When I was just a little lad, I wasn't good for much
Me father said I'd always be a slob
The girls would tell me you can look, but oh, you'll never touch
The boys would look, then punch me in the gob!

Well nowadays, some people make a fortune playing sports
From running 'round and rolling in the mud
But I wouldn't swap me jacket for a racquet and some shorts
And I never did enjoy the sight of blood!

But I've a friend called Frank
Who's working in a bank
But lives for his game of rugby
With ten left toes
And a cauliflower nose
He swears that it keeps him young... No!

The sporting lifе is not for me
I'd rather be a donkеy or a monkey up a tree
I'll sweep the street
I'll mince the meat
Do anything at all
But don't make me kick another ball!

My teachers always hated me, I was a sickly brat
They said, 'You're for the high jump' – and I was!
They thought that being tall and thin, I might be good at that
But I ran up to the line, and there I 'froz'!
But I've a pal called Paul
Who loves a cricket ball
The sound that it makes on willow
He shows no fear
And hits one once a year
In matches that last that long... No!

The sporting life is not for me
I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree
I'll sweep the street
I'll mince the meat
Do anything at all
But don't make me kick another ball!

There was a time I thought I might have made a bunch of friends
They dragged me to a soggy patch of grass
They started running 'round and well, you know how this one ends
They lost the ball and kicked me up the field!

But I've a mate called Mac
Who goes to the track
And drinks 'til he thinks he's sober
He takes his pay
And chucks it all away
And thinks that he's having fun... No!
The sporting life is not for me
I'd rather be a donkey or a monkey up a tree
I'll sweep the street
I'll mince the meat
Do anything at all
But don't make me kick another ball!

Back then your mum would say be careful what you do
Don't have to jump around
You're not a kangaroo
Meanwhile your dad said if they kick you, kick 'em back!
And give us all a real good laugh

Well, nowadays I've mellowed, and I say just let 'em play
And I don't get into quite so many brawls
It's wonderful, that there's so many games for kids today
That is, providing that they've got the balls

Now I've a boy called Bill
Who loves to climb a hill
And fly down when he's got skis on
I've said by heck
You'll break yer bloomin' neck
But that never stopped no one... No!

The sporting life is not for me
I'd rather be a monkey or a donkey up a tree
I'll sweep the street
I'll mince the meat
Do anything at all
But don't make me kick another ball!