[Verse 1: Puff Puff Humbert]
I really hate it that my family's poor; I really wish I was a rich kid
'Cause they always get all the pimped gifts for Christmas
Did I get a new Xbox? Fat chance
While Billy gets a new pony and a lap dance
Plus a tree house mansion and a jet ski
How the hell'd he get a pterodactyl? (Gets me)
I thought Christmas was awesome, on and poppin'
Till Jane got a slave and Google stock options
And I don't think you understand how it feels
To see another kid roll up in his Bentley Power Wheels like:
"Look at my new ride; Santa just bought it
He didn't get you nothing 'cause your mom's an alcoholic"
He's right, I got some underwear used by my brother
I'm like Oliver Twist, "Please may I have another?"
I opened up a present, and found an eviction notice
Man, fuck you, Santa! We're spending Christmas with the homeless!

[Chorus: Benatar]
Santa must hate the poor kids
'Cause Santa only hangs with the rich (Come on)
Santa hates poor kids
Santa hates poor kids
And if you ain't got money then he ain't coming
Nothing under your tree tonight
[Verse 2: Puff Puff Humbert]
And all I got was a charm bracelet with no charms
And a discharged G.I. Joe with no arms
And a drunk stepdad, man, I hate it here
And mom got some cigarettes and half a case of beer
We're too poor for Christmas music (we a capella)
And our Christmas tree is just a busted umbrella
With a bunch of junk glued to it, this shit is useless
And Ravi said Santa also hates you if you're Jewish

[Chorus: Benatar]
Santa must hate the poor kids
'Cause Santa only hangs with the rich (Sing it!)
Santa hates poor kids
Santa hates poor kids
And if you ain't got money then he ain't coming
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa hates poor kids

[Break: Santa Claus]
Ho ho ho

[Verse 3: Puff Puff Humbert]
Fuck you, Santa, you fat motherfucker
How'd you get so big? You been drinking butter?
Always acting jolly, I ain't buying into that
And why you always trying to get kids to sit on your lap?
I heard you touch Scottish boys under the kilt
Hey Fatty Claus, stop eating my cookies and milk!
Or I'm going to go to the North Pole and enroll you in gym class
And next year I'm leaving diet pills and SlimFast
You see me while I'm sleeping, you creep me out
And while you watching me, why you gotta take your penis out?
So bring it Santa, I'm not afraid to fight, bitch
I'll whoop your ass and take a shit on your nice list
I want to take you out in the worst way
If you're a saint, why'd you steal Jesus' birthday?
So keep your dumb gifts Santa, we don't need you
And tell the Tooth Fairy she's a cheap bitch too
[Chorus: Benatar]
Santa hates poor kids (come on)
Santa hates poor kids
And if you ain't got money then he ain't coming
Nothing under your tree tonight
Santa hates poor kids

[Outro: Puff Puff Humbert]
And God bless us everyone!
Shut the hell up Tiny Tim, you're not helping