[Verse 1: Paul Bunyan]
You should’ve caught me on a different day
Unless you’re fishing logs, you should put those grippers away (Goddamn!)
I’ll pull the stick and turn you into a saint
Still make a bigger splash than you when I piss in the lake
Tell your Jiminy Cricket that you ain’t fit for the visit
Because he’s looking for a minister, this hillbilly isn’t
You diet’s so damn acidic you’re probably riddled with rickets
Instead of picking them apples you should be picking a clinic
You must be packed with ulcers you fragile loner
You’re the first pothead to always pass out sober
Christian missionary, you’re like half a soldier
That’s a culture too aggro for agriculturе
Is that a skunk on your goddamn hands and shoulders?
Or just your rancid odor, it really isn’t a wonder you nеver
Danced with folks and ladies pass you over
Sanctimonious, your seed is for the plants to grow with

[Verse 2: Johnny Appleseed]
I keep the field busy, but why are you talking?
Instead of getting a real Babe, you blue oxen
Unraveled all the mingling you did before you packed up
Broke the ice with all these people just to ditch them for Alaska
I’m prominent forever as a real life hero
Accomplishments you’ve ever had in real life: zero
Too big for your boots since you were a year old
I bet they used the American flag to clean your ear holes
Cause you’re a stain on the nation, and I’m a national treasure
Talking pennywise, you’re nothing but an asset for terror
Yeah, I know a bad apple when I see one
Maybe branch out cause your crew’s up a tree stump
[Verse 3: Paul Bunyan]
His people skills are criminal, he plants and bails
Afraid they’ll pull his drawers up past his wagon trail
He’s planting Red Delicious, throw this man in jail
Gotta be the first time a stock in Apple failed
Look at little baby Johnny as he’s trying a taste
Getting humbled by reality like a pie to the face
I can’t imagine all the time he’ll a-waste
Tryna' make Indiana look like prime real estate
No matter how many times you keep on bringing em back
I’ll still clear a season’s work with just one swing of the axe
And I ain’t tryna battle, damn, I didn’t even attack
I just sneezed, knocked this plantation clean off the map

[Verse 4: Johnny Appleseed]
These folks don’t wanna see you drag your hobnails through shrubbery
Everyone who listens to your tall tales looks up to me
Paul fails to trouble me, I’m living in honor
I’m not a drinking man, but I’m about to finish this logger
Machines took our jobs and they say the world is heating up
My trees do their best so that the seasons keep from speeding up
But please tell me why you blame the engines when you eat enough
To leave bigger carbon footprints than a fleet of trucks
Your teamwork sucks, you break everything your palms touch
They must’ve asked you to bring insurance to the potluck
Ever since logging off, you’re pining for some sawdust
Your story ends just how it began, Paul is washed up