(Presenting: The Epic Beard Men)

Let me give you, like, a ballpark estimate...
Of when the seasonal depression starts to hit
From all the darkness. (Pa, let’s get it lit!)
When the weather’s not temperate
And you welcome in the St. Nick looking bloke
But then I squad up and we squat on your settlement
Rendering Neighborhood Crime Watch irrelevant
Color coded terrorists
Black out the curtains, whitewash the evidence
When us so-called snowflakes all dropped at once, y’all got so delicate
We storm on your dorm. Locked or not, we enter it
So, yes, that door knock was etiquette
Check the door knob, how red is it?
Get your long scarf and leather mitts. Call your delegates, bittttch!
(They’re frozen stiff.)
That’s a form of shock. You’re left in it when the record skips
And you’re not intelligent enough to bluff your way up out of this comeuppance
For too long we ignored Fox’s rhetoric. Small talk with devil spit
Horns lock and heads get split for the hell of it
From the shopping malls of Sioux Falls to the Walmarts of Connecticut
To all boardwalks, war hawks of all sorts get desperate
The mom and pop shops are off limits
While the poor cop some better shit
Word to God, Jah, and Allah
They’d better be giving these mall cops some benefits!
While the stores slash their prices watch this sword chop an elephant
Leaving your stocking as desolate as a Hallmark sentiment
Fuck a sawed off, I’m at a callbox with a medical kit
But it still isn’t against the law to pop a metal clip (believe that shit?)
I’m catching a second wind. Want me to call off the rest of the hit?
Meet our demands, meet all our fans, this ain’t a goddamn war on Christmas…
That’s ridiculous
That’s just the day when it happens
This is quite obviously a war on capitalism!
War on socialists!
War on relatives!
War on bratty kids!
War on red hats!
War on television!
War on radiooooo!
It is what it is…
War on Christmas

Well it's the Ghost of Solstice future, spooking consumers
Pagan runes are all up in your mini-mall!
No tree in my city hall! No glee in my heart at all!
Militant, the God of War, suited up: black boots and gloves
Numerous troops in a mood to remove some stuff!
Fools tell us to compromise the mission
Aim it at your North Pole
With surface to air precision!
Can you dig it?
No mistletoe (oh?)
But we got issues though (yo!)
Cold as a blizzicane
Splinter brigade!
Trained to confiscate your killer tape!
Jingles will DISINTEGRATE quick!
So Kringle this Kris!
You on my hit list!
Stay on my Grinch shit!
I do not give gifts!
That's why I'm rich, kids!
Fuck it, it's on like a... Fitbit or a flipped switch when the 25th hits
Giving dipshits conniption fits
Division sparks the outrage
At the Walmart when the doors part
And we all stop and about face
'Til the elves get a proper wage...
Fuck em
Tell em "Happy Holidays
‘Cause we’re tired of telling lies, pretending it wasn't true
Revolution televised, live on Fox News!
We're coming for Santa Claus and your nativity too!
You wanna declare war? We're gonna give it to you!
Now it's the War On Retail!
War on UPS!
War on Mariah Carey!
War on Gingerbread!
War on Consumer Debt!
War on Tradition!
War on
War on
War on
Christmas!