[DARREN]
Underneath these stairs
I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin
My uncle and my aunt
I can't believe how cruel they are
And it stings my lightning scar
To know they'll never
Ever give me what I want

I know I don't deserve these
Stupid rules made by the Dursleys
Here at Privet Drive
Can't take all of these muggles
But despite all of my struggles
I'm still alive!

(spoken)
Everybody ready for this?
Alright, AJ let's go

[AJ, spoken]
Two, three, four!

[DARREN]
I'm sick of summer and this waiting around
Man, it's September so I'm skipping this town
Hey it's no mystery
There's nothing here for me now
I gotta get back to Hogwarts
I gotta get back to school
I gotta get myself to Hogwarts
Where everybody knows I'm cool

Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need
At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
I think I'm going back

I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry
Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky
No way this year anyone's gonna die
And it's gonna be totally awesome
I'll cast some spells with the flick of my wand
Defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!
And do it all with my best friend, Ron
'Cause together we're totally awesome

[JOEY]
Yeah, 'cause together we're totally awesome!

(spoken)
Did somebody say Ron Weasley?
[DARREN, spoken]
Ron!

[JOEY, spoken]
Hey, buddy, I am so sorry I'm late. I had to go pick up some floo power, but come on, let's get your trunk and let's go!

[DARREN, spoken]
Wait, where are we going?

[JOEY, spoken]
To Diagon Alley of course!

[DARREN & JOEY, spoken]
Floo powder power! Floo powder power! Floo powder power!

[JOEY]
It's been so long, but we're going back
Don't go for work, don't go there for class

[DARREN]
As long as we're together

[JOEY]
Gonna kick some ass

[DARREN & JOEY]
And it's gonna be totally awesome!
This year we'll take everybody by storm
Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm
[BONNIE]
But let's not forget
That we need to perform well in class
If we want to pass our O.W.L.s!

[DARREN & JOEY, spoken]
Whoah, whoah, whoah! Hey!

[DARREN, spoken]
Oh, my wizard God!

[JOEY, spoken]
Okay, Hermione-

[BONNIE, spoken]
Oh, let's focus, guys

[JOEY, spoken]
Why do you gotta be such a buzzkill?

[BONNIE, spoken]
Ugh, because, guys, school's not all about fun and games

[JOEY, spoken]
What?!

[BONNIE, spoken]
We gotta study hard if we wanna be good wizards and witches!

[JOEY, spoken]
Prove it

[BONNIE, spoken]
Come on! Honestly!

(sung)
I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart
Check out my grades, they're 'A's for a start
What I lack in looks, well I make up in heart
And well guys, yeah that's totally awesome!
This year I plan to study a lot

[JOEY]
That would be cool if you were actually hot

[DARREN]
Hey, Ron! Come on!
We're the only friends that she's got

[JOEY]
And that's cool

[BONNIE]
And that's totally awesome

[JOEY]
Yeah, it's so cool

[DARREN, JOEY & BONNIE]
Yeah, it's totally awesome!

[DARREN, spoken]
It's totally awesome

[DARREN, JOEY & BONNIE]
We're sick of summer and this waiting around
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found
Don't take no sorcery for anyone to see how

We gotta get back to Hogwarts
We gotta get back to school
We gotta get ourselves to Hogwarts
Where everything is magic-cool!

Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need
At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
I think we're going back

[JAIME, spoken]
Ron! You were supposed to use those sickles mom gave you for my robe fitting!

[JOEY, spoken]
Shh, shh, shh…

[DARREN, spoken]
W-Who is this?

[JOEY, spoken]
Uh, this is just eh- stupid, dumb, little sister, Ginny. Ginny this is Harry, Harry Potter

[DARREN, spoken]
Hi

[JAIME, spoken]
W-Whoah. You're Harry Potter

[DARREN, spoken]
Yeah, yeah that's me. How you doin'?

[JAIME, spoken]
You're the boy who lived!

[JOEY, spoken]
No, no! Come on, don't crowd the famous friend

[LAUREN, spoken]
Did someone say Draco Malfoy?

[JOEY, spoken]
Great

[DARREN, spoken]
Ugh. Draco, what are you doing here?

[LAUREN, spoken]
Well, well, well. Harry Potter. Back for another year of Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and end up with a higher calibre of wizard

[DARREN, spoken]
Dream on, Malfoy. Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole wide world. I wouldn't trade 'em for anything

[LAUREN, spoken]
Have it your way. Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!

(sung)
This year, you bet, gonna get out of here
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near
I'll have the greatest wizard career
It's gonna be totally awesome
Look out world for the end of the day
When everyone will do
(audience) Whatever I say!
And Potter won't be in my way
And then I'll be the one who is totally awesome

[JIM]
Yeah, you'll be the one who is totally awesome!

[BONNIE, spoken]
Come on, guys, we're gonna miss the train!

[ALL]
Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?
Hand me a glass, let the butter beer flow

[DARREN]
Maybe, at last, I'll talk to Cho!

[JOEY]
Oh no, that'd be way too awesome!

[ALL]
We're back to learn everything that we can
It's great to come back to where we began
And here we are! And Alakazam!
Here we go this is totally awesome!

[DARREN, spoken]
Five, six, seven, eight!

[ALL]
Come on and teach us everything you know
The summer's over and we're itching to go

[RICHARD]
I think we're ready for, Albus Dumbledore!

[ALL]
Ahhh...

[DYLAN]
Welcome...!
All of you to Hogwarts
I welcome all of you to school
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
We've got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome hotties, nerds and tools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
I'd like to go over a couple of rules

(spoken)
My name is Albus Dumbledore and welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts. But before we get started with the big ole' yummy feast, we gotta get all you cute little first years sorted. Basically I'm gonna put anybody that looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care

[TYLER, spoken]
Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!

[DYLAN, spoken]
What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

[ALL]
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love and it's all that I need
At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

[DARREN, spoken]
Everybody! Whoo!

[ALL]
Back to spells and enchantments
Potions and friends

[GRYFFINDORS]
To Gryffindor!

[HUFFLEPUFFS]
Hufflepuff!

[RAVENCLAWS]
Ravenclaw!

[SYLTHERINS]
Slytherin!

[ALL]
Back to the place where our story begins
At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

[DYLAN]
I'm sorry what's it's name?

[ALL]
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

[DYLAN]
I didn't hear you kids!

[ALL]
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

[DARREN]
Man, I'm glad I'm back!