(Spoken)
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Yeah, I'll get this Chobani yogurt with no spoon to eat it with, please

[CHARLIE]
Yeah, and I'd like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off

[CLERK]
Alright, a 15 dollar Dasani water, extra plastic

[CHARLIE]
And you know what? I will grab, uh, the sushi, too

[CLERK]
I'm sorry?

[CHARLIE]
This, uh, sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that's sitting in the display case next to the ham-and-cheese panini

[CLERK]
You're s-sure you want to eat the sushi?

[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
You're buying sushi at LaGuardia Airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

[CHARLIE]
Well, I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man
[CLERK]
Your wish is my command, ke-mo sah-bee. Oh, Phantom of LaGuardia, why don't you tell this fine young man how he'll feel after he eats our sushi?

[to the tune of “The Phantom of the Opera” from “The Phantom of the Opera”]

[PHANTOM]
In dreams, it's haunting you
That fish you ate
The expiration date
Is in 1-8
And still you're choosing it
As food for plane
The Phantom of the Bathroom is there
It smells insane

[CHEF]
I am the sushi chef
That made that roll
The fish inside of it
Crawled out a hole
Yet you're consuming it
This great mistake
You'd honestly be so much better off
Eating a Wuhan snake

(Spoken)
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Is he supposed to be a pigeon?
[CLERK]
No, he's one of the geese that took down Sully's plane

[PHANTOM]
Miracle on the Hudson? More like Massacre in the Sky

[CHARLIE]
There's just a bird loose in the terminal?

[CLERK]
Of course there is. Haven't you been to LaGuardia before?

[to the tune of “America” from “West Side Story”]

I like to wait at LaGuardia
Lots of delays at LaGuardia
Too small for planes at LaGuardia

[PHANTOM]
Watched a man die at LaGuardia

[CHEF]
Baggage claim carousels clink, clank

[CLERK]
Outlets are there for a cool prank
[CHEF]
Ha-ha!
Loose wires hang from the ceiling

[PHANTOM]
Gives you a skanky old feeling

[CLERK, CHEF, PHANTOM, FLIGHT ATTENDANT, RAT]
I like to be at LaGuardia
It's hard to breathe at LaGuardia
We have Hep C at LaGuardia
Who can we blame for LaGuardia?

(Spoken)
[AUNTIE ORPHAN ANNIE]
I'll tell you who you can blame!

[CLERK]
Auntie Orphan Annie?

[to the tune of “Tomorrow” from “Annie”]

[AUNTIE ORPHAN ANNIE]
When anything's bad, De Blasio
Throw your hands up and say, “De Blasio”
You'll feel shame
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
But it still feels like De Blasio
Is to blame

[CHEF]
Why are there bike lanes on the tarmac?

[AUNTIE ORPHAN ANNIE]
But the taxis must stay three miles away

[CLERK, CHEF, PHANTOM, AUNTIE ORPHAN ANNIE]
De Blasio, De Blasio
The cops hate De Blasio
He'll keep Amazon away

(Spoken)
[CLERK]
And look! Here comes the crying baby about to board a transcontinental flight

[to the tune of “Cool” from “West Side Story”]

[BABY]
Goo, ga
Goo, goo, ga
I'll scream and cry, boy
Got a stripper
In my diaper
It's a stinky stool, boy!

(Spoken)
[CLERK]
Just play it cool, unaccompanied baby, real cool

[BABY]
If my parents are looking for me, which they're not, I'll be in the kids' playground that's also a pet relief area

[CLERK]
Wow, they let a baby through security

[GUY WHO TRAVELS IN PAJAMAS]
Did someone say security?

[CLERK]
Hello, Guy Who Travels in Pajamas

[GUY WHO TRAVELS IN PAJAMAS]
That's right! I dress so that TSA can have easy access to my body

[to the tune of “Defying Gravity” from “Wicked”]

So if you care to search me
I'll spread my legs real wide
I'll even bend over for you
You can take a peek inside

You can tell that I enjoy security
You can search way up in my cavity
You can pat me down
You don't have to use the front of your hands

(Spoken)
[CLERK]
Okay, Jesus, we get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now

[GUY WHO TRAVELS IN PAJAMAS]
How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

[CLERK]
That's where everyone at LaGuardia's going, like it or not

[GUY WHO TRAVELS IN PAJAMAS]
Aaah!

[UNITED AIRLINES GATE ATTENDANT]
Attention, we have a gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A7, your new gate is G46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time, and the plane will leave empty. Thank you!

[CHARLIE]
Man, I told you we should have left out of JFK

[PROFILED ASIAN]
And I guess I should have stayed home

[CLERK]
Ah!

[PROFILED ASIAN]
Oh, relax, I'm not sick. I'm just a

[to the tune of “Suddenly Seymour” from “Little Shop of Horrors”]

Profiled Asian
Standing beside you
If I cough, then it's over
You'll get off the plane

Profiled Asian
No, I wasn't in Parasite
I know the virus is bad, but
It's coming from Italy, too

(Spoken)
[CHARLIE'S FRIEND]
Man, this airport is its own world

[CLERK]
Yes, a third world

[BAGGAGE HANDLER]
And if you stay here long enough, and if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia

[CLERK]
Why it's the baggage handler who tosses everyone's suitcase into Long Island Sound

[BAGGAGE HANDLER]
That's right, and you should know that

[to the tune of “Road to Nowhere” by “Talking Heads”]

[ALL]
We're on a plane to nowhere
Come on inside
They say it's about to take off
That is a lie
Sure, it will start to taxi
But then it comes back
We're on a road to our motel
Overnight
Where's my flight?