[Intro]
This is for anyone wishing they could do their entire life over:
Quit sulking, you fucking pussy
Yeah yeah yeah, clown on my accent all you want
I'll whoop your cat's ass. I'll whoop your grandmothers ass
I'll whoop your sisters ass. I'll whoop your ass
I'll beat your moms ass. I'll kick your ass

[Verse One]
Its the anti-socialite not-so-christian
That'll talk more shit than bitter and old women
On puny ass rappers with little-to-no rhythm
Fuck veganism give me some General Tso's Chicken
I write weird songs that got hooks like Journey
And if I grew my hair out I'd probably look like Fergie
But I'd never tinkle in my pants while I was on stage
Cause I was potty trained when I was four years of age
I think a lot of people these days are bitches
I also think that emo and emotional are different
But more so I hate white girls that talk like
"Aww hell no, girl I'm gettin' this shit crunk
You know what I'm sayin'?"
I'm not jokin', it's nothing but bark, I feel lost
Can't remember where the fuck that I parked
The world is gray and blue but what skates me through
Is knowing that I have a better music taste than you
I used to like Tool until they made the same album
That they made the last time they made the same album
Every time they make a damn album its the same album, really
And only stoners listen to their music, it's silly
I still think the Deftones are dope
And I like Nick Drake on the days I wanna let go of hope
Wilco is great and Ice-T is still clever
And no matter what its ALWAYS Wu-Tang Forever
[Hook] [x2]
Calm down baby
Don't you talk because
Calm down baby
Don't you talk because
I don't need lovin' and I don't need help
I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

[Verse Two]
I'm 25 I started rapping as a sophomore
In those days I'd hide my cigarettes in my sock drawer
Until I heard my mom snorin' sleeping on the green couch
And then I'd secretively sneak out
My first taste of heartbreak was at the park late one summer night
I had a big crush on a girl named Sarah
I was gonna ask her out until I saw Tim Phillips kissing her grabbing her butt
Asshole!
I was madder than FUCK and walked home
Oh, Tim Phillips smells like Cool Water cologne
Well fuck him, his Mustang and all his other friends
I vowed I would never love again
And since then I've dated but fuck that I can't give nothin'
I'd rather sail alone than have my damn ship sunken
Being single's par for the course
I don't wanna cause a marriage
Cause I don't wanna cause a divorce
Its probably important and its better for health
Besides, I get the whole damn bed to myself
But what the hell everybody yells for me to drop down my guard
No! this heart of mine's for me, it's locked down and it's scarred
Go home, I don't need me a wife, I'm happily single for life
Alright?
My name is Mac Sheldon I'm a fire-sign Leo
Alcoholic, anti-mall, anti-hero
Anti-soccer mom, anti-hipster
Pro-eating Captain Crunch cereal for dinner
Pro-taking bong hits to cure your depression
And pro-demo CD
If you got one let me check it
But never ask me what the hell I'm laughing about
See ya later
I'mma go take a nap on the couch, alright?
[Hook] [x2]
Calm down baby
Don't you talk because
Calm down baby
Don't you talk because
I don't need lovin' and I don't need help
I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

[Outro]
Gee, Mac... what are we gonna do about this Kansan accent of yours?
Well, self, since you're asking in the third person
We're gonna fuckin' keep it!
Because it makes us pretty... and unique... and beautiful. Like birds!

I'll whoop your mother's ass