I was walking on the waters, just minding my own
When a crowd of sandal-wearers saw - and put me on a throne
I said “Lord! Please won’t you leave me alone?”
As evening fell I scarpered and finally found my way back home

So I was cooking up some dinner for my mother and me
She cooked some loaves I got some fishes from the sea of Galilee
She said “Lord - there must be five thousand people outside!”
I did my best to feed them, then I jumped out of the window to hide

I snuck off to the garden thinking “boy what a week!”
When this man I barely knew came up and kissed me on my cheek
I said “Lord! I’m flattered but I’m not made that way!”
These Centurions sprang from nowhere and said it was a crime to be gay

I spent a week in a cell that was hotter than hell
And the less said the better about the terrible smell
And my Daddy came to visit but he wouldn’t stand my bail
He said “have you never really wondered why your skin is so pale?”
You’ll have to ask your mother - but I suspect another.”
You could have struck me with a feather, but I shrugged and thought “whatever”
Mother came to see me as I hung around Golgotha
I tried my best to get an answer but I couldn’t get one off her
And if I’m being honest I was kind of sick of all the grief
So when the soldier pierced my side it was a sort of a relief
And I said “Oh Lord - take me home!”
So I ascended to heaven on some magical stairs
And the guy who was up there had a beard and white hair
He said “Son… sit at my right hand on this chair.”
I cried for three days and three nights and he said: “Christ - I’m sending you back down there!”

So that’s where I am now, I'm just stuck with you people
As you dangle me from walls and stick me on your steeples
I say “Lord! Don’t you people have any taste?
Besides you’ve got my eyes wrong - and really that ain’t the size of my waist”