[Verse 1]
We're not marching off to war
We're marching on one spot
We make so bold as to do just what we're told
Ask us what we're frightened of, we'll answer, "What yer got?"
Corporal Cook has got a cough
Sergeant Smith feels sad
I do me best to get through every test
But something's wrong, I'm feeling strong
Perhaps I'm going mad

[Pre-Chorus]
Try to get a grip, relax the upper lip
Keep it gloomy and be glad

[Chorus]
Health and safety is your only wealth
Chide me, chafe me, save me from meself
I'm thе scum, I'm the fool
Wants me mum, give mе someone to send me back to school
Health and safety, what's it all about?
Put that pint down, stub the gasper out
Knock me down, lock me down, strewth and flippin' 'eck
It's always the working man gets it in the neck

[Verse 2]
When we go out on patrol
We keep ourselves in check
No time to free a cat stuck up a tree
You might get fleas or allergies or fall and break your neck
Don't jump off that riverbank
To save a drowning man
Think what you'd get, apart from soaking wet
Might as well jump from the fire into the frying pan
[Pre-Chorus]
Stay just slightly stressed, you know it's for the best
They're always going to have a plan

[Chorus]
Health and safety is your only wealth
Chide me, chafe me, save me from meself
I'm the scum, I'm the fool
Wants me mum, give me someone to send me back to school
Health and safety, what's it all about?
Put that pint down, stub the gasper out
Knock me down, lock me down, strewth and flippin' 'eck
It's always the working man gets it in the neck

[Bridge]
So count yourself as blessed
'Cause they know what is best
They're always going to have a plan
Well, aren't they?

[Chorus]
Health and safety is your only wealth
Chide me, chafe me, save me from meself
Knock me down, lock me down, strewth and flippin' 'eck
It's always the working man gets it in the neck