[BOTH]
Who the hell is-

[SUSAN]
Heidi?

[HEIDI]
Susan?

[BOTH]
What kind of girl is she?
I wonder sometimes if she

[HEIDI]
Even likes me?

[SUSAN]
Even likes me

[HEIDI]
She seems to make you smile

[SUSAN]
She’s got a pretty, TV-nose

[HEIDI]
She’s got a kick-ass style
[SUSAN]
She’s got very kicky clothes

[HEIDI]
And she owns her apartment too

[SUSAN]
I suppose

[HEIDI]
And mine blows

(Both of them sigh)

[HEIDI, spoken]
Quelle genre de fille est Susan?

[SUSAN, spoken]
Et Heidi?

[BOTH]
She seems so, je ne sais quoi

[HEIDI]
She seems so incroyable
[SUSAN]
And I feel so bourgeois

[BOTH]
That’s just moi
It’s just

[SUSAN, spoken]
She’s so uptown and fancy and Broadway

[HEIDI, spoken]
She’s so downtown and funky and sassy

[SUSAN, spoken]
I wish I could sing like that
But at least my nose could take her nose in a cage match of noses

[HEIDI, spoken]
I’m used to being the funny one in the room

[SUSAN, spoken]
I didn’t sign the permission slip for any new lady friends, Hunter

[HEIDI]
She’s got those eyes
[SUSAN]
She’s got those boobs

[HEIDI]
I’ve got these thighs

[SUSAN, spoken]
I need your shoes

[BOTH]
Plus!
She might try to steal my husband
She might try to have my baby
I guess I’ll just sit back and wait and see
What kind of girl is she?
What kind of girl is she?

[SUSAN]
What kind of girl is

[SUSAN/HEIDI]
She/Are you gonna eat that pickle?