[Verse 1: Rhett and Link]
Paper or plastic
Presents itself as a decision with an obvious answer
You pick paper 'cause the plastic will end up in the ocean
Giving a whale cancer
But did you know that
The paper in this bag is made from the prickly peckerwood tree
Which happens to be the residency of the dwarf-winged beaver bee
And when the dwarf-winged beaver bees no longer have
Homes in which to go, then I think you should know
That they've been known to reconstruct their hives
Right inside of those same whale's blowholes
So you can weigh
All these factors before you choose to decide
But either way
Know this

[Chorus: Rhett and Link]
A whale is gonna die
No matter what you choose
A whale is gonna die
No matter what you do
A whale is gonna die

[Verse 2: Rhett and Link]
Dine in or take-out
An inconsequential question at the fast food restaurant
So you take it to go, then on the way home
You know you start to smelling those french fries
So you reach in the bag
And take your eyes off the road and drive straight off a bridge
And who knows what's in the water below
So you should've dined in
But if you dined in
You decide to shake salt on those fries
With the shaker that the previous guy coughed on
And then you rub your eyes, oh no
The next morning, you wake up with a wicked face itch
You drive to urgent care, your eyes swell shut
Then you drive off the very same bridge from when
You didn't dine in, and did I mention
Both times you hit a whale
[Outro: Rhett and Link]
A whale is gonna die
No matter what you choose
A whale is gonna die
No matter what you do
A whale is gonna die
It's gonna be okay
Except in the case you're a whale
A whale is gonna die