[Prologue]

[Mike]
June 9th, 1958
Detective Turrano, Detective Castillo and I
Had been private investigators
In the city for three years

[Saverio]
We worked tirelessly around the clock
To keep the scum of society off the streets
And by tirelessly
I mean it was exhausting
And I fucking hated it

[Brandon]
Our office was our home
We ate there, slept there
And on occasion
Brought foxy ladies to get some mad puss
All in the name of justice of course

[Saverio]
Boy, don’t act like you’ve had sex in our office
The pillow you practice kissing on
Wouldn’t even let you smash
[Brandon]
Nah, I’ve totally gotten laid in here
That couch has been dampened
With the juices of a good time

[Mike]
Who did you fuck in here?
Give me one name and I’ll believe you

[Brandon]
Uhh… I don’t wanna say

[Mike]
Augh uh yeah
That's what I thought
Anyway, June 9th, 1958
The day we faced a mystery most mystifying
Of foul play most foul


[Scene 1]

[Brandon]
Somebody knocked

[Mike]
Great observation, no shit Sherlock
[Brandon]
You don’t have to be rude

[Mike]
Just open the door

[Brandon]
Okay, I’mma open the door

[Saverio]
Hold up, wait!

[Brandon]
Then Saverio tackles me onto the floor
What the fuck man?

[Saverio]
I think that this could be a trap of some sort
Who the hell comes here at eight in the morn?

[Mike]
What the hell do you mean?

[Saverio]
I mean that this could be
A part of some criminal’s villainous scheme
We’ve caught a lot of bad guys
Made a lot of enemies
Someone could want revenge
And my gut is telling me
Not to let this guy in
[Mike]
Turrano
You're making a lot of assumptions
It’s probably a client
I open the door to discover
The face of my former lover
Flashback plays in my head like a picture show
Whole thing started ‘bout a year ago
When I met her
I was on my way to get coffee
Asked her name, she said...

[Audrey]
Audrey

[Mike]
She's into music, paintings, burgers
Also she fucked like a monster, holy shit
I can’t believe I was tapping that
I’m pitching a tent
Just thinking bout those massive…

[Audrey]
Detective
What are you staring at?

[Mike]
Huh?

[Audrey]
Excuse me
My eyes are up here

[Mike]
Wait no! I wasn’t staring at your...
I was thinking about some
Other
Shit…
Anyway, why are you here?

[Audrey]
Something dreadful has happened!
I need you to help…
Um…
Is there any particular reason
Those two are laying
On top of each other on the floor?

[Brandon]
Sav! Get the fuck off me!

[Mike]
Brandon and Saverio try to play it cool
As if they didn’t just
Remind us all of Gomorrah and Sodom

[Saverio]
Mike covers up his obvious erection
And Brandon chimes in with a...

[Brandon]
So, what seems to be the problem?

[Audrey]
It’s a really ridiculous story
It’s insane, but you’ve got to believe it

[Saverio]
What happened?

[Audrey]
My husband awoke in the morning
To find that his face had been covered in semen

[Brandon]
Fucking what?

[Mike]
Brandon, quit laughing

[Brandon]
I’m sorry but something about
The thought of waking up
With a mysterious hot wad of jizz on your face
Is pretty fucking funny

[Mike]
I apologize for him
But at any rate
We need to hear more specifics of the case

[Saverio]
For instance
You said that your husband’s the victim
As in, you have a husband?
You’re married?
Like, off the market?

[Audrey]
Yes, my husband was screaming
It sounded as if he was dying
I found him lying on the floor crying
In fetal position
Covered in testicular drippings
And I didn’t know what to do

[Mike]
Well, where did it come from?

[Audrey]
I don’t have clue

[Saverio]
Well, it's gotta be someone's

[Brandon]
Perhaps it was his

[Audrey]
I love him but trust me
His dick ain’t that big

[Brandon]
This is a mystery

[Saverio]
Vicious and errant

[Mike]
But I wonder
The victim, your husband
Why isn’t he here?

[Audrey]
Well, he’s far too embarrassed
To talk about even a word of what happened

[Brandon]
Psh, I bet

[Audrey]
He doesn’t even know that I’m here
But this criminal has to be thwarted
Find me the fucker who came on my man
And I promise you three will be greatly rewarded

[Saverio]
Uh, can you give us a second?

[Audrey]
Of course

[Brandon]
Yo, she totally just offered us a foursome
If we crack this case!

[Mike]
She said nothing like that, Castillo

[Brandon]
Body language, Moore!
Her lips said reward
But her eyes said
Three throbbing man pills
All over my body

[Mike]
You still convinced this is some convict
Trying to get revenge on us, Turrano?

[Saverio]
Okay, I was wrong about that
She’s definitely telling the truth
I’ve been reading the news
There have actually been
Three other reports of men
Waking up with jean cream on their faces

[Mike]
So we can’t talk to Audrey’s husband
Because he’s too macho
To talk about having baby batter in his beard
But there’s three other guys
We can get clues from
Castillo, get the rolodex
And figure out where we can find them

[Brandon]
On it

[Mike]
Audrey?

[Audrey]
Yes?

[Mike]
Stay here in our office
We've got a case to crack


[Scene 2]

[Saverio]
First victim on the case we gotta crack
Local rockabilly singer
By the name of Scotty Black
I found him in the trailer
That he uses for a home
Cause he barely makes a living off his music
I knock knocked and his door and he said

[Scotty Black (Niko Lento)]
You’re not my ecstasy dealer

[Saverio]
Okay lemme try that again
I said
My name is Detective Turrano
And I’m here to ask you
A couple of questions
He came back to the door and said

[Scotty]
Are you a cop?

[Saverio]
I’m a private investigator
I’m not a cop

[Scotty]
Okay, good
Come on inside
What do you need?

[Saverio]
I’m here to ask about the time
That you woke up with your face
All covered in nut

[Scotty]
Okay that shit was fucked up
Every night when I’m done with the show
I go back to my trailer
With a bunch of hoes
We get super drunk
And we all smash

[Saverio]
This surprised me
Considering his music is trash

[Scotty]
The last time that we all got busy
I woke up in the morning
With my mouth all jizzy
And even though I was highly intoxicated
I swear that I was the only man there

[Saverio]
I see
Does anybody know about the orgies?

[Scotty]
Everybody knows about the orgies
They used to be a secret
Before she found out

[Saverio]
Wait, who is this you’re talking bout?

[Scotty]
My fiancé
Ex-fiancé
She had the biggest tits
I ever laid eyes on
But she walked in on me
Fucking half a dozen other women at a time
Now that girl’s long gone
She kept her key to my trailer though
To me that means there’s a ray of hope
That she might come back to me one day, and...

[Saverio]
Nope
You fucked up pretty bad, dude
She prolly threw that key in the trash, dude
Just being real
You fucked six other people
She prolly isn’t considering coming back, dude
That prolly isn’t something
You should get attached to
Sorry

[Scotty]
I guess that’s true
I should write a song about that
Lemme get my guitar real quick

[Saverio]
Please don’t

[Scotty]
You left
With a key
Never gonna come back
Misery

[Frantic Knocker (Billy Platt)]
Scotty!
I got the shit!
Hurry up
I think I might have been tailed

[Saverio]
Who the fuck is that?

[Scotty]
That’s my ecstasy dealer


[Scene 3]

[Mike]
Stop two on the track to answers
Impressionist painter
Named Jackson Krasner
He’s got a studio at the edge of the city
So I went there in a cab
Hoping he would chat with me
I knock knocked on his door and he said

[Jackson Krasner (Henry Moore)]
Tony?
You’re here sooner than expected

[Mike]
I told him
My name is Detective Moore
And I’m here to ask you
A couple of questions

[Jackson]
Oh, I don’t have time for an interview
I’m a hurry
I’ve got more important shit to do

[Mike]
I’m sorry, is justice a disturbance?

[Jackson]
Oh fine, talk to me while I’m working

[Mike]
I get distracted when I glance at his canvas
And it’s just splatters of paint
I don’t understand it
So I ask him
What does this mean?

[Jackson]
Ah, allow me to paint you a scene
I could never be in love
Maybe for the inspiration
I’d pretend to
I started dating and painting a lady
And then a few exhibits made a fortune
There were many men
Who’d commission naked portraits of her
Telling me to send n***s
She had these immaculate breasts
That practically leapt
Onto the canvas and back again
Living the life
Cashing that check
Having the best passionate sex
Until the day she got mad and she left
While he was explaining
He very casually continued his painting
By taking his brush
And waving it front to back
With a quick thrusting action
And it honestly looked like
He was jacking his dick
And I have to admit
It was distracting a bit
Like, why’s he gotta be so fucking weird
I can tell by the way he acts
This guy’s the final nail in the coffin proving
Artists are fucking maniacs
Then he said

[Jackson]
Without her
I needed a fresh start
So I made a habit out of sleeping the park
You know what they say
About nature and art
Maybe if I got in touch with the Earth
It would unlock an unharnessed art in my head
But I ended up soaking in splewage instead
It was wretched
But in my reflection
I saw an opportunity for expression
So I harnessed inspiration
From the embarrassment felt
In the splattering pattern
To bring forth a style that’s never been done
And that is the essence I’ve attempted to capture

[Mike]
So this is a painting of you
Drenched in dubious daddy deposits?

[Jackson]
It isn’t about the jizz
It’s about making you feel like you’re covered in jizz

[Mike]
Okay I’ve had enough
I’m going back to the…
Ah shit
I left my key to the office behind
I’m gonna have to wait up for the others

[Tony (Nathan Moore)]
Excuse me Jackson
Is my painting ready?

[Jackson]
Tony!
Perfect timing
I just finished it
How does it make you feel?

[Tony]
It sorta makes me feel like I’m covered in jizz
And I love it


[Scene 4]

[Brandon]
Number three
Last but not least
A fast food chef
Named Richard Maurice
Reputed as a bad worker
I went to his apartment
After his shift of flipping burgers
I knock knocked on his door and he said
...ahem...
I knock knocked on his door and he said
...
Where the hell is this guy?
He should be home by this time
I gave the doorknob a try
And it was unlocked
So I wandered inside
Small place, that’s for sure
Found some dude
Asleep on the floor
It’s prolly Richard
Gotta wake him up
Subtly nudge him, don’t startle him

[Richard Maurice (Anthony Chidichimo)]
I don't wanna get married!

[Brandon]
Oh shit!

[Richard Maurice]
Hello
Do...
Do I know you?

[Brandon]
My name is Detective Castillo
And I’m here to ask you
A couple of questions

[Richard]
Oh
How did you get in here?

[Brandon]
The door wasn’t locked

[Richard]
Son of a bitch
I thought that I locked it
I must’ve forgot
I do that shit all the time

[Brandon]
Sir, I need to ask about
The day you woke up
With stud crud on your face

[Richard]
That’s kinda weird
But go ahead, ask away

[Brandon]
Did you see the perp?

[Richard]
I forget

[Brandon]
Were you followed home?

[Richard]
I forget

[Brandon]
Was your door locked?

[Richard]
I forget

[Brandon]
Is there anything that you remember?

[Richard]
Hmm…
I remember going to the sperm bank
Like I do on every Thursday
Boutta donate
When I overheard the clerk say
Something bout a man
With a mask and a gun
Coming through and
Demanding a gallon of cum

[Brandon]
Oh shit, what happened?

[Richard]
They gave it to him

[Brandon]
Is that how sperm banks work?
Do they just have, like, jugs full of dude glue?

[Richard]
Yeah

[Brandon]
One more thing before I go
What did you mean
You don’t wanna get married?

[Richard]
I'm sorry?

[Brandon]
When you woke up
You said I don’t wanna get married

[Richard]
Oh
I was reliving a moment
I had with an ex
Girl had a monstrous chest
She wanted me to marry her
But I just kinda wanted her for sex
Why do you ask?

[Brandon]
No reason


[Scene 5]

[Mike]
After a long day of tracking down
And interviewing the three other victims
We regrouped and returned to our office
To put our facts together
And deduce what could have happened

[Saverio]
We returned to find Audrey
Sitting on one of the couches
She stood up as soon as she saw us
And I take no shame in saying that
I stood up as soon as I saw her

[Brandon]
You know
All day I’ve been laughing to myself
About the sentiment of waking up and going
Oh, what’s this on my face?
Did I drool or something?
And then looking in the mirror and going
Where the fuck did this willy milk come from?

[Mike]
Audrey approached us
As we entered the room and said

[Audrey]
So what happened?
Did you catch him?

[Mike]
Well, we've talked to a lot of guys
And we certainly have a lot to think about
But we haven’t caught him yet
We’re getting close though

[Saverio]
It’s all so confusing
The victims have almost nothing in common
We’ve got no leads on any suspects
And then there’s the whole sperm bank thing

[Audrey]
Sperm bank?
Were you guys jacking off into cups all day?

[Brandon]
No
One of the victims mentioned that
Somebody robbed a sperm bank
Left with a ton of semen
And we’re completely blown away
At the odds of there being
Two nut butter related crimes in the same week

[Audrey]
What an incredible coincidence

[Saverio]
Well, maybe not
We think they could be related

[Mike]
We’re gonna sleep on it though
You head on home
And come back tomorrow morning
We’ll have more to tell you then

[Audrey]
You’re gonna make me walk home all alone?

[Brandon]
I'll walk you home

[Mike]
Castillo, she’s a grown ass woman
She can walk her damn self home
Good night, Audrey

[Audrey]
Good night detectives. Sleep well


[Scene 6]

[Mike]
I didn't sleep well
As a matter of fact
I didn't sleep at all
I hadn't relaxed a single muscle
Since I stepped into the ring to tussle
One on one with this
Most brain teasing puzzle
I've been pacing in my room in the office
With nothing at all
I'm stuck at a wall
I'm clutching at straws
I can't spin it to gold
Unless something, anything
Points to a suspect
I hear my door slowly open behind me
Dreadfully I turn around to find
The silhouette of a sinister figure
Creeping with a comically large syringe
Labeled as semen
He must have heard
About our journey to convict him
But the only ones who know that we're involved
Are the victims
Suddenly the truth becomes blaring
The son of a bitch
Served us a red herring
He slams the door shut between us
He's trying to escape
My feet throw me forward toward the door
As I start to chase after him
This could be our chance
To put an end to this case
All I have to do is
Get one glance at his face
I catapult the door open to find
This crafty bastard had the bright idea
Of closing the blinds
The whole room is pitch black
So he knows he can hide
Oh, shit
With my arms thrown in front of me
I start slowly stumbling through the room
In an attempt to find him
Preparing myself for this to get violent
Suddenly my hand lands on something
Holy shit
I've got him right where I want him
I've got him guys
Oh
Oh God he got me
Oh I'm covered in jizz
*vomits
He's blinded me with man chowder
I can't see
He's gonna get away
Guys, wake up

[Brandon]
What the fuck happened?

[Mike]
He was here
He was here, I saw him

[Saverio]
Who?

[Mike]
The Phantom Masturbator!

[Saverio]
Is that what we’re calling him?

[Brandon]
See I was gonna suggest we call him
Rip The Jacker
You know like Jack The Ripper
Only sexier

[Mike]
Shut the fuck up
That bastard plastered his
Population paste all over my face
Would one of you please get me
Something I can wipe it off with

[Saverio]
Here, take a tissue

[Mike]
Thank you
I pulled the tissue across my eyes
And suddenly I regained both my vision
And my composure
Now gentlemen
We’ve got ourselves a situa-
Holy shit!

[Saverio]
Whoah whoah
What happened?

[Mike]
Castillo!

[Brandon]
What?

[Mike]
You’ve got spunk on your face too!

[Brandon]
What?
I pressed my hands against my face
And felt a sticky squishing
Ah!

[Mike]
He got you too!

[Brandon]
This is fucked up!

[Mike]
Believe me, I know!

[Saverio]
Sucks to be you guys

[Brandon]
Okay, no more fucking around!
That motherfucker done made this shit personal!

[Saverio]
Look, we’ve interviewed all the victims
And we don’t have a single solid suspect

[Mike]
Well, not all the victims

[Saverio]
You mean Audrey’s husband?

[Brandon]
He may hold the key to finding this guy

[Saverio]
Audrey told us he’s too embarrassed to talk about it
He won’t tell us anything!

[Brandon]
Fuck that!
I'm calling his ass

[Audrey's Husband (Kyle Caccamesi)]
Hello?

[Brandon]
Hi, is this Audrey’s husband?

[Audrey's Husband]
Yes, and it’s four in the morning
Who is this?

[Brandon]
My name is Detective Brandon Castillo
Your wife came to our office and told us
That you woke up covered in ball barf
She said you wouldn’t want to talk about it
But I’ve got jizz on my face as we speak
And if we’re gonna catch
The son of a bitch who did this to us
You’ve gotta tell me everything

[Audrey's Husband]
I have no idea what you’re talking about
I never woke up with semen on my face

[Brandon]
You guys hear that?

[Saverio]
But Audrey told us…

[Brandon]
Sir, is your wife with you?

[Audrey's Husband]
No, I don’t know where she is
Did you say you have jizz on your face right now?

[Mike]
Son of a bitch

[Saverio]
I know
Brandon totally just told that guy
He had chode nectar on his face
For nothing

[Mike]
No, not for nothing
I think we just solved the case


[Scene 7]

[Brandon]
That morning
Audrey returned to our office
As we had instructed her to
She said

[Audrey]
Is there anything new you’ve deduced?

[Saverio]
Well, as a matter of fact
We’ve identified our man
And we’ve got the proof

[Audrey]
Excellent news!
You must tell me who

[Mike]
Only one man had a motive
And that man…
Was you

[Audrey]
Me? What?

[Brandon]
Do you deny it?

[Audrey]
Yes I deny it!

[Saverio]
We figured you would

[Audrey]
Of course I deny it!
I don’t have a penis with which to ejaculate!
I hired you men to extrapolate
Who could have masturbated on my husband
And somehow you advocate that it was me?

[Mike]
That’s quite enough of the charade
We know it was you
Allow us to explain
None of the victims
Had seen the suspect

[Saverio]
But all of the victims
Had mentioned an ex
All of them said

[Brandon]
Girl had a monstrous chest

[Mike]
Immaculate breasts

[Saverio]
She had the biggest tits I ever laid eyes on

[Mike]
We believe you are the ex
And that you’ve been getting
Sexual revenge

[Brandon]
You dressed like a man
With a mask and a gun
And you robbed the sperm bank
Of a gallon of cum

[Saverio]
Past that point
All you had to do was track down Scotty

[Mike]
Jackson

[Brandon]
Richard

[Mike]
And me

[Saverio]
You kept your key to Scotty’s trailer, though

[Mike]
Jackson made a habit
Out of sleeping in the park

[Brandon]
And Richard left his door open
Be probably thought that he locked it
He must have forgot

[Saverio]
That much of your plan was flawless

[Mike]
But since I’m always in this office
Getting to me would be harder to do
So you concocted a ruse

[Saverio]
Something dreadful has happened
You told us knowing your state of distress
Was extremely deceiving

[Brandon]
You lied that your husband awoke in the morning
To find that his face had been covered in semen

[Saverio]
And it was remarkably simple
Avoiding suspicion by playing the victim

[Mike]
I have to admit that was smart
But you knew that your lie
Would crumble apart
If we spoke to your husband

[Saverio]
You knew we would try

[Brandon]
So you had to convince us
He wouldn’t comply

[Saverio]
You told us
He’s far too embarrassed
To talk about even a word of what happened

[Brandon]
We were sold
We began the search

[Mike]
And as we ran around town
Tryna interview the victims
Little did we know that we left the perp
Sitting on a couch
All alone on our own turf

[Saverio]
That gave you plenty of time
To comb through the office

[Brandon]
You wanted to find a key
So at night you could come back inside

[Mike]
And lucky for you I had left mine behind

[Brandon]
You returned that night in disguise

[Brandon]
Mike woke up and you ran outside

[Mike]
I pursued you until you shot cream in my eyes
And just like that you had won your prize
You got to reciprocate for the
Men you allowed to nut on your face

[Brandon]
And you thought that we couldn’t
Connect all the clues
But thanks to your husband
We know it was you
Do you deny it?

[Audrey]
I…
I...

[Mike]
Audrey
Do you deny it?

[Audrey]
I just wanted someone to love me
You may find it overdramatic
But love is uncommon
When you’re as attractive as I am
Nobody wants to be close
They just wanna fuck you and leave you
So they deceive you
Mislead you into feeling like they need you
But when you satisfy their sweet-tooth
They just treat you like a tuft of dust
And sweep you under the rug, it sucks
You don’t know what it’s like to be used
But now that I’m married
I had to atone for the
Sexual favors that went undeserved
You and the rest of the lecherous men
I had sex with have suffered revenge
And as far as I’m concerned
You all got what you earned
So go ahead and cuff me
I’m sure that’ll get you off

[Mike]
Audrey
We’re letting you go

[Audrey]
Wait, really?

[Brandon]
Yeah
We put all the pieces together
And realized that
Finally you had a love that was true
And who would we be
To undo that for you?

[Saverio]
Plus, we don’t have any physical evidence
None of this theory would hold up in court

[Mike]
And I know that it’s partly my fault
For sending you on a
Rampage of sexual assault
I’m sorry, Audrey
But like
If you're
Not
Doing
Anything
Later
Do you
Maybe
Wanna...

[Audrey]
Motherfucker
I know you did not just try that shit

[Mike]
Uh, I know, I know
I'm an asshole
I'm sorry

[Audrey]
Remember
I’ve still got half a gallon of cock frosting
With your name on it
If any of you three
Ever say anything about this to anyone
You hear?

[Mike]
Crystal clear Audrey
We're keeping it zipped

[Audrey]
Good
Now I’m gonna go home
And fuck my husband


[Epilogue]

[Mike]
And thus was the conclusion
Of one of the most challenging cases of our careers
I'd say all loose ends
Tied up pretty nicely
Except for maybe one thing
Audrey was getting revenge
On the men she had sex with
Before she was married to her husband
I understand why
Scotty, Jackson, Richard, and I got sauced
But Castillo
Why would she have gone after you?

[Brandon]
Oh well, uh...
Okay, remember fifteen minutes ago
When I was bragging about
Getting laid in the office
But I didn't want to tell you
Who the girl was?

[Mike]
Oh my God
Brandon, did you get sloppy seconds
Off of Audrey
While we were dating?

[Brandon]
No
I went third
Saverio got seconds

[Mike]
Oh my God
I cannot believe you guys
That is so fucked up
I ca--
Wait, hold on
Saverio how come you didn't get
Drizzled in porn syrup?

[Saverio]
I did
I just wiped it off
Because I didn't want you guys
To see my face covered in pee-pee goo
It wasn't hard to do
I don't know why you guys
Made a whole fucking scene out of it

[Mike]
Oh, you pricks
I'm gonna kick your ass--
Saved by the bell, huh?
Hello?
What?
A naked man has been
Running around in a mask at night
Between fifth and seventh street?

[Saverio]
Well
Looks like we've got another case to crack
Tune in next week, ladies and gentlemen
As we chase down The Sixth Street Streaker
On the next episode of--

[Brandon]
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
That--
D-Don't...
Don't bother
Uh...
That's uh...
Uh, that was me
I...
I do that sometimes