[HELEN, spoken]
You know, it does do something, that's impressive

[MAYOR, spoken]
You're kidding, wow

[ASHLEY, spoken]
Yep, and we're just getting started

[ASHLEY] (BITSY)
Convincing this city to like this old biddy
Is the hard job I'm here to do
Now, as we've established
You smile like a catfish
And your resting face looks like
You're taking a poo

The Strangler outpolled you
In case no one told you
That's what's called losing the race
So before the hard-hitting
The first step's admitting
New York doesn't like your face

First up, Bitsy Brandenham
Twitter, TikTok, Instagram
The Big Apple thinks you're the pits
(I don't need to)
Bitsy, listen to this
They think you're shysty
(I'm flirty and feisty)
That's just the Long Island iced tea
(With Bloody Mary mix)
It's not okay
What the bloody mayor is trying to say
Is New York doesn't like your face
They spit you out because they've got New Yorkers' taste
They look at you and smell a rat
And they had enough of those
No one can stand you
We've got to rebrand you
New haircut, heritage, pronouns, clothes

Aesthetically, it's looking bleak
Haute couture should make you pop
Sit front row at Fashion Week
Then tweak the pictures with Photoshop
All we need is one good public stunt
With just the perfect words
That will lead New Yorkers to accept the little polished turd

New York doesn't like your face
We've got to give them something better to embrace
Devise a plan to make them stand you
That's what it's all about
Bitsy, it's the only way to cultivate the clout

Haven't you ever wondered, dear
Why your staff all carry cans of Mace?
New York doesn't like your face