[Verse 1: Santa Claus (Chase Beck)]
I'm dropping off some gifts before you start the apocalypse
'Cause Ol' Saint Nick don't play with H-E-double hockey sticks
Deceiving all the humans that you're so below
So I'll clean the Garden of Eden up like a hoe, hoe, hoe!
You were given all of Heaven's beauty, so what did you lose it for?
Let's make Lucifer a few trimmers so he can lose the fur
Staged rebellion 'cause you weren't cared for like God?
Gambled your future with those snake eyes and your pair of dice lost
When I'm inside chimeneys, surrounded in smoke
I may be high on rooftops, but I can smell you're brim-stoned (Brim-stoned!)
So like it's a church, I'll be confessing the truth
When all it takes to vanquish your sin is to step in a booth
And you're the bringer of light? Say that reminds me
I got a job for your bottom at the top of my pinetree
You specialise in phoney scams. I specialise in long letters
They tell me you're not a villain, you're just a call centre (Hah!)

[Verse 2: Satan (Freshy Kanal)]
It's the path of Satan that you've crossed with
Check Faust's contract, see how I deal with Clauses (Oh, yeah)
I fell from the heavens and got a new life
You fell from a roof... and fucking died
Worship me you sad hoax spread at Christmas time
I was made to rule over you; I'm the prince of lies
You're not made to guide a human through their childhood
'Cause they don't know if you exist; they just fear that I could
There's no visit if your parents don't have bucks to spend
Swig a glass of milk, 'cause you're favouring the 1%
You witness struggle and then step away
Tiny Tim won't walk when you're handing him a candy cane
Spying on resting children; you're always watching
Must be a treat to stuff your nights with Christmas "stalking"
Everything about you is a scheme to net dough
Led by a red nose, fitting when you represent Coke
It's boxing day, when they punch the clock just to not get paid
And I'm the snake, yet Claus escaped on his sleigh when the audits came
How awful, I'll offer a proper wage and gold benefits
Sign here, it'll be your last will and Old Testament
[Verse 3: Santa Claus (Chase Beck)]
You couldn't make me sign that while hanging over your lava
Want me to sell my soul? I thought the devil wears prada!
I circle the equator, drop presents around the nations
You couldn't make a starving man give into temptation
You went from burning girls in Salem to persecuting gay folks
Sprouted those horns because you're nothing but a scape-goat
Up in the clouds, you were handed it all
Until you let your ego grow, and you got decked out the halls
You had your entire wishlist get checked off by God
But you only became worth writing down when you fell off
Just because you spent your time with guys out fiddling kids
It doesn't mean you have the skills to try out-fiddling kids
The Bible says a thief must provide for restitution
But you acted as your own judge and you still chose execution!

[Verse 4: Satan (Freshy Kanal)]
They praised your day, now it frightens the devout
Why, you've left it like a postcard with Christ X'd out
Caused the world to stray from God, but turns out after all
You moved the pastor's tradition with kids into the mall
Wring families dry 'til there's a sacrifice made
They'll pay whatever costs like it's Black Magic Friday
Corrupted the day of being grateful and you dare say I'm the Devil?!
All you've done was damn the Christmas spirit to my level
So try to forbid me, your efforts are fruitless
You're chewing on cookies, I'm gnawing on Judas
You need an Eve to cheer up the world's needy?
I just needed Eve and I doomed the whole species