[Intro – call and response with Paul McDermott leading, and Richard Fidler and Tim Ferguson answering]
Is he the crocodile?
(No!)
Is he the crock o' shit?
(No!)
Is he the Crocker, Barry?
(Yeah!)

The Crocker-Barry!
(Crocker-Barry!)
Crocker-Barry!
(Crocker-Barry!)
Crocker-Barry
Crocker, Barry Crocker!
(TF – spoken:) Right here on The Money or the Gun – Mr. Barry Crocker!

[*Applause*]

[Verse 1 – Barry Crocker singing]
There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to Heaven
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can gеt what she came for
[Spoken skit – Paul McDermott]
Oh, that – sorry about that Barry. John! Could you stop it? Therе's a great performer there working. And you're just talking all the way through it! Now, have a bit of decency for someone else. Please? Stop it

Now, everyone else. 'A lady'. Who is the lady that Barry's talking about? I mean, that's a question that we've all asked ourselves. To really understand this song, you've got to listen to it – not only with your mind – but with your heart. Who is that lady?

If you examine the text of this piece. Then you find that lady is none other than Miss Shirley Bassey

Take it away Barry!

[Verse 2 – Barry Crocker singing]
There's a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cos you know sometimes words have two meanings

[Spoken skit – Tim Ferguson and Richard Fidler]
(TF:) Barry's right. Words have two meanings. They're called simil-hominies. Richard, what's an example?

(RF:) Well, there's the word 'there', for instance. As in – isn't that their house, over there? There's two uses for the one word, Tim

(TF:) Certainly is! And there are many other words that have two meanings. Like 'hump', 'shag', 'root', 'pork'!

(PM:) Take it away, Barry!

[Verse 3 – Barry Crocker singing]
And it's whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter
[Chorus – Barry Crocker singing]
Oh, it makes me wonder
(PM and TF – spoken:) It makes Barry wonder!
Ooooh! It makes me wonder!

[Verse 4 – Doug Anthony Allstars singing, with Barry Crocker's spoken interjections]
(If there's a bustle in your hedgerow)
(Don't be alarmed, now)

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow...

(It's just a spring clean for the May Queen)

If I may have a moment... That of course comes from the Latin: 'Bustula in your fence'
(Yes, there are two paths you can go by)

First used in Shakespeare's wonderful play –
(But in the long run)

The Taming of the Shrew, where his wonderful character Puck –
(There's still time to change the road you're on)

[Chorus – format continues as above]
Said to the lovely Lady Hamlet...
(Oooh!)
"May I put my bustle in your hedgerow?"
(And it makes me wonder!)

And I think we can see, in the lyrics from Plant...
(Baby baby)

Planting that image – to make you wonder
(Oooh... Ahh!)

Makes you wonder
(Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!)

[Bridge – Doug Anthony Allstars sing backup, Barry Crocker sings loudly]
(And as we wind on down the road)
Oh, we wind on down the road!
(Our shadows taller than our souls)
Oh, taller than our souls!
(There walks a lady we all know)
Oh, lady we all know!
(Who shines white light and wants to show)
Ohhh! To show!
(How everything still turns to gold...)
(Finger!)

(And if you listen very hard! Whoa!)
Ohh!
(The tune will come to you at last)
Come to you at last!
(When all are one and one is all)
Oh, then you rooock!
(To be a rock and not to roll)

(BC – spoken:) To be a rock and not to roll...
[DA Allstars all gasp]
(TF – spoken:) Sounds like bullshit, Barry...

[Outro – Barry Crocker singing]
And she's buying a stairwa-ah-ah-ay
To-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh...
He-ey-eh-eh-heh
Hey, yeah, yeah - yeah-yay-yeah-eh!
Yeah-uh, ay-yeah!
Hey-uh-yay-ayyy, ooh-ooh! Ah...
La-la, gih-hi-la
Ha-va-nah, hi-ee, la
Hand build a stair-way
To paradise!
With a new step
That's when good neighbors
Become...
She's buying a stairway to Heaven!!!

(DA Allstars – spoken:) Barry Crocker! Ladies and gentlemen – Mr. Barry Crocker!!!