[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
It's very rare that I have to recommend a TOSGANO

[HELEN, spoken]
What's a TOSGANO?

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
That's my little acronym

[HELEN, spoken]
What's it stand for?

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
This one sucks, get a new one

(sung)
You've got a dog, but the situation's hairy
And by that, I mean naughty
And it's getting pretty scary
It don't act like a pet, no
This is a TOSGANO
Let me spell it out for you
It's T-O-S-G-A-N-O

This one sucks, get a new one
[HELEN]
It sucks, it sucks so friggin' much
It sucks so friggin' much

[AUGUSTUS]
This one sucks, get a new one

[HELEN]
I can't get rid of it fast enough
I can't get rid of it fast enough

(spoken)
You don't need a license to be a pet therapist, do you?

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
No, ma'am

[HELEN, spoken]
So, under what circumstances would you recommend a TOSGANO?

[HELEN & AUGUSTUS]
Is it like, is it like if it pees wherever it pleases? Eh
Won't get a job and watches too much TV? Uh-uh
What if it gives you a dumb, blank stare? Nope
Or flashes his lipstick out of nowhere?
[AUGUSTUS]
That does suck, but it's not enough
For a TOSGANO guarantee, an H-A-B is what you need

[HELEN, spoken]
Another acronym?

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
Yes

[HELEN, spoken]
Which stands for?

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
"Hazardous Antisocial Behavior"

[HELEN, spoken]
Which means?

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
Biting, but Shampagne's never bitten anyone, right?

[HELEN]
Hmm
This therapist's breath is stinkin'
Like a dirty dog, but it's got me thinkin'
There's a plan cooking in my Helen melon, that could be fruitful
How to get rid of that shitzadoodle
All my dreams will come to pass
If I can get Shampagne to bite Bitsy's ass
[BITSY]
Oh my God, my puppy's growling at me
And it's got me yellin'
Who's gonna save me? Helen!

[AUGUSTUS & HELEN]
This one sucks, get a new one

[HELEN]
It sucks, it sucks so friggin' much
It sucks so friggin' much

[AUGUSTUS & HELEN]
This one sucks, get a new one

[HELEN]
I can't get rid of it fast enough
I can't get rid of it fast enough
Hehehe

[AUGUSTUS, spoken]
Why are you laughing? Is it because of my job?

[HELEN, spoken]
Yes, let's say yes