other one, Doper, whatever their name is. I say, shoot them all

...12 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 12 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
11 bulbs on the Christmas tree
11 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 11 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
10 bulbs on the Christmas tree
10 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 10 Christmas bulbs
(Oh, we're almost done, I can't believe it!)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
9 bulbs on the Christmas tree
(Only 10 more Christmas bulbs to fall to go)
9 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 9 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
(Only 9 more Christmas bulbs and, to go, to fall)
8 bulbs on the Christmas tree
8 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 8 Christmas bulbs
(8, I can't believe it! 8 only more to go)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
7 bulbs on the Christmas tree
7 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 7 Christmas bulbs (oh yeah)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
6 bulbs on the Christmas tree
6 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 6 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
(The worst Christmas song, and the longest one ever)
5 bulbs on the Christmas tree
5 bulbs on the Christmas tree (can't believe it), 5 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
4 bulbs on the Christmas tree
4 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 4 Christmas bulbs
(Only 4 more bulbs to fall to go!)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
3 bulbs on the Christmas tree
(I wish I coulda stick around, y'know, help to clean up all that)
3 bulbs on the Christmas tree, 3 Christmas bulbs
(But I really gotta get going, this took longer than I thought)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
2 bulbs on the Christmas tree
2 bulbs on the Christmas tree (only two more!), 2 Christmas bulbs
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
1 bulb on the Christmas tree
1 bulb on the Christmas tree, 1 Christmas bulb
(Only one more to go!)
If one of those bulbs should happen to fall
0 bulbs on the Christmas tree
(Let's hear it for yourselves! We did it!)