[Verse 1: Mike]
I wanna say up front:
I love my lady
She's my light when the skies are rainy
We fucking daily but she's...
Uh, how do I put this
She's fucking crazy!
I swear, she's too possessive
Her paranoia is too excessive
Always on the hunt for some kind of scandal
Let me give you an example
I'm chilling on the couch
With a bowl of Cap'n Crunch
The two of us on Netflix
Catching up on The Walking Dead
Expecting to get head
Turn to my girl and notice that
Her face is beet red
And she said, "Who this bitch?
Why you liking all of her Insta pics?
You tryna double-tap that ass
Behind my back?
Well, you being a savage
And I won't have it!"
I'm like, "Quit bugging!
That's my cousin
She runs a country club in Dublin
That's on the other side of the ocean
So, to negate your notion
No shit, me and her ain't fucking!"
But she's like, "I'm not convinced
Everything I say, you contradict
What, am I not enough?
I'm hot as fuck!
Too thick to resist
But you won't commit!
Fuck you, fuck her
And you don't get to fuck this!"
She slammed the door
And flipped her shit
Now her pink slit is off limits
And I don't even know what I did
But I still gotta get my rocks off
So I grabbed a cab and got dropped off
When my cock's soft
And my balls blue
I know who to make that call to, my...
[Chorus: Zach Hassel]
Side hoe
Give her a call when my
Girl won't
Fondle my balls
No conditions
No strings are attached
So I can just get ass
From my side hoe

[Verse 2: Saverio]
I wanna say up front:
My girl's sweet
But she's too vanilla
I need a freak
So I gave my side hoe a beep
And I told her to surprise me
An hour later I'm
Hitting my side hoe from behind
I call her teeth, because the bitch grinds
Hear a weird noise
Look up and I find
Is...
That a fucking goat?
Why is there a fucking goat in this room?
"You did tell me to surprise you
But that's for later, babe
Just be patient
It'll be amazing!"
I'm like, "No bitch
Tell me what the goat is for."
She like, "Okay, keep your pants on."
Which was ironic
Cause I didn't have my pants on
She left the room and went upstairs
Leaving me and the goat alone
Locked in a dead stare
That's when I realized that
Me and this goat are in the same boat
Something was about to happen to us
But we didn't know what
I'm as confused as the goat is
Me and that animal
Had a real bro moment
Then I hear the side hoe come back
I turn around like, "The fuck is that?"
She's wearing a blowup suit
In the shape of a foot
And I'm like, "This can't be good."
Suddenly she pulls a Glock out of nowhere
I scream like a bitch, but I don't care
She held the gun up
Two shots
Pop! Pop!
I didn't get shot
But the goat dropped
I'm in shock, this bitch is heartless
Side hoe says "Go fuck its carcass!"
"Hell no! That's fucked up!
I'm dipping, bitch! I've had enough!"
So I went home to my girl
And politely asked
If she'd let me put it in her ass
[Chorus: Zach Hassel]
Side hoe
Dial her up
When I need some
Kinkier love
And then things get
Freaky as fuck with my
Side hoe

[Verse 3: Brandon]
I wanna say up front:
I hate my main bitch
She got great tits
But we do the same shit all the time
I only call her mine
Because she got all them dollar signs
She's going out with her girls tonight
Above my head, a bulb of light ignites
She like, "I'll be back at ten."
So I call my side hoe like, "Bring a friend."
Now I gotta wait 'till they get here
The anticipation is killing me
Hi, I'd like to place an order
Two basic whores for delivery
It was that easy
My sex drive is through the roof
Open the door, my jaw hits the floor
I'm like, "That's a lot more than two."
(Indiscernable mob of side hoes)
"Shut up! What the fuck?"
"You said bring friends, is this enough?"
"I said bring a friend, not a fucking army!"
She said, "Who cares?
Let's have party!"
I'm like, "I care, bitch! This is my house!
You and your friends have to get out!"
She like, "But, we all wanna fuck you."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I told them that you've got a big dick."
"Let's do this shit!"
I asked for two, I'm about to get thirty
Suddenly my main bitch comes home early
I thought I was dead
Who would've guess that
She'd join in instead
Now it's me and my girl
Plus another forty side hoes
Fucking in a huge ass orgy
[Chorus: Zach Hassel]
Side hoes
Beautiful girls
We need you
You make the world
A much better place
Round of applause
For the side hoes